(Closed) Am I overreacting?

posted 8 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
705 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

It seems like you might be overreacting a bit and he’s just trying to be a good person.  At the end of the day, she’s still his mom.

Post # 4
Member
23 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I agree that you may be overreacting a bit… I know somewhere in the middle of all this, it’s easy to get caught up with creating sides and whose side your FI might be taking, but it’s unfair for him to do that, and it won’t help the whole situation at all. I know it’s easier said that done, but try to focus on some of the good qualities of your FMIL, and don’t let her self-centeredness get to you. You can’t change her, but you can change your perspective of her. 🙂  I wish you all the best!

Post # 5
Member
2004 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2008

@islandgirl84: To delete a double post, just hit “flag” and write that it should be deleted because it’s a double post. I did this for you already.

Post # 6
Member
2004 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2008

I can feel that you’re at your wits end with this and just want all the drama to go away. But situations involving family drama are never as simple as we want them to be. Much as you want to cut your FMIL out of your life entirely, it doesn’t sound like that is going to happen. You thought maybe it would but now she’s creeping back into your life….she is coming to the wedding; you are at least tolerating her presence. Now you are being asked to tolerate minimal, two-word communication between her and her son. It sounds like you are scared this is just the beginning and that it will lead to that horrible territory you’ve already been to that you thought you’d been rid of forever. I wouldn’t want to go back there either.

That said, my advice is to hold your ground but not to be unreasonable. I think your fiance is right that sending a “Congrats mom” is the better of two bad alternatives and a reasonable response in this situation. Saying nothing would feel all morally righteous but would hurt more in the long run with the fallout you’d have to deal with, particularly with the potential for her to make a scene at the wedding. Once the wedding is over, I think it will be easier for you to draw a hard line, if that is what you both want.

Post # 7
Member
572 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

I can totally see how you are angry.  Your FI set up a boundary and he broke it himself.  Yes she broke it first, which is what you have to expect with people- they WILL break it.  It’s how you respond: do you stick to what you said or not (if not, it just shows that you can’t stand up for your own boundary). 

If your FI does not, in fact, want to cut off contact with her then he needs to say that up front.  Not tell you one thing and do another.

I think in all honesty that no matter what your FI does, she will always have beef with it.  It’s damned if you do, damned if you don’t, so you need to do what is best for you.

Post # 8
Member
4415 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

I think you are overreacting a just a tad.  I can understand your point of view. But I think you should evaluate what you are really upset about… 

I understand why she is not welcome in your life. That makes sense. I also understand being upset with your FI for not honoring the agreement the two of you made.  However, she is still coming to the wedding. That sets up a lot of confusion and potential drama. Can you imagine the tension there will be at the wedding if your FI does not make nice with her before then? 

Allowing him to be civil with her for now, with the understanding between the two of you that being nice to her does not change anything, that you still do not want her in your lifes after the wedding, could possibly help give you a drama-free wedding. After the ceremony, of course, all bets are off and he should completely respect your wishes not to have her in your lives.

Post # 9
Member
23 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2010

@chelseamorning: thanks!

Post # 10
Member
326 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

I’m going to be a little different and say that I don’t think you are overreacting. Maybe the situation doesn’t seem like that big of a deal to others, but until you are IN that situation, you don’t really know.  I currently am in that situation, and it is not fun.  If you and your FI made an agreement on how to deal with this as a united front, he needs to stick to it.  If he doesn’t and he sees “making nice” with his mother as more important, that is a direct betrayal to your feelings and your relationship.  I understand his reasoning behind the email response, but he SHOULD have talked to you first and made his position clear before he responded.  Because now, his mother is going to think that he is second-guessing the decision to cut off contact with her and it makes YOU look like the bad guy/controlling FI.

I don’t really have much advice other than to try to discuss this further with your FI and let him know that if he feels it is necessary to make contact, he needs to discuss it with you first so you guys can still keep your united front. I’m sorry you are going through this 🙁 Good luck!

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