Weddingbee boards

While I've posted a few times, I haven't really written anything about my SO and I, so here's a little backstory before I ask my question.....K and I met through a mutual friend in August 2006 and moved in together seven months later.  Things have been great, with some minor bumps here and there, but nothing we haven't been able to work through.  We are both each other's first very serious relationship and of course have had to get used to living together and sharing a life together.  (By the way, if it matters, I'll be 27 in Sept. and he'll be 30 in Feb.)

Within the first few months of living together, I decided that he was it...the man I want to spend the rest of my life with! Soon after, we casually talked about it and he told me that he saw us being married as well.  I was ecstatic! I knew at that time our financial situation wasn't the best, and I honestly wasn't ready to start planning a wedding so soon, so I was ok with the conversation being so casual. 

Well...fast forward 3.5 years later to now and nothing has really changed! We seem to talk and re-evaluate things every six months or so, but I feel like we have not gotten anywhere! We are more serious when we talk now; like now he says he has NO doubt that he wants to marry me, but hasn't really made many attempts at getting to that point. Our financial situation is the same, if not worse than before (SO lost his job earlier this year, for about 6 months). A few months back I found a ring that I love, and it happened to be VERY cheap! I showed it to him, and then in conversation one night he said that he didn't want to get me that ring because it was so cheap, and he was afraid something like that would just fall apart. Well...hmm! I guess that was supposed to make me feel better, but it didn't. K knows I am a very simple girl, and I don't need some huge diamond in a platinum setting. I don't even want a diamond; I really want a white sapphire! (even less expensive!) 

Here's where my question comes in: Should I talk to him and just say that if money is such an issue, I don't need a ring? I don't even want a real wedding...I just want to get married by a JOP at a beatiful location. I've even said, "Let's go to town hall this weekend, and just do it!" For me, it's about becoming his wife and him becoming my husband, forever. All the other stuff is nice, but I don't need it.  Will that backfire though? Is it letting him off the hook from doing something that he as the man should be doing? I know he's somewhat traditional but he doesn't really express how he feels. I just don't know what to do.

By the way... I used to bring up engagement alot more than I do now, partially because of Mr. Bee's Back Up plan, but I still want to know, if K really wants to marry me like he says he does, what he is waiting for!

Thanks ladies! Oh, and he does have a job now, I don't think I wrote that. He found a job about two months ago, that pays pretty well.  The trouble is, he's not very good at saving his money. After writing my original post though, I thought about it, and why should I let him off the hook?! I know that I deserve whatever ring or wedding I want! I am very understanding when it comes to his financial situaiton, but it does upset me to think that because I am so easy-going at times, that he may be taking advantage. I'm not the kind of girl to cause a huge scene and throw things up in his face.

When we've talked about marriage, he has never really said what kind of affair he envisions. I think you ladies are both right, in that I should really sit down and talk to him and pick his brain about what he wants! He's going to be 1/2 of this marriage, he should be as much apart of it as I am! Now I'm getting heated! lol

@AprilJo2011-That is very similar to my situation! We act as a married couple, he says he wants to marry me, but then when I ask when, he says he's not sure. One conversation we had I asked him flat out if he had reservations and why and he did tell me that he saw how his parents' marriage turned out (divorced when he was 3) and he was afraid that he would screw up a marriage as well. I reassured him that we are not his parents, nor my parents (who had a wonderful 20 year marriage)....we are US! That seemed to make him feel a little more comfortable in talking about the subject.

@sapphirestar:  After many years of being together and occasionally talking about marriage, I had to share with my guy my expectations for our next anniversary (we celebrate the day we met each year).  I told him I wanted a date for our wedding and something shiny to go along with it.  It was almost an ultimatum but not quite... and what I got back was *almost* what I asked for.  He proposed and I have a nice ring, but no date has been set.  We aren't really seeing eye-to-eye and there are other circumstances that slowing the process down... but we are moving forward even if it feels like a snails pace to me... I think to some men a snails pace feels like a rollercoaster! 

You really need to find out whats holding him back... ask the question and then try very hard to just listen (uncomfortable silence is good)... it usually takes them awhile to run through the excuses and then finally start uncovering the real issues.  My guy was worried about my expectations of him as a husband, that I would want to change him or our routine, etc... Just listen and try to understand... practice saying things like "Thank you for sharing with me."  "I'm going to need some time to think about what you shared before I respond", (this is good if he's shared something that upset you).  "I love you and I want us both to be happy with our choices." 

Okay, can you tell I'm really old and already a mother of a grown child!!!  Sorry if this was too much advice... but it is just that, you can take some, all or leave... I do wish you good news very soon.  And please don't waste your time on him if he can't do the work of communicating and fully commit... it is true that there is more than one perfect person out there for you :)

@andreiabella-Thank you! Your advice is appreciated, as well as everyone else's advice! I try to be as patient as possible with him, because I know he is the one and I don't want to pressure him into proposing if he isn't ready, but at the same time, as much as I take his feelings into consideration, he should do the same for me. I think I need to start putting my foot down a bit.  I've seen other girls post on Weddingbee that they felt the same way, so it helps to know I'm not alone.

@Arachna-About my "deserving" comment, I just meant that as tradition goes, the boyfriend usually buys a ring for his girlfriend, they have an engagement and then a wedding of their choice. I feel like by me saying I'll "let him off the hook" from doing those things, it's like me saying that I'm not just like every other girl in love with her boyfriend. Even though I am easy-going, and would 100% marry him if he couldn't give me a ring, I am no different than any other girl awaiting a proposal from her boyfriend. 

I realize that I'm now contradicting my original post and I know that communicating with him is the only way to solve this problem!  I'll admit we sometimes have problems communicating how we feel about some situations, this being one of them.  Again, thanks to you all for your advice!