Weddingbee boards
I definitely feel like this. I've taken them up on offers to help when they've been given (with discrete tasks, like calling a bridal shop to see if they have a certain dress in stock when I couldn't get a free moment during the business day) and one of them has already offered to help assemble my (super labor intensive) programs, but I haven't really asked. I really just want them to show up, be on time, look pretty, and not complain too much. :) Everything else is gravy.
I had to be like this with my bridesmaid. Mine was far away from me and ended up not being able to come to the wedding after all. I think it is better if you don't expect them to do a bunch of things because not everyone will have as much time to devote to your wedding as you will. Of course, if they offer help then that would be great too!
I think everyone has a different level of expectation for bridesmaids. When I started out, I couldn't imagine asking them to do anything for me besides buy the dress and show up to the wedding. Now, I'm excited to hear they're planning my bachelorette party and shower behind my back and have to admit I would be sad if they didn't. It's definitely important to me to make this fun for them and as a 3-time bridesmaid myself I know it's annoying when the bride dumps a bunch of tasks on you that really should have been done by professionals or by the bride. Also, I really dislike it when I have to buy shoes in addition to the dress, just a pet peeve. So I'm having a BYOS policy for my BM's!
I definitely didn't have expectations for my ladies going in. I know my MOH is really excited to plan the B party, though, and wants to help with a lot. When it's offered, I'm grateful for it, but I don't have any outright expectations of what should be done other than buying the dress on time, showing up, and being supportive!
I only had one bridesmaid and it was my sister. I gave her no duties other than to just help out like everyone else was on the morning of the wedding. I told her "buy a dress that is this color" and that was it. She sent me photos of dresses she was interested in, but I told her wahtever she wanted.
I don't know what I would have asked her to do for me, honestly.... I didn't expect anything.
I feel the same way! I only have two BMs, and I really don't have any "responsibilities" for them - I just want them to be there! :-)
I didn't either. They did a great job and planned a shower and bachlorette party, but I never asked them to, they just did it. But I didn't know really what 'duties' were either so whatever they did was good with me.
I don't have any "you must do this" expectations of my BMs (2 sisters, MOHs, 1 friend overseas, 1 very busy press secretary for a Member of Congress, and 1 new mom) but hope and kinda expect they'll plan the bachelorette weekend and shower, as well as hold up my dress for me when I need to pee at the wedding ;-)
I had the same mentality, too, and I really bothers me when brides assume that their wedding party is their slave until the wedding is over.
Plus, when you don't expect anything out of your BMs, and they happen to do something nice for you, it's an unexpected but totally wonderful surprise! Amd it also makes it hard to be disappointed with them :) It's a win-win-win to think like this.
I agree, then you're genuinly thankful when they do something instead of thinking well you were supposed to do it anyways, it's your job as a bm
Wow, sounds like I wrote that post. I've been in way too many weddings where we were expected to meet over something wedding related like once a week, go here and there, do this and that. And one where the bride actually said if we (BMs) didn't come to every shower she was being given (like 4 total) that she would be upset. I could go on and on...and on.
UGH. If my girls want to do anything for me or help me with anything, great. If not, all I really want from them is for them to be at the wedding!
I think its great that you don't have any expectations, but don't say no if they offer to help! They're excited for you and want to make sure it goes as smoothly as possible! It's great that you're not being a dictator about it, though!
My BM's are pretty much off the hook with everything, I have given a few of them tasks, if they asked. Easy stuff, like researching florists, etc. But my MOH who is AMAZING, btw, has whipped them into shape, they are helping her with the bridal shower, bachelorette party, etc. So I got really lucky, all my BM's are pretty good about helping out!
I feel the exact same way and was about to post something related to this. I have seen so many people post that their BM's arent doing their duties and they are so upset, etc and I gues I really dont understand it. My BM's threw me a shower and bachelorette party (didnt ask, they just did), bought the dress and shoes I asked them to and that was it. They offered to help but I was fine doing everything on my own. I did have 2 of them cover over and help put invitations together for a few hours. We didnt get them all done so they offered to come back another day but I actually didnt mind doing them myself.
You're not crazy - you're low maintenance and conscientious.
The more expectations you have for anyone, the more likely it is they'll disappoint. It's much more logical to keep things simple.
Here are my expectations for my attendants:
1. Don't drink too much at the bachelorette party.
2. Don't let me drink too much at the bachelorette party (which, btw, I'll most likely be planning myself)
3. Show up on time.
4. Wear black or black-and-white.
So glad there's others like me!! I only have a MOH, my best friend, who after a bad divorce a few years ago is very anti-marriage. So asking her to help would be friendship-suicide, lol. I also just basically told her to buy a dress and be there the day of. I know she would help if I asked her to, but my fiancee and I can really handle everything ourselves.
I was kinda like this. I was relatively lenient on the dress thing-they just had to choose from like 20 preselected dresses, they could do whatever they want with their hair, makeup, shoes, etc. I wasn't expecting too much out of them. I've never been a BM before, so I have no idea on what to do. After talking to my MOH, we decided that I should choose the dress for them, and then figure things out. Its pretty hard! lol
I did the same thing. I don't think it's crazy. I think it's thoughtful!
I think this is the right way to feel! I feel the same way and I wish all brides do. I feel so bad when I hear other BMs crying because the bride is making them buy expensive ugly dresse and demand them to participte in ALL of the planning.. I mean, honestly, do you really need ALL that help? I have been doing this solo and it's not too bad!! I mean, I'd gladly accept help when they offer and want to, but I wouldn't expect them to! I just want them to show up and be there for me when I say my vows and to celebrate with us! :)
Ohhh I totally feel this way. I asked my bridesmaids to buy dresses so far and that's about it! They WANT more to do though, it's kind of funny! If nobody wanted to help me do DIY projects I totally wouldn't mind though... I'm kind of a do it all myself kinda gal anyway.
My sister is my only attendant. Her role is to wear a dress, be on time, mitigate disputes with my mum the day of, and give me advice on what to do about family member conflicts now. Love it, she loves it. We're a happy low maitenance bridal party!
Things may come up as the wedding draws nearer, but good for you for honoring your girls without expectations of things in return!
I am taking the same approach. I think it's smart - not crazy. I have 6 BMs and am really letting them run their own thing - we've been dress shopping together, but they already know I'm very relaxed about all of it.
To each his own - everyone knows their BMs and sometimes they need "direction" or rules. I'm just lucky mine don't.
Yep :) I feel the same way. Especially bc 2 of my 3 BMs are out of town. My MOH has offered already to do a shower at my mom's house and some kind of bachelorette night (I'm not so much for bars or plastic penises...) and I am THRILLED... but I would never ask her to do that.
my perfect solution to get bmaids to help out with things is to bribe them with champagne!
i got my super-flaky, not domesticated, anti-martha to help me (for three hours!)stamp, address and stuff 100 save-the-dates without a peep. and all i did was give her a flute (or three) of prosecco :)
I dont have any expectations of my bridesmaids other than to be honest, show up, look pretty and most importantly HAVE FUN.
My poor BM's had to put up with me trying on a million dresses and being super picky and i seen how tired they was all night at the bridal shop i wouldnt dare ask them for anything else..lol
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I just asked all of my bridesmaids to be in the wedding. I'm relatively young so I've never been a bridesmaid, and most of the girls haven't either. I don't know what "bridesmaids duties" and "MOH duties" are supposed to be, but what's most important to me is to avoid drama and make this a fun experience for all of them.
So I am just telling them to buy the dress we choose together and show up to the rehearsal and wedding. The way I see it, it's my wedding, so addressing invitations, DIYing decorations, and planning is my job. If someone offers to help, that's great, but I am not expecting anything at all. If they want to plan a shower or bachelorette, I would love it, but again, I would be fine not having either. If they want to hear the details of my planning, look at pictures and listen to my vendor stories, I am always happy to share, but if not, it's not their responsibility to care as much about my wedding as I do.
Does anyone else feel like this? Since starting to plan my wedding, I've read/heard about so many brides disappointed by their bridesmaids, and I'm not sure why people would have such high expectations for what these girls "must" do.