Post # 1
I specifically joined this site because I need to get an honest “on the outside looking in” opinion. I have been engaged since September 1st, 2012 to the love of my life. We have been togther for 9 years. We are getting married this September : ). My best friend lives in another state. She has had some medical issues over the course of 5 years (depression, anxiety), which has back living home with her parents. She is 34. My fiance has many close friends unlike myself. To keep everything simple, we are just having my sister and his brother as our wedding party. I barely have spoken to her about the wedding and we text a few times a week. I am so excited and want to share everything with her, but I am very cautious because of her on going situation. I know her and her family are tight on money due to her medical situation, but in just making converstation with her today via text, I asked if she had any trips planned to come here to visit (she still has family here). She said no, not at the time. “Ok, I miss you guys! I hope it works out that you can make it for the wedding.” She then wrote me a text “Hun, I know you want us to come to the shower.I will not know until June, maybe closer to July. It makes me feel horrinle that I have to keep telling you that everytime you ask or mention it. As soon as I have a firm answer I will let you know. Until then, can we not discuss it?” So, after shaking my head like….ummmmm….you did NOT just respond to me like that, I responded back ” No need to feel horrible. Just trying to make conversation. There isn’t and has never been any pressure. I’m very aware of your situation. Just my way of saying I miss you and hope to see you soon.” I have honestly only mentioned the shower three times to her in a year. Once, when I found out what date we were having it on, and the other was when I told her to please feel free to make a note on her respose card IF she was able to come about her food allergies, and then today telling her I hope she could make it. I don’t know why, but this is really bothering ESPECIALLY because I have been walking on eggshells and literally not talking about it with her unless I’m asked about it. I have never hounded her to see if she was coming. This really hurt my feelings for some reason. 🙁
Post # 2
Just give her a date by which you will need to know whether she is coming or not. Then stick to it and have a backup plan in case she says no. Don’t talk about the shower until this date.
She won’t know how well she will feel until closer to the time and so wont be able to answer.
There may also be other things going on. You are marrying the love of your life and looking forward to a blissful future. She is suffering from depression, anxiety and allergies and has had to mave back in with her parents. Be kind and supportive, and dont’ be offended too quickly. She may simply be doing her very best not to be envious of your good luck. If she can’t commit after the agreed date you will just have to be gracious and look forward to seeing her at your wedding.
Post # 3
soon2bemrsjaj: I think what threw me off personally was that last line “until then, can we not discuss it?”. No I think you’re not sensitive, but that’s a huge clue out there to tell you to leave her alone.
You have done nothing wrong and I don’t think you are excessively bothering her. She is just probably going through a lot. Give her some space and let her contact you instead. But I have a feeling that she may not come to the wedding after all.
Post # 4
I think you’re overreacting. So,etimes people don’t want to talk about a particular topic for whatever reason and she just let you know. Nothing wrong with that!
Post # 5
I appreciate the input. It’s just so confusing because I’ve literally said nothing to her about any of it since I have been engaged. I’ve been more than thoughtful and gracious about what I say and when I say it. I have never made demands, and have never pressured her to give me an answer. It was a simple “I miss you, hope you can make it. ” And then it was taken to a level by her in a way it didn’t even need to be taken. Oh well, I can only control what I say and how I say it. I cannot control how other people hear it. I can’t thank you enough for the input and honesty.
Post # 6
- Wedding: June 2014 - San Francisco, CA
Yes. You’re overreacting, and not being sensitive to her medical and financial needs. Most brides I know talk about their wedding WAY more than they realize – not saying this is definitely the case with you, but it’s a serious possibility. (I call it “bridal blindness” and will probably struggle with it myself in the near future!) Also, she’s probably feeling extremely sensitive and self-conscious about her medical and physical situation, and may have been worried you were prying for information about whether she can come. She knows that you know about her situation, she knows that you have a lot planned, and she knows that you’ll want her at the shower.
Cut her some slack and stop taking HER anxieties as some kind of personal slight against yourself.
Post # 7
As someone who has had experience with anxiety and depression…don’t take it personally. She’s going through a hard time, and it’s often hard to process others’ happy times when your mind is constantly bombarding you with negative thoughts, emotions, and physical symptoms. Try to be as sensitive and understanding as possible. While I don’t think you’ve done anything wrong, it’s easy to overlook mental problems sometimes, especially at such a distance. I’m not trying to imply that you are overlooking them, btw, I’m just saying be extra aware of her situation. Everything will work out, and based on what little I know, it doesn’t seem personal, she’s just going through a difficult time.
Post # 8
I appreciate that so much. I’ve been overly conscious, and aware of her situation, and literally never say anything to her unless I’m asked. And it’s a short answer, I don’t keep going on and on…I’m not “that girl”. I just wish she could also be as sensitive to me as I am to her. But you are right. ..I can’t take it personal. Thank you again.