Post # 1
Okay – so I’ve been a relationship for a bit over 1 year. I am no spring chicken. Been this route before. We do everything together… At 12:30 p.m. today he told me that he had to go to a wake. Normally, we attend these things together. I told him okay – I would like to go with you. He said okay baby…So, later he calls me after he got off work and told me he wasn’t sure he was going because…he didn’t have anything to wear. He told me he was going home, and rest for awhile and call me later. At around 8:00 p.m. I called – he said hey baby – i’m heading out the door – I’m only going for few minutes just to show my face… and I will stop by your house after. I said okay. Needless to say I was very hurt but chose not to say anything to him at the moment. Later on he came over close to 10:00 p.m. I decided I needed to be up front with him and tell him he had hurt my feelings. That I really wanted to know why he didn’t want me to go with him tonight. He got a bit defensive and said that he always goes everywhere with me and that he didn’t do anything wrong. That he cannot feel like he is obligated to take me everywhere. That there are times that we will need to do somethings apart. I guess the answer was that he needed some space… It really took me off guard and it hurt my feelings. My question is – am I wrong for being hurt? I cannot deny my feelings and it bothered me and a red flag came up that he got annoyed that my feelings were hurt? Who is the victim here?
Post # 3
You are not wrong.
Being defensive usually means they are feeling guilty. Who was the wake for?
You dont have to be together for everything, but as a couple you should be together for everything important and that includes, wakes, family events such as weddings and graduations (as invited). He can go with his friends, a random stop by of his parents, a trip to the golf course, at the gym, a walk, a CSI marathon etc. Its not about space, its about the the event he chose to not bring you.
If he wants space have him tell you why and when. Tell him its OK to go out with buddies, but its not OK at events like this because it shows friends and families that you are not a priority and it demonstrates to you that you are not a priority. And you need to be his top priority.
Post # 4
@lefeymw: Thanks for replying. The wake was for a friend of his step father’s. I am extremely hurt. It really bothers me that he didn’t say was sorry for hurting my feelings.
Post # 6
I would feel the same way. I would bring it up again and say why you are hurt, not just that you are. Help him see the larger picture. If he still cant see it, well I don’t know. I don’t know your relationship, but I would question how important you are in his life honestly.
Post # 7
@lefeymw: I’m going to bring it up again when I feel better. When he got defensive – I told him that I needed to be able to express my feelings to him. We are in a serious relationship. He wants to marry me. He is the one that brings marriage and being together all the time. I get invited to all of the family functions. We haven’t been in a fight – nor angry – nor has he been pulling away. This really took me by surprise tonight. He really didn’t think he did anything wrong…He made me feel like I was overreacting when all I did was express my feelings in a constructive way. He said that I need to trust him and that from time to time we have to do things alone. That doesn’t mean anything is wrong or that he did anything wrong. I did not cry or be clingy when I spoke with him. I kept my composure. After a few tense and silent minutes – we had some small talk – He kissed me and hugged me and everything was okay with him. Bottom line is he doesn’t understand why it bothered me. My motto is “do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” His response was since he had to work the next morning early – the wake was closer to his house and he would have had to pick me up and that would make it late and then drop me off again. For whatever reason, he wanted to go alone to this one… I am not going to beat a dead horse over the head – but it definately brought out the red flag… I am a strong person – but when I fall in love – I give it my “all.” Maybe I give too much and it’s time I think more about me… Thanks again for your advice – you are right on the money… Have a good night and sorry for the rant…
Post # 8
In my opinion, it wasn’t a big deal because he was just going to show his face and leave. You two do everything together and at some point, you need to do seperate things! It’s sounds backwards but when you are off doing your own thing by yourself or with just YOUR friends, your man will miss you and it draws him closer. If you are up each other’s butts all the time, it gets annoying. I learned from experience in my present relationship. Trust me! I used to get so upset and think the worst when my man would go off with his friends and not invite me. Then I realized it would push him further when I started complaining about it. When I go off for the weekend by myself, or out for the day with my friends, he is happy when I come home and hardly leaves my side. That’s what you want right? Always focus on YOU first and it makes for a better half of a couple:) In my opinion….
Post # 9
I’m with luvmuffin. I think you are blowing it out of proportion. He had a decent reason for not wanting you to join him (it’d be a hassle to get you). I also give people passes at things involving deaths – e.g. I try to do what *they* want/need, not what I want. I don’t push them, I let them tell me what’s best, whether that’s spending time together quietly or distracting them, or leaving them to their own devices and checking in every so often.
I’m really not sure why you’re so upset at this one event that it raises a red flag. To me the always doing things together is a red flag.I do a lot of things together with my SO but we still do our own thing at times too. It’s important keep in touch with your old friends (no matter what they say, they appreciate some time with just you occasionally) and to some activities just you. Don’t become so subsumed into the couple. It makes you more interesting if you have your own activities going on as well.