Post # 1
I am about a year off from our wedding and everyday I wake up with this bad feeling in my stomach of guilt. Let me just add this first, my FI has NEVER made me feel guilty, this is coming from myself. My FI is such an increible person. He is one of those people that just has a geuine soul and warm heart. He would do anything for me.
The guilt: I am a college graduate (like many) in so much debt that it makes me dizzy thinking about it. I made a mistake by taking out the loans that I did. My FI has no debt. In fact he has had an amazing job/internship since he was a sophmore in college. He was lucky enough to go for free (that didn’t stop him from working extremely hard). I also have a FANTASTIC job. Just not fantastic in the pay area. My industry is a bit harder where you have to work your way up no matter the degree. His- not so much. Either way, I’m getting married and still living paycheck to paycheck. I am looking for a new job and I try to save as much as I possibly can but with paying so much in student loan debt a month it’s really hard to save anything.
I feel horrible because he just gives and gives and I can’t seem to catch up with giving back- no matter how much I want to. Some days I’m so scared he’s going to wake up and realize he could do so much better than me. I come with so much debt and baggage- I should have my own tv show. I just constantly feel bad that things are 50/50 right now. I am a firm believe in relationships being 50/50. And I was raised to be an independant woman. I give back to him as much as I can with love, and the little things but eventually that won’t be enough- and what then?
I just want to be the best wife he deserves. And he deserves a lot. Any advice?
Post # 3
As long as he is putting forth 100% and you are putting forth 100%, no one can ask for anything more! You do what you can, but don’t beat yourself up over it if, only financially, it’s not as much as him. It will all work out in the end!
Post # 4
Relationships aren’t 50/50. They have to be 100/100 in order to succeed. You’re both giving everything you have. Debt has no bearing on what kind of person you are – you’d have that if you were married or not.
Post # 5
@almostmrsj: +1 bajillion. Very well said.
If you are working as hard as you can, that says a LOT about your character and who you are as a person, which is more important than the debt disappearing. Besides, there is more to you than debt. Perhaps you are beautiful, smart, talented, an artist, nice, funny, easy to get along with, gentle, free spirited…the list goes on. Debt doesn’t make you a bad person.
Post # 6
Relationships being 50/50 has nothing to do with money in my opinion. It has do with operating as a team.
Post # 7
Completely agree with this. Relationships are a lot of work but can be rewarding.
For me: I am currently the breadwinner but I do have student loan debt. Once Mr VB graduates, he will likely be the breadwinner but he will have student loan debt.
We both do our best to pay our bills on time, have decent credit (his is better and mine is increasing with every on time payment), and we do our best to not live beyond our means and split everything. Sometimes I carry him, sometimes he carries me.
You cannot live where you are worried about being bad because of finances, or you will be insecure your entire relationship! BUT you can control if you are good with money, do you pay your bills on time, and save what you can (even 20.00 a paycheck) to show that you care enough about yourself and the relationship to build up a savings which is important.
Post # 8
I think it is a mistake to look at marriage as a 50/50 situation, and I suggest you change this firm belief or you could ruin your relationship. Think about it, what if the tables were turned? If you so firmly believe that a relationship has to be 50/50, then would you be resentful of your FI and feel like he wasn’t pulling his weight? Would you want your FI to feel as you’re feeling now?
Also, it is great to have the ability to be an independant person, but remember, you’re in a relationship, and it is OKAY and HEALTHY to depend on the other person. Relationships are give and take, push and pull – you’ll depend on your FI for some things, and he’ll depend on you for others. There may come a time in your life where being dependant upon your FI is unavoidable, and he, you.
So again, I strongly suggest you rethink your views on relationships, as your current train of thought can lead down a pretty disruptive road. Life is full of unforeseeable things. Someone could lose a job, someone could get ill and become unable to work, etc. If you keep comparing apples to apples you’ll find yourself absolutely miserable.
Post # 9
Your relationship shouldn’t be about money! You aren’t making him work to support your crack or shopping addiction, he’s working to support his family and so are you. I agree with what LynnSnow said. if he was unable to work for whatever reason and you had to support him, would you want him to beat himself up like this? I doubt it.
Post # 10
@helen_rita: agree on the 100%/100% thing. Also, talk to him about this, about how you feel!! Don’t let this thoughts hount you, you are not alone.
Post # 11
@helen_rita: When DH and I started dating I was working part time and going to college. I didn’t have two dimes to rub together & a whole lot of debt! I was always able to pay my own bills but didn’t have any money to spare. DH had been in his career for 8+ years and was doing quite well, with no debt. Fast forward I finish college, we get engaged & I start full time job (that I end up HATING)… We were now living together and I was paying my insurance, cell phone & groceries, DH took care of the rest. 6 months before the wedding we decided that I would leave my job and just wedding plan and chill before the wedding. That’s when DH took over caring for me financially (including my dreaded student loans). I’ve learned that DH shows his love to me by taking care of me he wants to be the provider & thats what he does. I show my love by meeting his needs in life, I manage the house, laundry, cooking, cleaning, social events, etc. We both put great effort towards taking care of one another & make sure that we meet each others needs. It works for us. We also spent the 9 months before our wedding in premarrital counseling & discussed what we felt the roles for husband and wife should be. Since we were able to have an open conversation about our expectations of one another we’ve come to a good understanding of what works for us.
Share your fears with your SO & see what he says. I bet you’ll be surprised at how he feels about the situation.
Post # 12
@helen_rita: I showed this to my husband because before we got married we were in this exact position and he had guilt because of his debt, his job and pay, and the difference. Your FI is marrying you. Not a portfolio of numbers and assets, but you for you. You happen to have a financial situation than him, but that doesn’t change who you are.
A relationship being isn’t going Dutch with everything being split down the middle. It’s each person giving as much as they can to the relationship and being a team. Each of you will have different strengths and bring different things to the relationship from emotional, skills, personalities, etc. But that balance isn’t based on money, but commitment to the success of your relationship.
You are working, you are achieving, and part of those things you call mistakes (the loans) have been learning and growth opportunities for you that have affected that person that he loves enough to want to spend his life with.
Please don’t let this eat away at you, and while our emotions sometimes get in the way of reason, remind yourself of all you do add to the relationship. And if your FI does want to start working with you to start attacking the student loan debt, have an open conversation about this– it was one of the hardest things trying to explain to DH that I felt I had been so fortunate in my job situation specifically because we were supposed to work on his student loans together. The two of you are a team!