Am I in the wrong here?

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
  • poll: Having a platonic friend of the opposite gender spend the night with your FI, separate beds?
    Totally ok! I trust my FI! : (27 votes)
    13 %
    No Way! I trust my FI but it's inappropriate! : (168 votes)
    83 %
    Other : (8 votes)
    4 %
  • Post # 3
    Member
    2627 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: November 1999

    I am with you. Its not that she comes over on one weekend where there was a change of plans and you were not there, but its always planned for these weekends that you were not there. That is questionnable.

    Post # 4
    Member
    7262 posts
    Busy Beekeeper
    • Wedding: February 2013

    I would not be okay with that. I agree with you that it almost sounds like they had a weekend-long date.

    Post # 5
    Member
    2571 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: November 2013

    That’s just not cool. 

    Post # 6
    Member
    3570 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: September 2011

    She lives within driving distance, yet had a weekend getaway in your home, with your future husband.  This is not cool on so many levels. 

    ETA: I would not be surprised if she was his bootycall.

    Post # 7
    Member
    2851 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: May 2014

    Nope NOT okay AT ALL!… He’s crazy if he can’t see your point. You need to put your foot down about this one.

    Post # 8
    Member
    2565 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: October 2014

    I will start this off by saying I am an advocate of men and women being friends.  If you wouldn’t be upset that your FI went to dinner and a movie with a male friend, you shouldn’t be upset because he went with a friend that just so happens to have a uterus.

    However, their pattern of behaviour seems odd.  She only comes to visit if you are away, and these seem to be preplanned to coincide with when you are gone.  I’m not a very suspicious person, but that doesn’t sit right to me.

    I think trying to cut this relationship off completely may be a bit much (and your FI may feel you are overstepping your boundaries and being controlling) but I do think it is reasonable to request these overnight weekend visits only occur when you are home.

    Post # 9
    Member
    3635 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: May 2012

    I’m with you.  My husband’s best friend is also a woman, but we’ve become good friends too since we got together.  I have no problem with him spending time alone with her.  It’s usually her and her daughter, or her whole family (which leads to me getting txts from her sister or mom asking where I am).  But she’d never spend the night, let alone the whole weekend if I wasn’t there.  It’s just… weird.  She spends the night when she comes to hang out with us and we all have too much to drink, sure.  It’s close to an hour drive and no one wants to do that with a 2.5yo at 11pm.  She has come over when I’m not home just for dinner – and left – but I was the one who invited her!  She was transporting a gift for her sister for me. 

    Post # 10
    Member
    462 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: September 2014

    It would make me uncomfortable… but then I have to put myself in that situation. I have a best friend who is male. FI and him aren’t close, but they’re friendly. He lives states away, and if we spent time together it would be at the other person’s house/apartment. We would sleep in different rooms, but I would want to spend time with him. 

    On the other hand, I would try to include FI as much as possible and triple check that he was okay with this before I invited this friend over to stay.

    I think I would be okay with him doing that if he tried to do the same – include me in plans, make sure it was okay to have the friend over, etc. 

    Post # 11
    Member
    7281 posts
    Busy Beekeeper
    • Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast

    Inappropriate for a variety of reasdons. 1. Why are people (ANY people) staying in your home without your prior knowledge and consent? 2. Why only visit when you are not present? 3. How would he feel if you invited another dude to stay with you, and go to the movies/dinner/bar/brunch with you all without his knowledge? Your FI needs to pull his head out of his arse on this one. 

    Post # 12
    Member
    466 posts
    Helper bee

    I specifically told my SO that no female friends may stay over when I’m not home.  Its totally ok when I’m here, but not when I’m not in the apartment.  I think its fair and he has told me that he wouldn’t like it if I let a guy sleep over when he wasn’t around.  I trust my SO, but I also know it would make me jealous.  

    You are not over-reacting.  If she wants to come for a visit, no prob.  However, you should be home.  

    Post # 13
    Member
    3557 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: August 2014

    FI and I spent college in an LDR and one of his best friends at college was a girl he views almost as a sister. There were many nights when they were drinking at FI’s place and she spent the night on the futon rather than drive home across town. I usually didn’t get a heads up on those nights, but I was totally fine with it because I know their realtionship well and know nothing would ever happen.

    Your situation does make me a bit uncomfortable though. Especially the part where she only comes around when you’re gone. The constant contact thing would annoy me too. I say go with your gut, if it feels inappropriate and is crossing lines for you, then you are right to be uncomfortable.

    Post # 14
    Member
    9412 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper

    @pheelomeena:  He doesn’t understand why treating someone like a girlfriend who you don’t have sex with is inappropriate when you’re engaged? He specifically chooses time that you will be away and only tells you about it after the fact, and yet he still can’t see a problem? I don’t think sleepovers are normal for anyone over the age of 10 let alone with someone of the opposite sex.

    You don’t feel right about it and that is all the motivation that he should need to change. You, as his future wife, should come first. Are you positive they slept in different rooms and are you positive there isn’t an emotional affair going on? A grown man who is engaged to be married shouldn’t be making a relationship like this a priority (or even having one).

    Post # 15
    Member
    2042 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: September 2013

    @pheelomeena:  Id flip out.  After we started getting serious he pretty much stopped talking to his female friends.  If he had many….I never told him to do that or even hinted I wanted him to do that.  There is only one female friend he still talks to here and there and we dont see her much anymore but he would NEVER and she would NEVER do that.  Him not understanding where you are coming from is trouble.  You really need to get him to understand or this is going to keep happening.  Tell him next time he wants to hang out with her you must be there. 

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