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I would have a serious discussion with him about it. I know you don't want to make a big deal over it, but to be honest, he can play this magic game anytime. You should be his first priority, and if this is something you want him to be involved with, he should be. I would tell him straight-forward, this is important to me, and I think that it should be important to you for that reason alone. I wouldn't let it slide and you be upset because then you'll just focus on it until you can't keep it in one day and let it all out. Better to address it now and let him know how you feel.
ditto. youre not over reacting in the least. id tell him to skip it if he knows whats good for him. You shouldnt be sad wedding planning and you need to tell him this.
definitely make him come. why don't you ever see him anymore? what does he do during the day now that he has been laid off?
I don't think you're overreacting at all. I think this is way more important than an online game...marriage should come first. Always. Especially since he's the one who wanted a wedding!
i would definitley talk to him about it, you should be on the same page with wedding planning. my fi and i actually just talked about this because we were at the rental place and there was another girl there with her friend, planning her wedding. it made me so sad to see her there without her fi, and i told my fi that i would never be able to do that because he's critical in the decision making!
I would make him come! The whole wedding was his thing so he really shouldn't be just leaving you with the planning because he doesn't want to do it!
Oh boy, I was thinking at first his PTQ thing was something for work. What a turn. I don't think you are overreacting. He shouldn't be ableto cop out for a video game, especially since this is for the wedding HE wanted.
I think it's also good to get him away from the computer, because as you said, he's been laid off. I don't think a game on the computer is bad. But for him to want to play this PTQ so badly that he thinks it should come before these appointments I think is a little red flag. I could totally misunderstand this. But thought I'd just say it, in case you've noticed that he's not spending enough time looking for work. It can be easy to feel depressed and get hooked in mindless stuff. Sorry to get off topic.
You are not over-reacting - sometimes we need to tell them what we need and in this case you need him to be there!
So tell him you really want him to be there and you have been looking forward to this for a long time and he knows that. He will do the right thing and I don't think it has to spoil the day as he was the one who wanted to bow out of plans he has already made.
Definately make him go! He has to show effort and be involved or it will become a bad habit
I'm sorry this happened, and I don't think you're overreacting. During our wedding planning I had the same approach - do the reserach myself, narrow down to a few options, present to him for decision. I wouldn't change that model, but looking back some of frustration I experienced along the way was due to the fact that he didn't realize the amount of research and work I did "behind the scenes". So when he did things similar to what your FI is doing, he wouldn't think it was a big deal, and would be surprised when I got upset.
I don't think you would be out of line to tell him this is really important to you, you've put a lot of time and effort into it, and you want him to come. I would also tell him that you are doing a lot of things to make the planning process easier for him, and you would appreciate the same kindness in return when you ask him to do something wedding-related for you.
Yeah, The PTQ is a little more then a video game. His passion is Magic: The Gathering. The PTQ is short for "pro tour qualifer" so it is a big deal, but not to me.
Here is part of our conversation this morning:
TP: oh bleh. It's pretty important, food, and everything
ugh
if you don't care then just skip it
Mr: well, I certainly trust your judgment, and while I do want to be involved in wedding decisions, I liked their menu, and I certainly trust your decision on this. I don’t want to upset you though
Mr: and I know I committed to doing it, and I’m certainly prepared to honor that, but id like to back out if it won’t anger the gods too much ;)
TP: I'm fighting my "I want you to come" and trying to figure out if you really need to come.. It will be looking at hotels for the guys, so there is that. and I really wanted you to see Hotel Monaco with me, so there is that. Sigh, and rehearsal dinner is technically the "grooms responsibility" argh
I don’t know
Mr: Ok look, I’m going to make this call. I’m going to stay here. I think you and I can do a little "reconnaissance" of our own this weekend there, what do you think? ;);)
TP: what does that mean?
Mr: it means I want to take you there for dinner this weekend :D
TP: we can't afford dinner there, not right now.
Mr: well, we can scope it at least
TP: huh
Mr: basically what I’m trying to say is I’m down for checking it out if you wanted to on our own, maybe another time. But I’m ok going with your judgment on this
TP: yeah I mean this is a very important part of the wedding
it's just as Important as the reception, and technically this is all suppose to be you
You're suppose to be in charge and what not
Mr: ok I don’t want to argue hon
TP: Yeah, I’m annoyed
Mr: I didn’t want to annoy you :(
TP: I know
I'm just torn b/c I know what you want to do
so I'm fighting my "just please him" and knowing I’ll be upset and the "let's put this all out on the table"
Mr: ok
TP: I don't know
you probably could "not" go to this, but I think I'm going to be annoyed about that
I feel this is very important to have all of our feedback but now I know you're not going to be very congenial knowing you’re missing a PTQ So it's "do I want to be annoyed" or do I "potentially want to be annoyed b/c you're going to be annoyed" or I'm "worried about you" thoughts that will be going off in my head
And I planned this around your schedule, I would like you to meet Whitney since I've worked with her in the past and I wanted to talk with my Mom some more about your recent job offers.
Mr: ok I understand
TP: so I don't know
but it's clear from your "I'll take the head of this" and staying home that you clearly don't want to go now
so whatever
Mr: frankly, I don’t feel that I will bring any unique perspective to the table on this, and I don’t think it’s really "needed" that I be there. I feel comfortable agreeing with your decisions, and like I pointed out earlier, I have been super supportive in going to all of the wedding plans we had made, this is the first I’m bailing on.
TP: I can't ever win these things
so I don't even know why you bother asking.. b/c it's clear what you want to do otherwise you wouldn't bring it up, so you ask to make me the bad guy. Either I'm going to be the bitch that demands you come or I can be cranky with myself b/c I really wanted you to come (which you knew) and I even told you how excited I am and all this
Mr: this wasn’t meant to be a "win lose" thing
TP: who are you kidding?
it's clear you would rather sit there and play on a PTQ which you're probably not even prepared for, then come and that was clear as soon as you asked
so now I'm either the bad guy or good guy for you, but upset for me
Mr: sweetie, I didn’t want this argument. if you had said flat out "yes id really need/want you to come, please come" then I come, no problem.
I’m just trying to feel it out and see what wiggle room there is
TP: it's not that easy
Mr: why not? why can’t it be?
TP: b/c I feel like you knew how excited I was about this (sitting on the couch I said 3 times how I can't wait for Thursday)
but you still decided to bring this up and put the ball in my court
Mr: sigh. I’m sorry I put you in an awkward position that was not my intent
TP: what am I suppose to do here
Mr: I’m sorry hon. I didn’t mean to make this such a mess :(
I don't see him much, b/c he is on the "stays up late and sleeps in" schedule since he is laid off and I am on the "getting up early and going to bed reasonable time" schedule since I'm working still.
@TPHoliday - that just sucks. I've had similar convos with my FH, but if something's really important I just say "hey - if you want this wedding, you'll be there. Otherwise, we'll do it my way and just go to the courthouse and save a ton of money." That usually gets him moving 
And, I'm going to take this a step further and stick my nose where it definitely doesn't belong. Since he is laid off, why should you have to carry all the load as far as wedding planning goes? I'm guessing he has some spare time between looking for a new job and PTQ to do some research for the event. That way, you could relax a bit and find time to hang out together. Just my 2 cents from 1000 miles away.
@Goldi: Yeah I pushed the wedding favors, the flower girl dress and setting up automatic bill pay on him. As well as the DJ. Oh and he is doing the cleaning around the house (somewhat) :)
Now he's just acting all goofy online to make me smile.
Well on the positive side, I think you guys are very good at communiting. In your run down of the conversation, you were very honest with him and very good at expressing your feelings. He was also good at listening to you and seemed sincere.
I don't think that there is a right or wrong answer to this situation. If you make him go, he might pout the entire time. If you don't make him go, you might pout the entire time.
This is a tough one! :(
he has all day to play video games or whatever, tell him to get his buns to the hotel! Games will be there when he gets back. :)
:(
It's important for him to be there - he may not 'bring a unique perspective' but him coming means you don't have to make that decision alone. Or go through all the stress that is wedding planning alone.
Next time he brings something like this up, I would be more direct if I were you.
"How important is it that I come today? I have made sure not to bail out on wedding things in the past, but I just realized there is an online PTQ today at 1pm. I can skip it, but I'd like to do it."
Would get the response, "It's very important. We're making all the major decisions today, so you really need to be there to help make them. I'm sorry that the appointment is during your PTQ, next time if you let me know when you'll have other stuff going on, I can try to work our appointments around your schedule, but it's too late to change this appointment now."
Anyway, that's how I would've responded. He has a responsibility to you and the wedding, and he needs to remember that. Flaking on you is not okay.
I originally thought it was a work meeting so I was like okay, that sucks but I understand. But alas, its not! I think he should go because if this is important to him he should help you.
Yeah I am having him come.
It's not a video game. There are usually only 4 he can get to, in a season. It was a last minute thing (wasn't organized when I set up the appt.) and if he makes the pro tour, he starts making like a lot of $$$. He was on it once before (long time ago) and he is good, like REALLY good.
I don't understand it, but I accept it. It's not something that can be paused, but he is coming.
I feel bad now.
I think you have a right to be mad. You should remind him that HE wanted the huge wedding while YOU wanted the courthouse. If you're going to be doing things alone, you should be able to do things how you want.
I'm confused. This does not seem fair to you. You are waking going to work at 5 am so you can avail yourself of all these appointments- and he's laid off and his priority is not helping you with wedding stuff, but playing video games? Since he has all this free time on his hands, sorry, but he should be ALL about helping you.
His only response when you asked him should have been: "Sounds good. Tell me what time we need to be there."
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Background: I've been trying to keep the wedding from overwhelming me and my fiance, so I go do the grunt work and then come to him with the final options. This is working successfully b/c I am bringing him things I know I like and either one he picks is good for me.
So, today at 2:30p we have an appt to tour some Hotels in our area and try out some food for the places we are thinking of doing the Rehearsal dinner. I've been going in to work at like 5am for the last two days, to be sure I have my work done so I have the afternoon off. My mom is coming and I've been saying for days how excited I am and I can't wait til Thursday and we are going to have so much fun.. so on and so on.
Around 7:30a Mr. Holiday messages me with this, "Ok, question #2. How important is it that I come today? I have made sure not to bail out on wedding things in the past, but I just realized there is an online PTQ today at 1pm. I can skip it, but I'd like to do it. obviously that means I wouldn't go out tonight."
First things first, I've asked him to come to a total of maybe 10 things to do with this wedding and 3 of them have been mandatory (for the wedding HE WANTS, I wanted courthouse!). He has bailed on things (none of the mandatory) but really my frustration kicks in, because he knows how much I was looking forward to this and I feel that he clearly wants to do the PTQ (stupid online magic game) otherwise he wouldn't ask. Also, I don't care about tonight, since he has been laid off, I hardly see him, so him not going out tonight..pfft whatever, I'll probably be in bed by 10p again.
I'm annoyed, either I can be the bitch and say yes I want you to come. Or I can say sure hun, have a good time, and be sad.
We got into a thing about this and now I just feel the whole day is tainted and no matter what; it's not going to the new and exciting thing it was when I got up this morning.
What would you do? Am I overreacting? Should I just suck it up and have fun with my mom? I feel like I can't "win" at this. Either I'm going to be cranky or he is.
Now he says he is going to go but I just feel weird and stressed about it...ARGH