Post # 1
My FI and I planned to get married September 23, 2011. We were both in agreement and booked the venue and the photographer about 8-9 months prior. Then about 3 weeks ago we asked our friends and family to be in the wedding party. I am really excited about everyone in it, except for one person…my FI’s friend from high school. He is a nice guy and I don’t have anything against him, but some things happened last summer which revealed that he was not a true friend to my FI and they did not talk for 9 months. The first time they talked was when my FI asked him to be in the wedding, to which he replied he may not be able to because his family is going to Europe. A day later he said he would work it out and would be happy to be in the wedding. (They had not bought their tickets at this point) Okay fine.
Fast forward 2 weeks, when I take a trip to Puerto Rico to visit my sister who is finishing up her medical rotations there. While I am gone my FI takes it upon himself to see if we can change our wedding date because his friend booked his tickets to Europe and surprise, surprise he will be gone on the wedding date. So now my FI feels that we need to move the wedding back a week to accomodate him. I am furious because: 1. He went behind my back and contacted all our vendors and his groomsmen to inform them of a possible date change 2. We will lose some deposits and will have to pay the deposits again to rebook another date. 3. He genuinely doesn’t care about what I think as long as his “friend” can be in the wedding.
Am I crazy? Or would this make you mad as well? We are in the middle of a huge fight and I’m not sure how to compromise on this one…
Post # 3
Holy cow…this is awful! Your FI is putting his friend’s feelings before yours, and that is NOT cool at all. And I’m not sure that I would want to marry someone who did something like this to me behind my back! Wow…that’s all I can say!
Post # 4
Wow I’d be furious. No that is definitely not ok and he needed to talk to you first. Once there is losing money involved, I’m not a fan. Friend didn’t have to book his tickets during your wedding and especially once you start getting into all the wedding expenses, the money you would lose could definitely be put towards something you want at your wedding.
If I were in that position, I would say wedding date is what it is and FI’s friend will just have to miss it if that’s when he is gone. Plus, I don’t understand why someone would ask someone else to be in their wedding during a time when they aren’t speaking.
Post # 5
I would be furious if my fiance had not talked to me about this.
Post # 6
With 6 months to go (and I’m a September bride as well), I would be LIVID! Sorry, not an option – looks like FI’s friend is out of the wedding (if it were up to me).
Post # 6
I do not think you are crazy at all!!! I would be pisseddddd. If you already have your deposit down I really hope that your FH has not changed the date without getting your blessing. He is marrying you not the friend and the fact that the friend feels his vacation is an important reason for you to delay your wedding is absurd. Talk it over with your FH and see why he feels it is important to delay for his on again off again friend. Please update us on what happens… sorry you’re having to deal with this!
Post # 7
Youre absolutely NOT CRAZY and I would say HELL F*****G NO! Excuse my language! That is ridiculous and I would be so pissed! No groomsman that has been an estranged friend for almost a year would make me change my wedding date, not to mention LOSE MONEY in the process because he’s going to Europe. That’s fine he’s going to Europe, he should have just bowed out. Who does he think he is to even ask you to move your date?! I would so upset at my FI for going behind my back. Yea, um you need to have a big chat with your FI about this…
Sorry for all the drama and stress, *hugs*.
Post # 8
no you are not crazy. I would be just as livid if my husband went behind my back and decided to change everything without my permission…for one unworthy sounding person. i’m so sorry you’re going through this!
Post # 9
Thanks girls! I’m so glad I’m not crazy because his family thinks it is okay!! (WHAT?!?!)
I’m all about forgiveness and I am glad that they are speaking again, but it’s ridiculous to ask to change OUR day to accomodate one person.
And he did not chang the date, thank goodness, but he still shouldn’t have looked into it and contacted the vendors without at least a heads up. (I mean I still would have been mad, but now I just feel betrayed)
Post # 11
Wow. Looks like someone needs to learn that marriage = you two are a TEAM. When you’re married, you don’t make big decisions like that on your own, especially if they are decisions that affect both of you.
It sounds like there is some backstory here – could your FI be feeling like he’s not in control of the wedding planning or even the relationship as a whole? Is this his way of asserting that his opinions matter too? Or does he really just think that it’s okay to make decisions for both of you on his own?
I would make sure this is all figured out before moving forward with the wedding planning. Even if he gives in on changing the date, I would want to work out the underlying issues that caused him to ask.
In terms of how to compromise, I would think about how much it would cost to change the date, how convenient it would be for everyone else, etc. There are very few situations I can imagine where it would actually make sense to change it. Your families and friends have their own lives, and I’m sure many of them have other things they could be doing during your wedding. The question is, is your wedding enough of a priority for them to make an effort to be there? Obviously, you can take into account really important limitations (i.e. health issues, etc). But you can’t change your wedding because one person decided to book a family vacation then! What if another groomsman has a change of plans and requests FI to change the date – where does it stop?
Good luck figuring this out!
Post # 12
What?!!! I’d be LIVID!!! Oh my gosh…so sorry.
Post # 13
Wow, I would be mad too! But honestly thinking about my FI… I don’t think he would know about losing deposits, etc etc. So I wouldn’t call your FI an awful person, just misinformed. I think if you talk to him he’ll probably realize that it wasn’t the best decision ever, and he should’ve waited to ask you first!
Post # 15
Was he trying to go behind your back, or was he trying to see how easy/difficult/expensive it would be to change the date before “bothering” you with the idea? It kinda sounds to me like the later, especially as he didn’t make any changes, just found out what would happen if you guys did decide to move date.
I agree that it’s a bit of a crazy idea, but did he know that before he investigated?