(Closed) Am I in the wrong to feel this way!?

posted 2 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
1236 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2014 - San Francisco, CA

Yes, you are wrong to feel this way. I understand it’s disappointing when someone won’t spend what you feel is reasonable on your wedding, but it’s not your place to judge their finances OR how they spend them. I would personally find $500 extravagent for a single wedding, and I think she’s doing the right thing by asking to participate but in a lower-key role. If it’s immeasurably important for her to be there, you can pay for it or make it cheaper for her to be a part of it.

 

As for her wedding, if you want to attend and can afford to do so, attend. If you don’t, don’t. That one is easy. “But she asked us to spend money on HER wedding!” isn’t an excuse, because you, like she, can always say “No.”

Post # 4
Member
6032 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2014

If you yourself are concerned that she tends to be flaky, then her asking for a less instrumental role in the wedding is the smartest thing she can do. When you ask so,eone to be in your wedding, you are asking them to do you a pretty big favor; even if all they do is show up in the right dress, there’s still a fair bit of financial and time commitment involved in that. And like any favor, the person you ask is perfectly free to say Thanks, But No Thanks.

It always stings when we feel that we are less important to someone than they are to us but you don’t know her reasons for asking for a less central role. Don’t go inventing reasons on her behalf. Accept her request graciously. When you are invited to her wedding, do not hold this situation over her head; decide if you will go based on yor finances, time off, desire to go to the Caribbean, etc. 

if you turn this into a “tit for tat” situation or dream up potentially imaginary reasons to be hurt and upset, you will risk ruining your relationship with this person — who has been very important in your fi’s life- forever.

Post # 5
Member
8071 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

Yeah, I could see why your fiancé might be disappointed- but she doesn’t want to be in the wedding and you didnt really want her to in the first place! So it works out. Just let it go.

re: her wedding, just smile and nod and say youd love to be there. She’s not even engaged yet so I wouldn’t take anything as a formal invite. You’ll just have to see how it shakes out and of course you don’t HAVE to attend someone’s DW. 

Post # 6
Member
1236 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2014 - San Francisco, CA

So she assumed it would be $500, and you assumed it would be $1300 for hers, but her assumption is rude/wrong and yours isn’t?

Weddings are expensive. Serving in them is expensive even before the dress, the gift, the hair/makeup, the shoes, the lingerie shower, the honeyfund, and everything else people seem to expect BMs “must” spend money on. Not everyone will agree with me on this, but I think it’s incredibly inappropriate when people say “But they spend XYZ amount of money on this hobby! Why can’t they spend it on MY WEDDING!” Because it’s their hobby, their life, their money. Instead of judging them, find a way to work within the budget they have set.

You are free to approach her and say “Hey Fiona [or whomever], I’m sorry you felt backed into a corner budget-wise about my wedding. The dress would cost XYZ dollars, I’m paying for the hotel, and you don’t have to send a gift for the shower or come to the bachelorette or anything like that. Todd [or whoever your FI is] and I really, really want you there.” If the dress cost is still too much, you can either buy it for her or find another role in the wedding for her (usher, favors, etc.)

If this person is really that important to you, you will be able to find a way to incorporate them into your wedding that will be within their budget. Things are expensive for BOTH of you right now. A little understanding on that front will go a long way towards preserving that relationship.

Post # 7
Member
1890 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

MeandMyLouboutins:  sounds like she just doesn’t want to be in the wedding party. I can definitely understand how your fiance might be hurt and disappointed, and I would be annoyed too. But I’d let him handle this his own way, since this is his close friend.

She’s not even engaged yet – her hypothetical DW might not actually happen, so I wouldn’t worry about it until the time comes.

Post # 9
Member
42538 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

MeandMyLouboutins:  Contrary to a pp’s opinion, feelings are never wrong. We feel how we feel. It’s how you act on those feelings that counts.

In this case i think you may be getting  a bit bent out of shape on your FI’s behalf. She is his friend. He asked you to include her in the bridal party when she could have been on the groom’s side. Consequently you have assumed ownership of the problem.

She is being  a bit self-centred saying she can’t be in your wedding whilst in the same breath trying  to get you to commit to her destination wedding. On the other hand, you have every right to just say no.

Let this one go, and don’t jeopardize your relationships based on who will or won’t be in the bridal party.

 

Post # 11
Member
314 posts
Helper bee

MeandMyLouboutins:  I completely agree with you! she isn’t even engaged yet! and if she “knows how much weddings cost” then she should know you arn’t in a possission to go to her damn destination wedding in the same damn year you’re paying for your own wedding- it’s rude and hypocritical of her to say “but you’re coming to mine, right?” She’s being a self-centered, facetious betch. Please don’t waste any more time on that couple. Hopefully they will come around and realize how their stupidity is destroying a good friendship.

Post # 12
Member
6048 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: March 2012

On the surface they may look flush with cash but you really have no idea about their finances or what goes on behind the scenes.  I was going thru a merger at work and my dept. was going to be elminated.  I had an expensive car payment, I paid rent/utilities at home and for summer camps for my niece. I never missed a trip anywhere.  So on the surface I looked very stable.  I did have savings to cover about 6months but I wan’t going to start at what I made anywhere.   One of the guys I grew up with was getting married to one of my college girlfriends, and I introduced them.  I was terrified they would ask me to be in the wedding.  Seems my brother had told them of my job situation and I was asked to be a reader.  Wear my own dress and still be in the wedding.  

I think that this girl was trying not to be flaky she was telling you upfront what is going on with her life.  You can read tons of posts on here about BM’s flaking out not ordering the dress, and then it’s even more of a strain on the planning.  She tried to be upfront and actually came up with a solution that she still participates but not with so much of the cost.  I don’t get it why not just take her up on her offer? 

Post # 14
Member
502 posts
Busy bee

In your conversation with her it sounds like you laid out the groundwork to make it sound like you already expected her to not do much. So she was honest, and says she doesn’t think she can make that commitment. Feelings are allowed to be hurt, but if she had said yes and 6 months down the line wasn’t making it to events, how much more upset would you be? She did the adult thing and chose what was best for herself and ultimately you and your FI. She even offered an alternative, showing that she wants to be involved but not in a way that would ultimately let you down.

She doesn’t owe you or your FI anything for her friendship. 

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