- 4 years ago
- Wedding: September 2017
Well hive, I have no problem dishing out advice on some hard topics. Now I am the one with the big issue. Huge, actually. I will do my best to explain…
FI and I keep our money separate. We just know what our mutual expenses cost and we pay those by splitting the bills down the middle when they come in. We do have a joint savings for bigger things and for the future but due to many things, that hasn’t been growing very fast in recent months.
In the past FI and I have had a lot of trouble communicating properly about money. It was something we worked on a lot when we went to therapy some years ago. I learned to trust him with his money (he’s terrible!) and he has done really well ever since the therapy sessions. Never missed a payment, always was financially comfortable, kept up his end of the bills, etc. So a few months ago (like around february) things were crazy and we were really tight on money. We made it through and were only behind a little bit. Or so I thought. We caught up on everything we mutually are responsible for, our son’s private school tuition, insurance, household bills etc. We sat down and even put our own separate bills on the table to make sure that we were each individually doing ok as well. Even though we keep separate bank accounts and whatnot, we are still a team and we wanted to make sure that each of us was ok and didn’t need some assistance. He was behind on his car payment by 1 month but when we did our budget it appeared that he would be able to catch up in three pay periods. Well since he has been doing so well for so long, I left it at that and didn’t pry too much and just accepted his word when he said that he would be fine catching up and that nothing else was behind. I didn’t ask for documentation because I figured if he did need help in other areas he would be forthcoming and say so. I realize now I should have maybe been more thorough given how I know he can be at times. Hindsight is a bitch…. anyway… Fast forward to end of last week…
On saturday morning I woke up early because I was going in to work for overtime. When I went outside to leave I didn’t see FI’s truck out there and was confused because I knew he was still inside getting ready for work. So I went in and asked where he parked the truck. His face just turned white as a ghost and he ran outside. Bees, his freaking truck was repossessed because he didn’t stick to the plan of catching up properly and things spiraled out of control I guess.
Im not sure at this point how it got so bad without me knowing. Then again, since his car is “his bill” and is in his name and is paid from his bank account, I would have no way of knowing. To make matters worse, since this has happened and I of course flipped out because I just didn’t know how to react, he’s sort of in a weird place. He’s cold and distant and just unwilling to communicate with me. Probably because he feels attacked because of how I reacted. I was hurt, and shocked, and stressed out by it, and just floored, to be honest. I had every right to feel that way and I know that but I probably could have been better at my approach and my communication too. It’s just been a really strange environment over the last few days. the biggest probem happened last night (aside from the the damn car being taken!). I told him that he broke my trust in him with his finances and that I wanted to sit down and see what WE are up against. I want to see documentation of all of his bills so I know everything and can help get him back on track and keep us ok. he basically told me I needed to “mind my own business” since I obviously don’t know how to be supportive. I left it alone and just kind of stayed out of the way last night because that was kind of me hitting my limit with trying to approach him since this happened.
It’s like he has just shut down completely and is in this really tough bubble and he doesn’t want to talk about it. I called our therapist and arranged for a meeting next week but bees… im scared. It took a lot of work to get us to a point where we had good communication and that only happened because we BOTH put in the work. Right now I don’t know if he’s got the right mentality to put in the same kind of effort like before. I pray he does but he’s just kind of cut himself off
he’s still doing everything he normally does with our son and at home, he’s not mean or anything and he is still apologizing but he just won’t talk about it and everytime I try things like last night happen. I don’t get it.
His boss owns a few car lots so his boss was able to give him a car to get to and from work in and he worked it out with him where he’s going to just take a specified amount off of the top of his check to pay for the car. There wasn’t much left to pay on his truck so as far as I know, even that won’t be too hard to fix. MOney is replaceable, so is the truck, of course. What im focused on is, how do we move forward after such a huge breech of trust? how do I not constantly worry that he will fall behind? we had, what I thought was a good system in place. Now we have to start from scratch and figure out how to handle things from here on out.
Do you think I handled things well so far? what advice would you give me for moving forward from here? As of now “leave him” is not on my radar. We have ten years and a child and are very much committed to each other and we love each other very much. So as of now, walking away from him is not what I want to do. I feel like this is one of those times where, as his partner, I need to be the solid one, I need to help pick him up, pick us up, and figure things out. I just… idk. I need help. It’s a lot for one person to process in just a few days. And it came out of nowhere. Any kind words and advice is appreciated 🙁