Post # 1
This will be a long one but I want to rant and also get some advice before the fin come home from work.
So we just recently moved back to his town. This is a place that I know no one and he has a ton of friends. I never really wanted to move here but I love him and did it for him because we are from opposite sides of the country and we can’t both be the place we want and be together. His friends are not the most mature and they drink heavily while together. Prior to moving I kept saying don’t just leave me at home and go out drinking.
Well fastforward to present time. This Saturday he went out afterwork leaving me and our son at home. He rolled into the house at 1:00 am when he everyone was asleep and you could tell he had put away a decent amount. Then yesterday he was suppose to go out with a fellow friend that is also getting married to look at suits at 5:00. This was suppose to be an hour trip and he asked me to have dinner ready for him when he got home. He also said that if they did anything after he would give me a call or text to tell me what was going on. Finally at 10:00 with our child in bed he calls very drunk and asks for a ride home….but not now he wants another 30-45 mins out. This pissed me off more than life because I had to then go get my 7 year old up and drink over PLUS wake up at 6:30 to take him to get his truck so he could go to work. When I showed up to pick him up he still contiuned to talk and wanted us to stay for a visit. UGH so finally around 11:00 I get back home. He was so stupidly drunk and slurring words that I was annoyed because I don’t want my son seeing these things.
Well to top this off I am going away on a 2 week vacation tomorrow morning. I thought it was very careless of him to not want to spend the time with me before I left for 2 weeks. I am going to do wedding planning and we need to sit down a decide on a few things for the wedding. UGH
I am just over reacting about this. He has told me sorry and million times and just keeps saying I love. Well that doesnt make it better still for me. I just keep thinking that this is what my life will be in this town.
Post # 3
I dont think you are over reacting. If it was me i wouldnt have picked him up or brought him to get his car the next day. How old is he and his friends?
I think maybe you guys should set some rules. ex going out drinking 1 night vs 2-3 nights.
esp since the 2 of you have a child he needs to be much more of a responsible parent then the way hes been acting,
Post # 4
He is almost 30 and his friends are all in that range too or a little older. Last night I asked him when he is going to grow up. I think maybe I wouldn’t have been as pissed if it was on the weekend but be responsible when you have work the next day. I stopped doing that shit like 5 or more years ago.
He said it was a one time thing and that once in a while he just wants to go out with the boys. Well pick a weekend and go out and crash at their house. UGH!
The only reason I went to get him was because you could tell he was more drunk then I had ever seen him so he was not to be driving and I took him back to the car to force him to go to work. He wanted to just call in sick but I wanted him to pay for his actions.
Post # 5
I’m going to be totally honest here and a lot of this comes from my own experiences as being in a relationship with someone who has a child. First, you totally saw this coming. You had a gut instinct that this would happen, you asked him not to do it, but you knew it was coming, otherwise you wouldn’t have said anything to him. It’s great that he’s apologized, but honestly, it’s likely he’s going to do it again and again until he decides to grow up. You say that his friends aren’t very mature, but it sounds to me like he’s not very mature either. So how can you change this? I don’t think you really can. He needs to make the decision as to what his priorities in life are and where he wants to be spending his time. All you can do is tell him exactly how you feel and how his actions made you feel.
Is he your son’s father or stepfather? If he’s about to become a stepparent he could be a bit stressed about it and that’s part of why he’s behaving this way. As a soon to be stepmother, I can totally identify with being nervous/scared of this large role in a child’s life. FI took a long time himself to settle into the role of being a father, and but over time he realized he had a lot of responsibilities now and “settled down” if that makes sense. That being said, he still has “guys nights” and I’m very sensitive to giving him space to blow off steam and be with his guys. However, that’s a couple times a month, not twice a week.
I also would have been really disappointed if FI chose to go out drinking with his buddies the night before I was supposed to go away for two weeks. I think you need to have a really honest conversation with him about priorities and how he’s making you feel. I wouldn’t be accusing, just honest. This situation seems really unfair, I feel awful for you. ((hugs))
Post # 6
Wow… That would really piss me off. I have no problem with drinking, but when it gets to the point of being irresponsible then it’s time to cut it off. You need to have a heart to heart with him about how this is affecting your relationship as well as possibly your son (at 7 he is old enough to see the strain it is putting on you). If it were me I would tell him that while I can understand wanting to go out and hang with your friends I think that there is a more responsible way to do it. I would mention that I don’t appreciate being told to make dinner and then have it wasted because he felt going out and drinking would be more fun. I would tell him that this isn’t a one time thing and that it is causing a strain on your relationship and that if he doesn’t get his act together this will be the downfall. I would tell him you want to go to counseling and maybe they can help him see why he feels the need to act like an 21 year old frat boy and help the two of you work together to overcome this. Good luck and I hope he learns to grow up soon:)
**Side note, I would have made him go into work as well. I think if you are old enough to make your own decisions then you are old enough to handle the outcomes.
Post # 7
When my husband and I first got engaged we moved in together and we were expecting our son. We moved onbase a month before our son was due and my husband was out drinking with his new army buddies almost everynight leaving me home alone to move all the stuff in our house. 9 days before I was due I specifically said to him “honey I feel funny, I know its been stressful but I think the baby is going to come soon can you not get drunk tonight”. He said he would be home by 11:00 – 2:00am rolls around. I had decided to leave him. I did not want my son in that environment.. welll guess what I went into labour by 4:00am! He drove me tot he hospital drunk. I ended up delivering 9 days early because my son had pooped inside of me due to stress. The next day I sat down with him and I said look ” I love you but I was going to leave you the other night. Our son needs me more than you do and if I have to choose I will choose to take care of him”. We had a serious discussion about how his drinking was affecting us and our child. Needless to say our son is now 2 this september and My husband rarely goes out with friends and drinks and when he does he doesnt get drunk.
I know its a very very difficult conversation – and believe me I did not want to leave my husband, he has been my best friend since I was 16 and I want to grow old with him but I think that kids are the first priority. He needs to realize that he is a role model and that what he does affects you and your son in everyway. I really hope that things work out for you two and that a long discussion helps him realize just how important you are to him – men can be so dense. I dont think they really understand until we bluntly lay it out for them.
edit: I just wanted to ask – was this behaviour normal before? My husband barely went out and drank before he went on base so I think that helped when it came to him stopping. Is this something that your FI did before you moved there or is it strictly related to his friends. There may be hope!
Post # 8
I don’t think you’re overrating at all. It sounds to me like he needs to grow up. How old is he anyway, because he’s acting like a 19 year old frat boy…. I know, I dated a few before I met FI lol.
Post # 9
Ok so to answer the questions. No he is not the birth father but the only father my son has ever known. He is adopting him on our wedding day as he has been around for most of his life.
No this behavior was not the norm before we moved back. He would go out once a month or everyother month with just the boys otherwise it would be us as a family meeting up for dinner and a drink with both of our friends. He has never drank like this on a Monday.
I know that my son is old enough to see what he is doing. Last night he was in tears over him. He has a loose tooth and the drunk fin kept trying to pull it. He was I guess to drunk to realize he was hurting him. So my son then was clinging to me and he still kept at him. He wouldn’t leave him alone even though he was crying and saying no…this was around 11:30 when no kid should be up.
Needless to say I already sent him a message this morning after he emailed me saying I will not have my son or any future kids seeing you like you where last night.
Post # 10
Oh and to clarify I have no issue with going out drinking. I just think you need to have responsiblities also and it is stupid to get that drunk when you have work the next day and your family is leaving the following day.
Oh and he is a grown up frat boy….I mean an old frat boy. He was a frat boy in college but is now going to be 30 in a few months.
Post # 11
You are not over-reacting. That is totally unacceptable and immature behaviour. About the only good thing I can say about it is that he realized he wasn’t in any shape to drive. I’m glad you made him go to work hungover … serves him right!
If he’s really “sorry” and he really loves you, he will stop doing sh*t like this. I have absolutely zero tolerance for “needing” to go get wasted. I know what it’s like to live with a problem drinker and I would never, ever, in a million years, go there again.
Post # 12
Yeah you are NOT overreacting, but I think you need to stand up a little bit more to him about this. Your actions are obviously not enough in this situation, because it doesnt seem to be helping things. You need to set some serious boundaries. Who the hell cares if he needs “boy time?” He is almost 30 and needs to act like a grown man, especially if you made the move across country to be with him. Also, if I had a child around, I can guarantee that my husband/fiance/SO would not be near him while intoxicated. I have seen the damage that can do to a child, and it is not okay. You guys really need to have a serious talk about this situation, because there is a big potential for it to get worse.
Post # 13
Wow. I think you really need to sit him down and let him know this is not acceptable behavior. I would tell him how you feel and how stupid he looks and acts when he is drunk. Maybe moving to his hometown was a bad idea. Maybe he just needs to get past the adjustment phase, idk. What does need to happen is him to stop acting like a 21 year old. I am sorry you he is acting like this. Hopefully he will see how he is affecting your family sooner than later.
Post # 14
Well it appears that progress has been made. He just sent me an email saying that he needs to look into getting professional help. The last thing he wants to do is hurt me or our son. We will talk more when he gets home tonight.