Am I held to a promise I made 8 years ago…?

posted 3 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 2
1136 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

PennyLove5:  In my opinion, definitely not. If you were still super close and saw eachother all the time it would probably be different (and you’d probably still want her!) but the fact that she is still hinting at it is a little lame.. You can have whoever you want, you’re not bound to off the cuff remarks you made nearly a decade ago!

As long as you haven’t said you want her as a bridesmaid since being engaged, she shouldn’t be expecting it. My friend and I said it to eachother only a few years ago and when we both got engaged in the last 12 months I didn’t expect her to stick to it.. (we’re still best friends and we’re eachothers MOH) but my point is even with a bestie I wouldn’t hold anyone to anything that wasn’t official and until they actually asked!

Post # 3
1093 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

No, I don’t think you should be held to that at all. I had a similar situation and it’s a lot different when you’re actually engaged as opposed to hypothetical

Post # 4
1230 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

No, it’s not like you swore to her, for better or worse, in sickness or in health, til death do you part to be bridesmaids. If she questions your failure to keep up with the promise, I’m sure you can find a way to politely let her down (family/ childhood friend/ inlaws would be insulted if they were excluded).

Post # 5
7052 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

PennyLove5:  I think there should be a law against making promises to be each others’ bridesmaids, and we should all be told this law when we get the period talk 🙂

Anyway, no. But I’d say something like, “That was a silly promise when we were teenagers (or barely out of our teens). I don’t think we’re close enough to be each others’ BMs. I hope you’re not hurt by this, but I never expected you to make me your BM either.”

p.s. If she had married and made you a bridesmaid, my answer would be different.

Post # 6
674 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

aussiemum1248:  I like the way you think about the bridemaid law. 

PennyLove5:  No. I don’t think you should have to honor her being a bridemaid, especially since you two aren’t close anymore. 

Post # 7
1072 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

I definitely don’t think you should be held to your previous agreement, but be aware that not doing so may cause a lot of hurt feelings and end the friendship. Fortunately, by the sounds of it, you wouldn’t mind too much if that happened.

Post # 8
689 posts
Busy bee

Are you planning to invite her to your wedding?

Post # 10
1840 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014


PennyLove5:  8 years, and you guys are barely in touch? No way Jose. 🙂

Post # 12
5162 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

PennyLove5:  No, I don’t think that you need to honour that. 

You may, however, need to acknowledge it.  I would follow her lead on this.  If she’s hinting at it (as she already has) I would have an honest talk with her along the lines of, “I know that back in university we’d imagined each other as bridesmaids, but with the way life has changed over the pas several years I’ve gone a different direction.  I hope you understand.” 

If she never brings it up again I’d just let it go because….awkward.

Post # 13
588 posts
Busy bee

You’re definitely not obligated to keep that promise. It might be nice to invite her to the wedding if you can, but you don’t have to have her in the wedding party.

Post # 14
9526 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

aussiemum1248:  This is a freaking brilliant rule! Seriously!

OP: No, I don’t think you’re held to a promise 8 years ago. It sounds like she’s super excited, so I’d consider trying to squeeze her into the guest list, if you can, but I wouldn’t make her a bridesmaid. I had a college friend that I would have had as a bridesmaid if I’d been married right out of college but 8 years later she was invited as a guest. It was actually really good to see her and catch up a bit. But we weren’t close enough for her to be a bridesmaid. 

Post # 15
419 posts
Helper bee

PennyLove5:  I’m going against the grain here. I think you aren’t obligated. But it seems to be important to her. Why not just add her in? Around here Bridesmaids buy their own stuff and throw a shower. Why not include her, make her happy – if it costs you nothing. Just saying it would be a nice things to do. 

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