(Closed) Am I jerk for not telling a BM she isn’t the MOH?

posted 7 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 3
Member
550 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

I think the fact that you didn’t ask her to be your MOH is a pretty big clue lol.

If it helps, I was a bridesmaid in my best friend’s wedding. She asked her oldest friend to be her MOH because she waas hers. After the wedding, my friend wished she chose me to be her MOH because I knew her so much better presently and would have been there for her more. I had no hurt feelings, I was just so happy to be a part of her day! She is my MOH in my wedding.

If your friend wants to have hurt feelings, that is her deal. I don’t believe you owe her an explination. It is your day!

Post # 4
Member
9 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2011

@Fricky:I did the same thing as you! I just let the BMs figure it out from my website.  But my MOH is my sister so it was sort of expected that I would choose her…I think it’s fine.  I’ve never been a MOH before and when i was a BM we sort of just figured it out without being told directly by the bride

Post # 5
Member
622 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2012

I don’t think you did anything wrong! You asked BM#2 to be in your wedding not MOH, that should be the clue. i think you handled this wonderfully and if she says something again about BM#1 and her “planning” you can always say well yea the MOH usually does take on a bigger roll in that sort of stuff.

Good Luck!

Post # 6
Member
254 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

I would never assume I was MOH unless I was actually ASKED.

Post # 8
Member
9 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2011

@Fricky:I can’t imagine she would confront you about it , I think it would be sort of rude to put someone in that uncomfortable position.  Unless she said it nicely and just expressed that she understands it’s a tough decision for you but she can’t help but feel a little disappointed.  I only chose family as BMs so I could avoid stuff like this 🙂

Post # 9
Member
1506 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

Holy crap. The SAME THING happened to me. 1 BM assumed she would be MOH but I asked my other friend instead (for a ton of reasons I won’t get into). I figured the other BM would just assume that because I did not ask her directly to be MOH, she wasn’t it. In the end, she confronted the girl I asked to be my MOH, and she went off on me saying I should have told her from the start she wasn’t the MOH. She dropped out of the wedding party altogether at that point and we’re not friends anymore.
I certainly hope your friend is more mature and understanding about the whole thing than my friend was.

Post # 11
Member
860 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

Well I have a MOH and a Matron of Honor.  I told them what their titles were when I asked them but for the other 2 BMs I just asked if they’d be in our wedding.  They already knew because of the nature of our relationships.  I think maybe it would have been better coming from your mouth what her role was rather than on the website but I don’t think you need to beat yourself up about this.  Ask her if she was hurt by it and apologize.  Tell her you feel bad about your delivery but you didn’t want to have any conflict.  Obviously she is important enough to be IN the wedding at all.  Shouldn’t be a problem if she is a true friend.  Best wishes!

Post # 12
Member
1506 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

@Fricky: It sucked, but now my bridal party is amazing. No tension, no drama. I think the issue was that my friend thought that just because we had been friends the longest meant that we were the closest, which we weren’t. It sounds as though your situation is similar in that regard. Hopefully she won’t freak, but if she does, maybe it’s best you guys get it out of the way now.

Post # 13
Member
3049 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 1991

I only told my MOH’s that they were MOH’s. The other ones I just said will you be my BM. I just assumed that they knew they weren’t MOH when I asked them to be BMs. But either way, I don’t think people should get nasty about not being a certain position. They can still plan as much or as less as they want to. It should be an honor to be an attendant either way 🙂

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