Post # 1
Hi Everyone –
I realize this is a question only I can answer, but I wanted to get some opinions.
Our wedding is going to be fairly small – 105 invited and about 75 expected to show up. We’ve kept our wedding party small – but it does include my FH’s brother (groomsman) and his niece (flower girl). I have not asked my FSIL in law to be matron of honor though I’m wondering if I should – one reason we’ve left her out is that my FH only has 3 people he wants as groomsman without getting into situations where he feels the need to add in four more people, or five more people, rather than choose one additional groomsman out of a group of "equally important" friends. (My sister and two best friends make up the MOH and BMs). My FSIL is the type to get offended rather easily, and about a year ago or so did jokingly talk about being in our wedding, so I’m wondering if she is expecting to be in the wedding party. Personally I don’t want to include her – she’s a great person but rather high maintenance, and I don’t want to deal with that drama. I’ve also just bought the dresses for the girls (fantastic clearance sale on the perfect dress at a department store), and it would be hard to guess what size to get her for a year from now – she goes up and down in weight a lot, and will have just had a baby right before the wedding. Am I completely rude and wrong to think this way?
Post # 3
NOPE! Its your wedding and your wedding party…you choose who you want. Maybe you can include her in the planning or bridal shower or such parties some how…but if you dont want to have her in your wedding party I dont see the need to have her in it. The bridal party on your side consists of people you are close with. I have two sisters…and my only sisters I have…that I didnt ask to be in my wedding party…and it doesnt bother me or them. We arent that close and my older sister actually went to Vegas to get married and i couldnt go…now shes divorced I guess it doesnt matter! But if you dont want her in it…then you dont have to.
Post # 4
It’s your party, do what you want!!!! You do not have to ask her. The fact that you’re debating it in the frist place tells me that you shouldn’t!!! I didn’t ask mine…why is she suddenly more important than my friends anyways? That’s how I see it. My friends are more important–they’ve been there for me and they deserve to be there with me!
Post # 5
Just so you know … the MOH doesn’t always have to walk with someone … she can walk alone. I’ve seen it before
Post # 6
i totally understand the comments that it is your wedding and you should do what you want, but also take into consideration that the bs in your life after the wedding is yours as well. is it really worth the resentment and bs not to include your FSIL in your wedding party? if your FI only has one sibling – his sister – than i think you should invite her. she will probably feel left out if she isn’t in the BP and really, do you want to hurt her like that? (even if she is a pain in the a$$).
in my situation i have my sister as MOH, my SIL (my brother’s wife) and my 2 FSILs as my bridesmaids (one is my FI’s sister and the other is my FBIL’s wife). we have only family in our wedding party and no friends. we are sort of fortunate that we each have two siblings – a brother and sister each – and that they are all married. that way by having all of our siblings and their spouses in our BP we have it covered.
Post # 7
I think it’s okay not to make her a BM. Can you have her do a reading, or some other role, so that she still feels included in some way? Definitely don’t give her a random pity job like the guestbook, unless you know for sure that won’t offend her. 😛
Post # 8
Yes, she will probably be offended because you described her as the high maintence type BUT guess what? It’s your wedding. You shouldn’t have to give an explanation or add another person to your wedding party. I agree with the poster above who said that you may want to include her in another way though
Post # 9
Just my two cents, so take it for what its worth, but I think you should consider asking her. Here’s why I feel this way. About 3 years ago, my FH’s brother got married. At the time, I wasn’t close to his fiancee. In fact, I didn’t think we had much in common at all. I wasn’t expecting to be part of her bridal party, and wouldn’t have been disappointed if she didn’t ask me, but she did and I really (to my own surprise) felt honored. It made me feel even more a part of the family than I already did and it ended up bringing us closer and now, she will be in my wedding. I’m not saying you have to have her as a BM, but just to consider that she will be your family now and you will be sharing so much together and it might actually help you develop a relationship with her. Again, just my perspective having been in a similar situation. Good Luck!
Post # 10
Wait, is this FSIL your FI’s brother’s wife or your FI’s sister? If it’s the brother’s wife and FI isn’t eager to include her, I don’t think you should feel obligated to have her in your party. If it’s your FI’s sister and he’d kind like to have her in the bridal party, I’d do it, even if it means being uneven. Everyone talks about the BMs being the women who you’re close to but I think the entire bridal party is standing up with the couple, not just the women standing up for the bride and the men standing up for the groom. Maybe the bride’s family will take priority over the groom’s for bridesmaids, but if FI has a sister he’s close to and you don’t want to go "untraditional" by having a woman standing on his side, I think you should have the sister as a BM. You may not be close to her, but he is, and the bridal party is standing in support of the bride and groom as a couple and not as individuals.
Post # 11
i’m also dealing with this same decision (posted under "bridesmaids")… i feel guilty not having my FI’s ONLY sister as a BM. these responses are making me think twice that i may change my mind.
@loveatfirstsight makes a good point that the bridal party is supporting the couple. awhh..not sure what to do on this one either.
Post # 12
It is my fiance’s brothers wife. We were actually pretty close for a while – and then she got very distant and passive aggressive starting last summer. We’ve been pretty well off financially and they haven’t (due to different choices in life, none bad), and she got jealous (or so it seems, based on her comments). I had actually gotten her a job at my company which she said she wanted, but once she started she only lasted a few weeks and acted very put out to be there, even though she is the one who asked and knew what the role was coming into it. Things haven’t really been the same since.
Post # 13
it sounds to me like you shouldn’t ask her… i think having her close would make you uncomfortable. there may be some resentment about it from her, but my experience is that sensitive, high-maintenance people are going to find something to have drama about no matter what. just b/c she’s in the wedding party doesn’t mean she’s going to be pacified and well-behaved, and it doesn’t mean that she won’t find something else to have ill-will about.
i do think you should ask her to be a reader, and say something like "we really wish we could have included you in the wedding party, but we were trying to keep it very small and had to make some hard choices." don’t explain too much, or she may start second-guessing you.
Post # 14
Wedding party choices are so hard! You always worry about offending people who were ‘expecting’ to be in it. I think you are ok because it is so small, but that is just me. If you had 6 or 7 BMs and she was not one, well, that’s a little different – but with such an intimate group it seems more understandable that you would only have your very best friends.
Post # 15
Your wedding party should always consist of those closest to you! Always. Never feel obligated to make someone a bridesmaid/groomsman, just so they don’t feel left out. That’s not how a wedding party should be selected.
There are so many other ways to get them more involved in your big day. Guest book attendant, help receive gifts, pass out programs, etc.
Post # 16
I think there is nothing wrong with the bridal party choices you have made at all. You don’t have to include her on any other roles at all if you don’t want to either.