Post # 1
Day before thanksgiving I posted about how the BF and I were discussing moving in…Me being a single mom of 2 girls this is huge…he knows I don’t want this unless it is a forever thing because of my girls.
My parents are actually not surprised and happy…his mother..(Who I love and they are very close to my girls as well) does not like this.
He was on the phone with his mother last night and she wishes we were married first, giving him the third degree what parish are we going too etc. (Irish Catholic families his and mine)
He shares this with me and well, I kind of agree..I at least want a ring w/ a date but it got me thinking am I entering this dangerous zone of getting comfortable and nothing happening?
On a positive note…
I did notice a Tiffany’s catalog at his house opened. lol…
Post # 3
You know him better than anyone else and if you think moving in will just make him comfortable then dont do it.
Post # 4
I got pregnant and then we got engaged. We moved into an apartment together, and two years after that, we bought our house together. However, he is the father of our daughter, and we were engaged, so it made sense for us to live together and raise her. We had two more kids before getting married.
If I had children and wasn’t with their father, I don’t think I’d move in with my boyfriend/FI until we were married. Especially since an engagement ring isn’t even a guarantee of a marriage. But that’s me. Only you know what is right for you and your children.
Post # 5
Yeah, it’s ultimately a personal decision. You’ve got two other people to consider however: your daughters. A lot of Bees move in with their boyfriends and come to find their boyfriends have gotten “comfortable” and end up waiting a lot longer than they should to get engaged. Others don’t end up waiting any longer than they otherwise would. It’s really hard to tell. I suggest sitting down and having a conversation with him about timelines and such.
Post # 6
Thank you ladies… Here is a link to an earlier post I made. http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/the-waiting-game-and-my-storyventepic-saga
He is a tough cookie not one to discuss emotions be romantic etc, after 2 1/2 years of this and knowing him a total of 13 years..
On Friday we were at UNO’s and he told me he “Broke” the news to his father
I laughed and said Broke huh you are always making it sound like its a convenience factor. (But I was laughing w/ obvious truth behind)
His feelings were hurt and he said please stop asking if it is out of convenience I wouldn’t do that to us I just can’t say what it really is right now.
Post # 7
This is a toughy since you have your children involved. Since he has a hard time with feelings and he basically needs you to move into that apt it’s hard to judge if this is the right thing. I know I regret moving in with my SO but at the time it was convenient for me. Then I went and bought a house by myself because he did not want to go in on it with me and now he is totally in the comfort zone. So I totally understand your worry. I guess if you feel like it will be close then it might be ok. It just seems like a bad situation for his family. You should really discuss it more like if it is not a convinence then what is it? Maybe writting a letter would be better. Sometimes that works better for people who don’t like being put on the spot. That is how my SO is. He doesn’t respond to presure very well. Anyway, good luck with what ever you decide.
Post # 8
I just read your “epic saga.” 🙂 I dunno hun, an objective reading of the facts indicates your guy isn’t exactly chomping at the bit to move in or get engaged. You say you’ve been together 2 and a half years, but you only left your ex husband two years ago (?) so I’m not certain on the math. And he only mentioned moving in after he got denied for a place of his own? Also not a good sign.
If you’re really chomping at the bit for an engagement ring soon, I’m not sure moving in would be a very smart next step. 🙁
Post # 9
@LadyNwaitin: I wouldn’t move in unless you have a firm agreement on the future and WHEN it will happen.
If he’s not ready to give you a definite timeline, don’t count on it happening once you move in.
Post # 10
I agree with PPs who say that this is probably not a good idea. Kids pick up on all sorts of things, and if their living situation involves a lot of tension over whether the two adults will get married that’s not going to be good for them.
I say hold out for the ring… and an actual wedding date, before moving in together.
Post # 11
I would not move in unless you had a ring and a date. You have two other people to worry about. You don’t want to put your daughters through that if he isn’t sure. I would stick to my guns and tell him you are not moving in until your relationship is a little more stable.
Post # 12
I love that I’ve gotten great blunt advice and opinions. 🙂
@lezlers I keep rounding up and down, I separated from my Ex late 2006 filed early 2007 moved back to RI late 2007 and reconnected w/ SO after years away in Spring 2008. Since 2008 we’ve been together minus 3 weeks in 2009 when I thought it was over. He was that eager happy BF chipping in and helping and ultimately getting overwhelmed. Once we got back together things between him and I changed for the better, he wasn’t around as much allowing us each space.
In April 2010 we went on our second week long vaca back down to FL and since then he has brought up Marriage and he does it to see my reaction. He has been engaged before when he was 23 and she cheated on him and broke it off in a disrespectful manner so for him to want to get to this step shows a serious commitment and he nor I are about to put the girls in a position to make things uncomfortable.
He knows my stance is to get married. My only question is if we move in now am I waiting 3 more years for that ring or if I hold off moving in am I waiting months to a year.
The way he is as a communicator I do know he isn’t going to impulsively do this unless he has thought long and hard. Even though he was denied moving into another complex. His way of saying was after he was denied he was thinking, he doesn’t want to move now just for one year when in a year we’d move again. Him knowing I wanted to be engaged to move in hints at me that he would be proposing within a year.
I’m an analyst by nature and will pick every part of this apart even though I know him and I will work, having that divorce behind me was a chance to enlighten what I actually want in a relationship and what I want for myself. =) I hope some of this makes sense..
Post # 13
@LadyNwaitin: oh, ok. Looks like I misread the dates on your other thread, sorry about that. It seems as though you’re going to do what you’re going to do regardless of what advice anyone gives you so I wish you all the best. I truly hope it works out for you.
Post # 14
In a way yes, but it doesn’t mean the opinions and advise isn’t taken to heart. We are meeting tonight w/ owners of a house then sitting at dinner afterwards and I will be asking for a concrete timeline of his intent. If I am to hear there are no plans in the works then I will be seriously reconsidering my actions. Last thing I want is a house with him and my two girls with an unknown future. Do I feel we will get married? Yes, in what timeline? I don’t know yet. That is the uncertainty I want a more certain or at least what I’m seeking in my heart. I know he’s not going anywhere nor am I from this relationship just what steps occur next need to be more detailed to make me feel more comfortable.
Post # 15
@LadyNwaitin: I think the problem lots of ladies run into with the “I’ll move in if there’s a timeline” is that once you’re sharing a lease and living space, there’s really no incentive for even the best-intentioned guy to stick to it unless you’re willing to move out, which would be difficult financially and emotionally for you and your children.
He may really and truly mean it when he says “there will be a ring by summer/next year/Christmas” but, as plenty of women in the waiting boards can attest, those firm deadlines get a lot fuzzier once you’ve unpacked all your stuff.
Post # 16
I think if you move in together with a solid timeline and all expectations known *and* agreed upon, that’d be fine. When I moved in with my now husband, it was with the understanding that it was forever. He proposed 5 months later and we were married a year after that. Not everyone who moves in with their SO gets put in the purgatory waiting room!