Am I freaking out for no reason?!…..

posted 3 years ago in Family
  • poll: What do I do?
    Ignore the FILs forever : (17 votes)
    57 %
    Carry on as if nothing has happened : (6 votes)
    20 %
    Other...explain : (7 votes)
    23 %
  • Post # 3
    Member
    3618 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: October 2013

    @l0ubie:  woah, he punched your FI? Damn, I would just elope! Spend that budget for 50 people on a nice get away! 

    Post # 4
    Member
    610 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: October 2014

    @l0ubie:  I don’t think you are overreacting AT ALL! Your FFIL PUNCHED your FH over you planning YOUR wedding the way YOU want to? Excuse my language…. but fuck that shit! No way in HELL would I stand for that bullshit. You’re tearing the family apart because you want the wedding you are paying for to be what you want it to be? No way, they are tearing it apart by being ignorant shitheads! If they had come to you with their concerns in a reasonable, adult way, then yeah, I can see maybe trying to compromise, but courtesy flew out the window when your FFIL was physically violent and threw you out of his house. 

    Post # 5
    Member
    1765 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: October 2014

    @l0ubie:  You have everyright to be annoyed….and upset….atleast it sounds like your FH is standing by you….be prepared that your relationship with the ILs will be a work in progress, since, you stood up to them….but if you cave it will let them know that they can manipulate you both….

    Here is how i see it from my family….If we dont see or talk to cousins like ever they arent getting an invite, and i doubt it will tear them apart if it is for budget reasons….if it was just to be rude and not have his family there, and you were having a 300 person party then yeah i could see them being upset….but most people understand….as far as the no kids, stand your ground sister….offer babysitting or something….but most people are understanding…..

    yes you have a right to be upset….esp since your FFIL PUCHED YOUR FI! NOT COOL!!! EVER!!! esp over wedding details….how immature!!! ugh makes me crazy….

    just if i can offer 1 piece of advice from you on this….YOU BOTH HAVE TO BE A UNIFIED FRONT AT ALL TIMES!!!!!! if your FI waivers when you are not around i bet $1000000000000000, that your FILS will run around and say that your manipulating him, but they may do it anyways….but it makes them look like they are bat shit if you and FI are on the same page no matter who is around….

    good luck hun!

    Post # 6
    Member
    7195 posts
    Busy Beekeeper
    • Wedding: November 1999

    @l0ubie:  I totally agree on 2 and 3, but for a small wedding I think you originally should have invited the nieces and nephews. For that size wedding it’s like a big family dinner, the sort where children who are close to the bride and groom are included.  If your FH’s family had been reasonable about this, I would advocate compromising on this point.

    But… all bets are off after FH’s father assaulted him.

    That said, it is really your FH’s decision. I think you need to isolate yourself from them (e.g. leave all communication to your FI) and support whatever he does.

    Post # 7
    Member
    1765 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: October 2014

    @SarahTee:  +100000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000!!! I am FAR to hot headed to let that ever stand!!! oh hell no!!! I would of said in that moment….”Fine….we will elope and spend this money that we were going to spend to enjoy the day with family on a lavish trip for the two of us surrounded by the people who support us you can be there or we will send you a post card, the choice is yours on how you want to proceed but you can not physically and emotionally bully us into getting your way. ta-ta ps: you just hit my FI because you didnt get your way….kiss any alone time with any future children of ours goodbye until you get some therapy”….

    I can type it out more delicately then i could if it happened infront of me….there would be alot more f bombs….i gaurantee it since that is my curse word of choice when heated ive been told….

    Post # 8
    Member
    864 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: November 2015

    @l0ubie:  FUUUUUUUCK that shit. Nope. No. 

     

    I think PPs have it right–

    1) your day, your decisions. Especially if it’s also your money.

    2) emotional manipulation is ridiculous. Good for you for standing your ground.

    3) your FIL punched your FI over a wedding. A WEDDING. Someone said no to him and he threw a tantrum. Um, hello 5 year old. Guess who just eliminated their 1-on-1 time if you ever did have a kid? That guy.

    4) I’d take the money and elope. End of that.

    5) United front, always. Don’t crack even if it’s hard!

    6) I’d honestly phase them out of your lives. It sucks, but clearly they don’t have you guys’ best interests at heart. After months/years/whatever and if/when they decide to make the first move (and please, let it be them that makes the first move), you should be united and be clear with them that either they support you as a couple, or the non-communication and lack of involvement can and will continue until they can be mature.

     

    🙁 sorry for you, OP. It sucks to have negative people around you. hugs!

    Post # 9
    Member
    610 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: October 2014

    @kansas_nurse:  FOR. DAMN. REAL. No freaking way would I trust my children around such a short tempered nutcase. And LOL to the f-bomb being the choice curse in heated situations… I am the exact same way, it takes the place of all punctuation when I get really angry, which I would in this case. I’M SUCH A LADY Wink

    Post # 10
    Member
    774 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: September 2014

    @l0ubie:  I’m so sorry about your FILs. I don’t think you and your FI are doing anything unreasonable. Unless your first cousins are like your BFFs and you talk to them on a weekly basis, why would you invite them? And I understand your feelings about not wanting to invite children- unfortunately its a touchy subject with many people and one that I am a little bit nervous dealing with. Each individual person comes with a cost, and your FILs should be understanding of that (or offer to help financially so you can accomodate their list of must-haves if that’s an offer you’d want to accept- I wouldn’t). Moving foward, I would write them a letter. I’m a huge advocate for talking things out, but I find that with some people, putting your thoughts into writing can be better so you aren’t misinterpreted. I’d say,

     

    “Dear Mr. and Mrs. FIL,

    I am very sorry for the direction in which things went at your home the other evening. Mr. L0ubie and I meant no offense in telling you the plans for our wedding. However, as we are hosting this event for ourselves, we simply do not have the means to invite extended family. We also wish it to be an adult event. While Mr. L0ubie and I would love to see you, ____, _____ (whoever you’ll invite) celebrate this day with us in person, we’d prefer that you celebrate from afar if you still feel that our wedding which we are paying for ourselves is destroying your family. 

    Sincerely,

    Mrs. L0ubie”

     

    That way you can act like you’ve invited them, but they sort of get the hint that they aren’t welcome. Hope this helps you. 

    Post # 11
    Member
    774 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: September 2014

    @paula1248:  Some people just choose not to invite their nieces and nephews just because they prefer it be an adult only ceremony. It could have just been OP’s preference for that reason. (not intended to sound snarky or anything)

    Post # 12
    Member
    7279 posts
    Busy Beekeeper
    • Wedding: November 1999

    @SarahTee:  +1. Emotional manipulation is one thing. Physical????? No way Jose. F them.

    Post # 14
    Member
    1765 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: October 2014

    @SarahTee:  haha me too!! I should prob. work on it more but ehh FI loves me how i am…F bombs and all!

    Post # 16
    Member
    751 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: October 2014

    @l0ubie:  Wow this is crazy! I would never want to see these people again! 

    I say have your nice wedding with the people who love you and respect your choices not these violent and unreasonable lunatics.

    With people like this you are not missing out on anything.

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