(Closed) Am I just over reacting?

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
3219 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2010

I dont think you are over reacting. If it was me i wouldnt have picked him up or brought him to get his car the next day. How old is he and his friends?

I think maybe you guys should set some rules. ex going out drinking 1 night vs 2-3 nights.

esp since the 2 of you have a child he needs to be much more of a responsible parent then the way hes been acting,

Post # 5
Member
10851 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

I’m going to be totally honest here and a lot of this comes from my own experiences as being in a relationship with someone who has a child. First, you totally saw this coming. You had a gut instinct that this would happen, you asked him not to do it, but you knew it was coming, otherwise you wouldn’t have said anything to him. It’s great that he’s apologized, but honestly, it’s likely he’s going to do it again and again until he decides to grow up. You say that his friends aren’t very mature, but it sounds to me like he’s not very mature either. So how can you change this? I don’t think you really can. He needs to make the decision as to what his priorities in life are and where he wants to be spending his time. All you can do is tell him exactly how you feel and how his actions made you feel.

Is he your son’s father or stepfather? If he’s about to become a stepparent he could be a bit stressed about it and that’s part of why he’s behaving this way. As a soon to be stepmother, I can totally identify with being nervous/scared of this large role in a child’s life. FI took a long time himself to settle into the role of being a father, and but over time he realized he had a lot of responsibilities now and “settled down” if that makes sense. That being said, he still has “guys nights” and I’m very sensitive to giving him space to blow off steam and be with his guys. However, that’s a couple times a month, not twice a week.

I also would have been really disappointed if FI chose to go out drinking with his buddies the night before I was supposed to go away for two weeks. I think you need to have a really honest conversation with him about priorities and how he’s making you feel. I wouldn’t be accusing, just honest. This situation seems really unfair, I feel awful for you. ((hugs))

Post # 6
Member
612 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

Wow… That would really piss me off.  I have no problem with drinking, but when it gets to the point of being irresponsible then it’s time to cut it off.  You need to have a heart to heart with him about how this is affecting your relationship as well as possibly your son (at 7 he is old enough to see the strain it is putting on you).  If it were me I would tell him that while I can understand wanting to go out and hang with your friends I think that there is a more responsible way to do it.  I would mention that I don’t appreciate being told to make dinner and then have it wasted because he felt going out and drinking would be more fun.  I would tell him that this isn’t a one time thing and that it is causing a strain on your relationship and that if he doesn’t get his act together this will be the downfall.  I would tell him you want to go to counseling and maybe they can help him see why he feels the need to act like an 21 year old frat boy and help the two of you work together to overcome this.  Good luck and I hope he learns to grow up soon:)

**Side note, I would have made him go into work as well.  I think if you are old enough to make your own decisions then you are old enough to handle the outcomes. 

Post # 7
Member
711 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

When my husband and I first got engaged we moved in together and we were expecting our son. We moved onbase a month before our son was due and my husband was out drinking with his new army buddies almost everynight leaving me home alone to move all the stuff in our house. 9 days before I was due I specifically said to him “honey I feel funny, I know its been stressful but I think the baby is going to come soon can you not get drunk tonight”. He said he would be home by 11:00 – 2:00am rolls around. I had decided to leave him. I did not want my son in that environment.. welll guess what I went into labour by 4:00am! He drove me tot he hospital drunk.  I ended up delivering 9 days early because my son had pooped inside of me due to stress. The next day I sat down with him and I said look ” I love you but I was going to leave you the other night. Our son needs me more than you do and if I have to choose I will choose to take care of him”. We had a serious discussion about how his drinking was affecting us and our child. Needless to say our son is now 2 this september and My husband rarely goes out with friends and drinks and when he does he doesnt get drunk.

I know its a very very difficult conversation – and believe me I did not want to leave my husband, he has been my best friend since I was 16 and I want to grow old with him but I think that kids are the first priority. He needs to realize that he is a role model and that what he does affects you and your son in everyway. I really hope that things work out for you two and that a long discussion helps him realize just how important you are to him – men can be so dense. I dont think they really understand until we bluntly lay it out for them.

Good luck!

 

edit: I just wanted to ask – was this behaviour normal before? My husband barely went out and drank before he went on base so I think that helped when it came to him stopping. Is this something that your FI did before you moved there or is it strictly related to his friends. There may be hope!

Post # 8
Member
837 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I don’t think you’re overrating at all.  It sounds to me like he needs to grow up.  How old is he anyway, because he’s acting like a 19 year old frat boy….  I know, I dated a few before I met FI lol.

Post # 11
Member
445 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

You are not over-reacting. That is totally unacceptable and immature behaviour. About the only good thing I can say about it is that he realized he wasn’t in any shape to drive. I’m glad you made him go to work hungover … serves him right!

If he’s really “sorry” and he really loves you, he will stop doing sh*t like this. I have absolutely zero tolerance for “needing” to go get wasted. I know what it’s like to live with a problem drinker and I would never, ever, in a million years, go there again.

 

Post # 12
Member
326 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

Yeah you are NOT overreacting, but I think you need to stand up a little bit more to him about this.  Your actions are obviously not enough in this situation, because it doesnt seem to be helping things.  You need to set some serious boundaries.  Who the hell cares if he needs “boy time?”  He is almost 30 and needs to act like a grown man, especially if you made the move across country to be with him.  Also, if I had a child around, I can guarantee that my husband/fiance/SO would not be near him while intoxicated.  I have seen the damage that can do to a child, and it is not okay.  You guys really need to have a serious talk about this situation, because there is a big potential for it to get worse.

Post # 13
Member
513 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

Wow. I think you really need to sit him down and let him know this is not acceptable behavior. I would tell him how you feel and how stupid he looks and acts when he is drunk. Maybe moving to his hometown was a bad idea. Maybe he just needs to get past the adjustment phase, idk. What does need to happen is him to stop acting like a 21 year old. I am sorry you he is acting like this. Hopefully he will see how he is affecting your family sooner than later.

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