Am I handling this well? … Long (but please read anyway?)

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
9949 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2013

I would first apologize for blowing up at him, and explain why you did.  Then you need to have a conversation about being open with finances.  Are you able to help him out if he is in a financial bind?

Post # 4
Member
904 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2010

@stardustintheeyes:  The thing that immediately comes to mind for me is to combine finances completely. Is that something you guys would consider? Then he has to be 100% accountable. You shouldn’t have to babysit his finances, but if you guys do decide to purchase a house someday, his credit will have a direct impact on you. It sounds like a horrible situation, I’m sorry 🙁 I would be so, so mad at DH if he missed a payment and got repossessed and probably would have reacted the exact same way you did! Do you guys go to a couples counselor or to a financial counselor?

Post # 5
Member
252 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

Every couple has their own way of dealing with finances, but I have always been of the opinion that as soon as you start living a life together, at least the necessities have to be dealt with together. It’s one thing if you have separate accounts for your own spending, but another if living accommodation, transportation, housing costs (other bills or household expenses), and necessities like groceries are handled separately. These purchases and management of them (or mis-management) affect the entire household. Being suddenly down a car is a big deal. 

Of course, you need to work out this incident first – explain why this kind of thing is really scary to you, or bothers you. It’s not just about money or that you don’t trust him, it’s about not having stability in the things you rely on daily. It’s easier if both people know what resources are available to the household, and how they are being used. It’s just another set of eyes on the numbers. Then maybe you can talk about having a joint account to handle these necessities. 

I don’t think you’re overreacting or mishandling the situation – you have the right to be  upset about what happened – and now you just have to focus on how to prevent it from happening again.

Post # 7
Member
9949 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2013

@stardustintheeyes:  Then I think you need to talk about what his options are if he’s falling behind.  I’m sure it hurts his manly man pride or whatever to take money from a woman (sigh this world I tell you) but he needs to behave in a responsible way and fess up if he needs help.  OR, as another poster suggested, you should combine finances.  Are you planning to get married soon (September?)?   Work on this starting now…and good luck!

Post # 8
Member
7281 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast

I would start with an apology. You recognize that you could have handled the situation better. Apologize (even if you’ve already apoligized. Let him know that you can tell that he is upset and angsty, and ask him what you can do to help him work through the emotions of the situation. Don’t try to solve the problem. Just try to help heal the hurt. Connect with him as his loving and supportive and accepting partner first. Problem solving will come later.

Good luck!

Post # 10
Member
753 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

@stardustintheeyes:  I don’t have any advice here, just want to say that I understand. My FI has historically not been as responsible with his money, I’ve blown up at him, and then he shuts down. Over the last year of living together it has gotten better, but I know what you mean about the weird environment that follows after…. My guess, from conversations I’ve had with my FI when he feels/acts this way, is that he is ashamed. He got out of control and was afraid to tell you, and embarassed about needing help. I know that it has taken some doing for my FI to even be comfortable with the idea that I make more than he does; he would be mortified if I ever had to help him out of a bind- even if I didn’t mind at all. I think it’s hard to be a man, sometimes.

@lovekiss:  +1. This is exactly what I would do (and have done!).

Post # 12
Member
4576 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@stardustintheeyes:  He’s projecting onto you. He knows he fucked up, he’s embarrassed and didn’t like being held accountable.

I would have lost my shit in the moment, too. Yeah,  you could have held his hand and coddled him, but the bottom line is he *wasn’t being responsible* I, personally, do not feel you should have to kiss his ass because he’s pouting over something that could have been prevented had he just told you he was in a bind.

So, I’m going to go against the grain here and say you should stand firm. He’s an adult, you have a child together (or that you at least raise together). This isnt’ some immature, undeveloped relationship where he might have felt embarrassed coming to you. He screwed up here, big time.

Post # 14
Member
3635 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

@stardustintheeyes:  I applaud you for looking for new ways to communicate and manage money instead of just leave him to his own skulking or leaving him.

That said – maybe you could consider a varation of how we handle money?  We put everything into a joint account, out of which all of our bills are paid (like, ALL).  We have a budget drawn up that accounts for everything we’d reasonably need.  We have high savings goals, so a lot of it goes straight to savings.  Then a few $100 goes back to our own accounts to spend with impunity. 

But maybe you can trust each other to put your paychecks into a joint account, pay your bills, then split the rest back to your separate accounts.  That doesn’t leave one person shorter than the other, ever, and leaves you to save on your own.  I believe that regardless of income you should have the same opportunity to spend/save for yourself, and that would give you that freedom, as well as get all your bills paid.  If you do online bill pay you can change them all to pay at the same time of the month, then a few days later dispurse it back to each of you.  You can work out the logistics of having a card for household purchases and your own purchases, etc, or just spending cash on your own stuf.

Post # 16
Member
2368 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

Most men aren’t ok with asking their wife/fiance/SO for financial help.  Keep in mind that most men in this country have been raised to be the “providers”.  They’re supposed to take charge and fix things when they go wrong, and they’re supposed to take care of their wife.  Is it a stupid attitude?  Absolutely.  But you’re trying to untrain decades of that message being pounded into their heads in a relatively short timeframe. 

I can tell you what my parents did – my Mom set the budget.  My Dad’s an amazing guy, but personal money management is NOT his strong point.  She set aside “play money” for both of them individually every month, so Dad could buy whatever he wanted and not be accountable to anyone but himself, and same went for her.  All the money went into one account, and my Mom had primary control over it.   She paid the bills, put money into savings, etc.  He never once handled the money.  That way she knew everything was paid and on time.  She’s Japanese and he’s old school NY Irish, so there were a LOT of long held opinions on money on his part.  She convinced him that doing this was her way of being a good wife.  She gave him some lines about helping take the pressure off him, he was stressed with work and didn’t need the additional work when he came home, you get the idea.  By the time she was done, he believed this was his brilliant plan.  They never had another late payment, and they’re both happy. 

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