Post # 1
Most of you know the past issues with my FMIL and FSIL, saying mean and nasty things about me, my familly, my friends, sucide treats, RSVP no the wedding, basically ruined our 7 month engagement with their BS and drama. The first few months, my FI played middle man with us both, it caused a lot of issues with us because I was super hurt, he understood and saw what they were doing but he felt that if he could play the middle man then it would make everything go away, however, it just caused things to get worse. Finally we got it worked out and as things started to get really bad he started to see it for what it was and to see how they really were. He cut communication with them as so did I, and the last thing that was said to them was they will not be accepted into our life if they can’t accept me and us together. Never heard anything more from her to us. She is not welcome in my life or in our life, we both agreed on this, she will be attending the wedding now, after all this drama and hurtful things, however, I will not go out of my way for her nor will my family. She has yet to even say she is sorry for everything, which I don’t expect her to and at this point saying it won’t do anything, but at least if she tried to say it would maybe set the tone for the future. So fast foward to now. We are 1 month away from the wedding, she CC’s my FI on an email that she sent to her boss, thanking him for giving her the employee of the month award. So my FI writes back Congrats Mom.
I’m super pissed, I think he is now setting the tone to make it seem like everything is fine, and nothing ever happened. He says he did it so she can’t come back on him and say he is a terrible son, and I was like why do you care what she says, she is nuts and crazy, and she has proved thus far how she will twist and think what she wants to think. I feel like he is now taking a step back in my mind it makes me feel like he wants to get back in her good graces. I mean throughout this whole process, she has yet to say congrats to us, or even accept the fact the fact that we are getting married, my FI started a new job and she never even reached out to ask how it was or good luck to him because she is so self centered on herself and OUR life that she couldn’t put aside her craziness for 5 mins to say good luck to her own son, yet she now wants a pat on the back from him and he gives it to her. Ugh! I am just so angry!
Post # 3
It seems like you might be overreacting a bit and he’s just trying to be a good person. At the end of the day, she’s still his mom.
Post # 4
I agree that you may be overreacting a bit… I know somewhere in the middle of all this, it’s easy to get caught up with creating sides and whose side your FI might be taking, but it’s unfair for him to do that, and it won’t help the whole situation at all. I know it’s easier said that done, but try to focus on some of the good qualities of your FMIL, and don’t let her self-centeredness get to you. You can’t change her, but you can change your perspective of her. 🙂 I wish you all the best!
Post # 5
@islandgirl84: To delete a double post, just hit “flag” and write that it should be deleted because it’s a double post. I did this for you already.
Post # 6
I can feel that you’re at your wits end with this and just want all the drama to go away. But situations involving family drama are never as simple as we want them to be. Much as you want to cut your FMIL out of your life entirely, it doesn’t sound like that is going to happen. You thought maybe it would but now she’s creeping back into your life….she is coming to the wedding; you are at least tolerating her presence. Now you are being asked to tolerate minimal, two-word communication between her and her son. It sounds like you are scared this is just the beginning and that it will lead to that horrible territory you’ve already been to that you thought you’d been rid of forever. I wouldn’t want to go back there either.
That said, my advice is to hold your ground but not to be unreasonable. I think your fiance is right that sending a “Congrats mom” is the better of two bad alternatives and a reasonable response in this situation. Saying nothing would feel all morally righteous but would hurt more in the long run with the fallout you’d have to deal with, particularly with the potential for her to make a scene at the wedding. Once the wedding is over, I think it will be easier for you to draw a hard line, if that is what you both want.
Post # 7
I can totally see how you are angry. Your FI set up a boundary and he broke it himself. Yes she broke it first, which is what you have to expect with people- they WILL break it. It’s how you respond: do you stick to what you said or not (if not, it just shows that you can’t stand up for your own boundary).
If your FI does not, in fact, want to cut off contact with her then he needs to say that up front. Not tell you one thing and do another.
I think in all honesty that no matter what your FI does, she will always have beef with it. It’s damned if you do, damned if you don’t, so you need to do what is best for you.
Post # 8
I think you are overreacting a just a tad. I can understand your point of view. But I think you should evaluate what you are really upset about…
I understand why she is not welcome in your life. That makes sense. I also understand being upset with your FI for not honoring the agreement the two of you made. However, she is still coming to the wedding. That sets up a lot of confusion and potential drama. Can you imagine the tension there will be at the wedding if your FI does not make nice with her before then?
Allowing him to be civil with her for now, with the understanding between the two of you that being nice to her does not change anything, that you still do not want her in your lifes after the wedding, could possibly help give you a drama-free wedding. After the ceremony, of course, all bets are off and he should completely respect your wishes not to have her in your lives.
Post # 10
I’m going to be a little different and say that I don’t think you are overreacting. Maybe the situation doesn’t seem like that big of a deal to others, but until you are IN that situation, you don’t really know. I currently am in that situation, and it is not fun. If you and your FI made an agreement on how to deal with this as a united front, he needs to stick to it. If he doesn’t and he sees “making nice” with his mother as more important, that is a direct betrayal to your feelings and your relationship. I understand his reasoning behind the email response, but he SHOULD have talked to you first and made his position clear before he responded. Because now, his mother is going to think that he is second-guessing the decision to cut off contact with her and it makes YOU look like the bad guy/controlling FI.
I don’t really have much advice other than to try to discuss this further with your FI and let him know that if he feels it is necessary to make contact, he needs to discuss it with you first so you guys can still keep your united front. I’m sorry you are going through this 🙁 Good luck!
Post # 11
Thanks all, you all bring up good points. If this was a simple case of just an annoying FMIL , no doubt I would need to suck it up, but being that my FI and I did set boundries, I think that’s why I’m more upset. I feel that this little response from him, in a positive way is giving her too much, it’s like the saying, you give them an inch and they go for another. I just feel like it sets a bad tone and he gave her what she wanted, we did so good for the last few months and to have her start her craziness a month before the wedding is what just sets me in a tizzy. My FI and I have talked about it, and thought by responding it would do the opposit and stick it her, but I know that’s not the case at all. Ugh. The drama sucks.