Post # 1
It’s less than 4 weeks until the wedding anf my Maid/Matron of Honor who has been less than helpful won’t shut up about how nervous she is, and how she hates how her dress looks on her and her arms are fat and her hair looks bad. I finally had to tell her "I don’t need to hear this! I do care about you feelings, but tell someone else. I have enough to worry about on my own."
Now I feel bad. But my mom agreed with me she shouldn’t be adding to my stress.
Post # 3
Well, I certainly think you could have been nicer. I mean, she’s close enough to you to be your Maid/Matron of Honor. I’m sorry that you are having to deal with some extra stress, but some people are just insecure about their looks and being in front of a bunch of people doesn’t help.
Post # 4
I can see both sides of this coin. Understand your frustration especially if she has not been helpful (so she has not been alleviating your stress thus far and is now adding to it).
On the other hand, I remember being REALLY nervous about all those things too, before the one wedding in which I was a bridesmaid.
If I were her, a call or note of apology from you, with an assurance that your wedding will be more beautiful because she’s in it, would go a long way.
Post # 5
I think your Maid/Matron of Honor just needs a little reassurance that everything is going to be fine. Maybe she’s self-conscious and not used to being seen in a formal dress. The bridesmaid dress maybe too revealing for her, but still she’s going to do it because you are her close friend and it’s your wedding.
Post # 6
I agree with Lorienne. By asking her to be Maid/Matron of Honor, that puts her in a position to be a bit self conscious (walking down the aisle, being announced, making a speech, dancing with some random groomsmen). She just might be nervous about all of this stuff.
You’re both stressed out, and are probably having a hard time grabbing hold of some old fashioned empathy. Most of us aren’t Mother Theresa when were under stress. Understandably you’re the bride, and probably feel a bit like, her hair etc. cannot possibly hit your radar right now. But settle her nerves a bit and offer an apology for being short.
If you can think of some way to settle her nerves, that would be great. Let her skip out of the toast. Ask her if she wants to get her hair done with you. Allow her to wear a wrap to cover her arms. Whatever you’re comfortable with.
Post # 7
Tanya, I have done ALL those things (except letting her skip the toast). They are all getting their hair professionally done. I told her to buy a wrap if she is worried about her arms. I have said what seems like a million times, you’ll be fine, you’re probably just excited thats why you feel nervous. I have had it! I literally got an email that JUST said she was so nervous and blah blah.
And I didn;t say it exactly like that but prety much did tell her I have heard enoguh, please talk to someone else about your nerves I have enough on my mind. Like my mom said, "what is she so nervous about, everyone will be looking at you!" Plus she knows all my family and friends.
Post # 8
I’m also ambivalent, but assuming you said it more tactfully than that (and it sounds like you did), I totally see where you’re coming from. In the last few months I’ve dealt with:
1. my sister (matron of honor and very pregnant) go on and on about how every dress I chose would make her look like a tent and would I consider having all my BM’s getting custom made dresses b/c that’s what she wanted? (It was really important to me that the dresses be reasonably priced).
2. my BFF (maid of honor) complain on and on about how much she hates Bridesmaid or Best Man dresses and how she was going to force me to get the other Bridal Party members to buy the monstrosity of a dress she wore in a different wedding and has complained about for the last two years but at least it would mean that she doesn’t have to buy another one.
3. my Future Mother-In-Law go on and on about how nothing fits her and she needs stuff custom made (in all fairness, her issues are pretty reasonable but it’s just the last straw)
…and while I do want everyone to be happy and comfortable there’s a limit to my patience…and I’m starting to lose the ability to listen quietly and supportively to how difficult it is for people who I care about to stand next to me on the most important day of my life up until now. So I do completely see where you are coming from. Sometimes you need the people close to you to step outside of their issues to recognize that maybe in that moment yours might be even bigger. If you figure out a better way to handle this, please let me know. In the meantime, I’m not really sure that it’s mean what you did. I think it would be great if you could find a way to assuage your MOH’s nerves, but I do think you need to take care of yourself first.
Post # 9
A few of my bridesmaids have been dropping the "omg i have to lose weight! omg i gotta go tanning! omg i’m so nervous"and i can see where, if it’s a constant thing, it makes you wanna roll your eyes. It really isn’t a big deal to me, but i just call them on it. I’m not nervous yet, though, which could be my issue. And some of them haven’t been in a wedding before, and that is a LOT of people to be standing in front of! Our dresses wash them out (pale skin+champagne pink? yeaaah) so they’re all tanning fervently. I told them if they dont’ get the color they want there’s a spray tan place down the street that does new customers for $12 and they can go Wedn and be fine by Sat. And as for the few of them going ‘Omg i gotta lose weight!’, well, I just offer to let them come to the gym with me . No takers!
Maybe she’s using it as a bonding tool for you guys to bond over your nervousness, lol
Post # 10
I’m going to come at this from a different angle, but along the lines of what ejs said – maybe she is trying to find a way to talk to you about your wedding and the experience and this is the best way she knows how. I think, as women, we all know how easy it is to start a conversation with things like "oh my gosh, I could eat this whole tray of cookies but my buttons would pop!" (then everyone talks about how they need to lose weight, love snacks, etc.) Maybe she is feeling a little awkward and wants to talk about your big day and focus on how you’re feeling, but she just doesn’t know how to get to a place where you are doing the talking and she’s helping.
I would call her (if you haven’t already) and apologize, saying you are just a little stressed out and didn’t mean to make her feel bad. Then, invite her over for wine and helping with programs/invitations/favors/whatever. Tell her what you’ve been working on recently and how it’s going. Ask for her opinion or find other ways to make her feel involved. My guess is she is trying to find a way to spend time with you during this process and be a part of it while being supportive of you. Does that make sense? I hope so…and I hope this helps!
Post # 11
Is she close to any other Bms? Cna you call up one of the other BMs and ask her to "check in" with your MOH? There’s less than a month left. Maybe she can shoulder your MOH’s nerves until the wedding.