Am I expecting too much?

posted 2 years ago in Waiting
  • poll: Am I expecting too much?
    Yes : (22 votes)
    73 %
    No : (8 votes)
    27 %
  • Post # 2
    Member
    3711 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: December 2014

    If it’s the ring that stopping him, why don’t you suggest going to pick out one together? Maybe he’s stalling doing anything because he did technically ask you to marry him before and you shot him down because his proposal wasn’t “proper.” Maybe he’s nervous that his proposal won’t be good enough for you. 

    I will say, that FI and I decided to get married in a conversation, much like the one you detailed. There was no “proper” proposal. If I had said to my FI, “No, I want a proper proposal” at that point, he probably would have been pretty turned off by that and would likely have stalled as well because he would be afraid that I wouldn’t like whatever he did. 

    Post # 3
    Member
    4920 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: November 2010

    Maybe I’m missing something but it sounds as if he asked you to marry him in 2013 & you shot him down for wont of a “proper “proposal”, whatever that is.

    I don’t really understand what more he’s supposed to do.  Maybe he’s not bringing it up again for fear of being rejected again.

    Post # 5
    Member
    2017 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: July 2016

     

    Fleurie:  Don’t play coy with him if you want to marry him. Tell him directly you want him to propose to you by xmas this year. Tell him what kind of ring you want and where he can find it, tell him you can pick it out together if needbe. If you want a romantic “surprise” proposal, tell him that too. Him not knowing what to get you and you not being direct is holding you back. He’s probably nervous since you essentially shot him down, be precise and get what you want. Don’t pussyfoot around expecting him to know what you’re thinking because he can’t and won’t “get it”.

    Post # 6
    Member
    353 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: May 2015 - The Fairmont, SF

    1. Yes and no.

    No, because I can totally understand why you feel like you’re getting the short stick here. You gave up a lot and haven’t gotten one of the few things you asked for – a proposal. 

    However, I would also say “Yes” because you technically DID get a proposal and that wasn’t “proper” enough for you. Sorry, but if you really wanted to marry the guy, why didn’t you say yes then or discuss what needed to happen for him to propose? My FI and I also got engaged through conversation before he later purchased a ring and got down on one knee. I was over the moon with the “improper” proposal and what came after was just a bonus.

    2. You’re in your 30s. If this is someone that you want to marry then I think you need to grow a lady pair and set your expectations out clearly on the table. The guy isn’t a mind reader and if you can’t openly talk about your expectations for engagement, what are you going to do down the road if something becomes uncomfortable to discuss?

    3. YES. Your SO says he doesn’t know what ring to get you. Your response? “I had mentioned what type of ring I wanted before, so I didn’t feel that I needed to again at that point.” Wh-wh-whaaaat? Again, I’m sorry, but maybe he genuinely doesn’t know and since you didn’t like the original proposal, he’s afraid you won’t like what he gets you this time. Even if you’d mentioned it 100 times, if his only reason for not proposing is the ring then you should’ve said, “Great, let’s go look at rings. Is Sunday morning good for you?”

    And then when he says: “What am I supposed to do to show you that that’s what I want? Tell me what you want!” Your response is just… “OK”? 

    I’m sorry that you’re unhappy but from what you’ve posted, it sounds like you could potentially alleviate many of your problems by simply working on your communication with him. 

    Edit: Just saw your post that neither of you viewed the original proposal as “real”. Fair enough but I think direct communication is going to be the make or break in this situation.

    Post # 7
    Member
    2017 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: July 2016

     

    Fleurie:  Certainly past “mid 2014” so I wouldn’t be too sure…

    Post # 8
    Member
    3711 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: December 2014

    Fleurie:  What’s more important to you then, the marriage or the proposal? It sounds like he has expressed that he wants to marry you, as long as you believe that he is being sincere in that, having a walk date just because you haven’t gotten a romantic proposal seems silly. It seems like he just doesn’t know what to do to give you the proposal that you want. You can try dropping hints or you can tell him flat out what you want, that is up to you. It seems like he’s kind of oblivious to hints at this point though. 

    I would make sure that he really does want to marry you, and it sounds like it does, but only you guys can know that. As long as he’s not stalling because he is unsure about you, then the proposal is really just an important formality. He just may need some guidance. 

    Post # 9
    Member
    734 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: July 2012

    Guys don’t do subtle and hints, for the most part. Have an honnest conversation with him, including telling him bluntly that you expect a proposal by the spring of 2015 and what exactly you do expect since it sounds that you have a pretty precise idea of what a “real” proposal is for you (public place? romantic weekend?) 

    Take him ring shopping, or at the very least show him a selection of rings that you like. Discuss exactly what you prefer in terms of metal, style, diamond or not, priorities as far as size, clarity, etc. 

    It doesn’t sound like he is stalling to me, more that he is completely lost. OK is not quite the answer to “Tell me what you want”. I think you really missed your opportunity there

    Post # 10
    Member
    2584 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: April 2006

    I think you’re being a bit unreasonable. But only because you’re kind of acting like a kid…. He said he wanted to marry you and you told him you needed a proper proposal. Which fine, but than he tells you he hasn’t proposed because he’s confused on the ring and you just say okay and not help?!?! I mean, people forget things, you told him once before what ring you wanted, okay, show him again!!! Send him an email, cut out a picture and hand it to him, go ring shopping!!!! Help the poor guy. I think you’re expectations are a bit too high right now. You are a grown woman, take a step back and really look at things. Your man clearly loves you and wants to spend his life with you. When he mentions things like he needs help picking a ring your response should be a lot better than it was. I think once you start working as a team with your SO, and not just being so upset cause he isn’t doing the perfect proposal, than things will start going better. 

    • This reply was modified 2 years ago by  .
    Post # 11
    Member
    677 posts
    Busy bee

    seriously, suggest ring shopping and brunch this weekend, and you know, since he’s said it, it really wouldn’t hurt for you to mention that you want to marry him too.

     

    Option: I’ve been thinking a lot about how much I love you and how excited I am to take our relationship forward. I’m glad we are on the same page about being together and about kids. I realize I’ve held back a bit, but this is something I truly want, and I rembember you saying you weren’t entirely sure what I wanted in a ring. Would you like to go ring shopping and then to a nice brunch this Saturday?

     

    anything else and I think you’re shooting yourself in the foot. Don’t let your fear of getting hurt ruin the relationship.

    Post # 12
    Member
    1987 posts
    Buzzing bee

    Pretty sure a proposal is one person asking another to marry him or her. You got that but told him it wasn’t good enough. I can see why he’s gun shy now. 

    Post # 13
    Member
    395 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: December 2014

    Make a date to go check out rings…so he can see what you like, what you are expecting, etc. he may very well have cold feet but a little push on your part may do the trick. 

    • This reply was modified 2 years ago by  SweetShe.
    Post # 14
    Member
    1202 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: March 2014

    “What am I supposed to do to show you that that’s what I want? Tell me what you want!”

    Please, just tell the poor guy what you want.  It’s not humiliating, but it does require a lot of humility.  Relationships require you to be vulnerable, to give another person the power to hurt you very deeply.  Right now, your pride is standing between you and your proposal, your wedding, your marriage, your house, your possible children, your future.  Don’t be your own worst enemy.   

    Post # 15
    Member
    3560 posts
    Sugar bee

    Fleurie:  Yes I think you are.  What is more important to you, how he proposes or spending a lifetime with this man? My proposal was 4am in the morning, I looked horrible since my husband and I had stayed up watching movies and I was in my pajamas.  He didn’t even have the ring on him, it was still in my jewelry drawer.  But it didn’t matter because I was so overjoyed about being asked.

    You’ve expressed to him you want to be married before having children.  Maybe he isn’t the romantic type and what you’re asking is too much for him?  He may have honestly thought that his proposal was good enough.  I’m not saying you don’t deserve a proposal, but I think the way you treated him the last time, he’s nervous about asking because it may not match up to what your idea of a proper proposal is.

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