Post # 1
Hey Bees – I’m going to try to keep this one short!
My finacé and I met through his BF. I had met her a year or two before as my sister and her older sister are good friends. We hit it off right away! After going out a couple of times she asked to introduce me to her friend and it all took off from there. Fast forward a couple of years and me and her BF and now engaged (life is kinda funny huh!?) I noticed that with her BF she seemed kind of selfish or pre-occupied. She’d never call him back when he called her and always had excuses. She never really made time for him and said she was busy etc. This is fine because we all go through busy times and stages in our lives.
When we got engaged my fiancé wanted her as a part of the bridal party. Because she was the one who had introduced us and they were friend forever I hesistated a bit (due to her being non-comittal and flaky) but went ahead since it was what he really wanted. So, I called her and asked how she was doing (since she never calls me and everytime I call her she has an excuse why she needs to call me back) — she updated me on things with her and her BF they may be moving in together etc. She then asked about the engagment and I proceeded to ask her to be my bridesmaid. I also wanted to talk to her about my hesitation with her being busy and stated all I needed was for her to show up on the day of the wedding. I advised I didnt want anyone to stress so if she cant make the shower or bachelorette I am totally cool with that … just buy the dress and all is good. She hesitated and told me next year will be a big year for her. I asked what she means? She proceeded to say she may be engaged soon and they are going away for their wedding in the Carbibean as well as they may be buying a house. She gave me the story that “weddings usually cost upwards of 500.00 and she’ll have to think about it”. She then proceeded to ask “but you guys will come to my wedding right?” to which I muttered something about doing the best we could since its the same year but knowing my fiancé he would never miss her wedding for anything in the world.
I was litereally stunned and said okay and told her to let me know.She then texted my finacé and asked if she could take part in another way like handing out wedding favours!? He proceeded to tell her to forget it and explained his dissapointment and shock since they have been talking about being in each others weddings since they were teenagers. Her excuse to him was that she didnt have time to prepare for this and being in a wedding party would cost her X amount of money for the shower etc. She said she didn’t want this to change anything between them and we left it at that.
My feeling is that his best friend is extremely selfish.
1) How can you ask us to spend upwards of 1300 to simply attend your wedding (even though you aren’t engaged) when you wont spend 500 (and thats her estimate) to be a part of ours
2) I know people are going to say “well you don’t know her financial situation” but we kind of do. She lives at home (and pays rent to be fair) — she makes upwards of 50k a year and has no kids. Her and her BF go on trips very frequently and she is never hard pressed for cash.
3) I am offended that she cant even save 40-50 a month to be a part of our day as we asked her more than a year in advance.
Am I wrong for feeling this way? I know some bees may call me selfish ect but I’m finding it very hard to get over her response to our invite, especailly since they are supposed to be BEST FRIENDS!? My fiancé is very down about this and I don’t know what to do to make it better.. Any advice?
Post # 2
- Wedding: June 2014 - San Francisco, CA
Yes, you are wrong to feel this way. I understand it’s disappointing when someone won’t spend what you feel is reasonable on your wedding, but it’s not your place to judge their finances OR how they spend them. I would personally find $500 extravagent for a single wedding, and I think she’s doing the right thing by asking to participate but in a lower-key role. If it’s immeasurably important for her to be there, you can pay for it or make it cheaper for her to be a part of it.
As for her wedding, if you want to attend and can afford to do so, attend. If you don’t, don’t. That one is easy. “But she asked us to spend money on HER wedding!” isn’t an excuse, because you, like she, can always say “No.”
Post # 3
rachel85: Granted I never said the dress was 500.00 that was her estimate on how much weddings cost…. All I asked her to do was buy a dress and the ones I have picked out would never amount to that much money
And you’re right we can say no, however, I think its a bit audacious to in the next breath ask me about speinding money on yours that you just admitted you wouldn’t spend a fraction of on mine.. that’s all – plus the kicker is she’s not engaged…
Post # 4
If you yourself are concerned that she tends to be flaky, then her asking for a less instrumental role in the wedding is the smartest thing she can do. When you ask so,eone to be in your wedding, you are asking them to do you a pretty big favor; even if all they do is show up in the right dress, there’s still a fair bit of financial and time commitment involved in that. And like any favor, the person you ask is perfectly free to say Thanks, But No Thanks.
It always stings when we feel that we are less important to someone than they are to us but you don’t know her reasons for asking for a less central role. Don’t go inventing reasons on her behalf. Accept her request graciously. When you are invited to her wedding, do not hold this situation over her head; decide if you will go based on yor finances, time off, desire to go to the Caribbean, etc.
if you turn this into a “tit for tat” situation or dream up potentially imaginary reasons to be hurt and upset, you will risk ruining your relationship with this person — who has been very important in your fi’s life- forever.
Post # 5
Yeah, I could see why your fiancé might be disappointed- but she doesn’t want to be in the wedding and you didnt really want her to in the first place! So it works out. Just let it go.
re: her wedding, just smile and nod and say youd love to be there. She’s not even engaged yet so I wouldn’t take anything as a formal invite. You’ll just have to see how it shakes out and of course you don’t HAVE to attend someone’s DW.
Post # 6
- Wedding: June 2014 - San Francisco, CA
So she assumed it would be $500, and you assumed it would be $1300 for hers, but her assumption is rude/wrong and yours isn’t?
Weddings are expensive. Serving in them is expensive even before the dress, the gift, the hair/makeup, the shoes, the lingerie shower, the honeyfund, and everything else people seem to expect BMs “must” spend money on. Not everyone will agree with me on this, but I think it’s incredibly inappropriate when people say “But they spend XYZ amount of money on this hobby! Why can’t they spend it on MY WEDDING!” Because it’s their hobby, their life, their money. Instead of judging them, find a way to work within the budget they have set.
You are free to approach her and say “Hey Fiona [or whomever], I’m sorry you felt backed into a corner budget-wise about my wedding. The dress would cost XYZ dollars, I’m paying for the hotel, and you don’t have to send a gift for the shower or come to the bachelorette or anything like that. Todd [or whoever your FI is] and I really, really want you there.” If the dress cost is still too much, you can either buy it for her or find another role in the wedding for her (usher, favors, etc.)
If this person is really that important to you, you will be able to find a way to incorporate them into your wedding that will be within their budget. Things are expensive for BOTH of you right now. A little understanding on that front will go a long way towards preserving that relationship.
Post # 7
MeandMyLouboutins: sounds like she just doesn’t want to be in the wedding party. I can definitely understand how your fiance might be hurt and disappointed, and I would be annoyed too. But I’d let him handle this his own way, since this is his close friend.
She’s not even engaged yet – her hypothetical DW might not actually happen, so I wouldn’t worry about it until the time comes.
Post # 8
rachel85: I won’t go back and forth because you are entitled to an opposing opinion but I haven’t made any decisions based on my assuption vs she has…
She never said “I’d love to but I can’t afford it” .. it was basically a no so why would I offer to pay for it? Not to mention she makes way more money than I do , but that is neither here nor there. I understand your suggestion to help her pay but.. yea.. not gonna happen lol
In life, especially for those close to us we go out of our way, my finacé and I just feel hurt she wouldn’t do so for us considering how imortant they are for each other. That’s all…
Post # 9
MeandMyLouboutins: Contrary to a pp’s opinion, feelings are never wrong. We feel how we feel. It’s how you act on those feelings that counts.
In this case i think you may be getting a bit bent out of shape on your FI’s behalf. She is his friend. He asked you to include her in the bridal party when she could have been on the groom’s side. Consequently you have assumed ownership of the problem.
She is being a bit self-centred saying she can’t be in your wedding whilst in the same breath trying to get you to commit to her destination wedding. On the other hand, you have every right to just say no.
Let this one go, and don’t jeopardize your relationships based on who will or won’t be in the bridal party.
Post # 10
MrsBuesleBee: you have a good point!
julies1949: well I figured since she’s a female and it’s not like we aren’t friends I would ask. Maybe in hindsight he should’ve…
Post # 11
MeandMyLouboutins: I completely agree with you! she isn’t even engaged yet! and if she “knows how much weddings cost” then she should know you arn’t in a possission to go to her damn destination wedding in the same damn year you’re paying for your own wedding- it’s rude and hypocritical of her to say “but you’re coming to mine, right?” She’s being a self-centered, facetious betch. Please don’t waste any more time on that couple. Hopefully they will come around and realize how their stupidity is destroying a good friendship.
Post # 12
On the surface they may look flush with cash but you really have no idea about their finances or what goes on behind the scenes. I was going thru a merger at work and my dept. was going to be elminated. I had an expensive car payment, I paid rent/utilities at home and for summer camps for my niece. I never missed a trip anywhere. So on the surface I looked very stable. I did have savings to cover about 6months but I wan’t going to start at what I made anywhere. One of the guys I grew up with was getting married to one of my college girlfriends, and I introduced them. I was terrified they would ask me to be in the wedding. Seems my brother had told them of my job situation and I was asked to be a reader. Wear my own dress and still be in the wedding.
I think that this girl was trying not to be flaky she was telling you upfront what is going on with her life. You can read tons of posts on here about BM’s flaking out not ordering the dress, and then it’s even more of a strain on the planning. She tried to be upfront and actually came up with a solution that she still participates but not with so much of the cost. I don’t get it why not just take her up on her offer?
Post # 13
HisIrishPrincess: uh, because that’s an insult… I don’t need my wedding favours handed out… nor am I even having any lol – smh
Post # 14
In your conversation with her it sounds like you laid out the groundwork to make it sound like you already expected her to not do much. So she was honest, and says she doesn’t think she can make that commitment. Feelings are allowed to be hurt, but if she had said yes and 6 months down the line wasn’t making it to events, how much more upset would you be? She did the adult thing and chose what was best for herself and ultimately you and your FI. She even offered an alternative, showing that she wants to be involved but not in a way that would ultimately let you down.
She doesn’t owe you or your FI anything for her friendship.
Post # 15
winstonchurchill: Maybe that is where me and a lot of the bees on here disagree. When you are a friend to someone you go out of your way to help them as well as to be there for them. If you feel like the only thing someone owes you is occasional conversation and that’s a friend we are on total different pages in regards to what being a “friend” means.
And FYI my post said she didn’t HAVE to come to any events