Weddingbee boards

I know I'm probably just in a bad mood but I'm in the mood to ask some of my bridesmaids to step down and just go without. 

I've known all along that they didn't have a ton of funds for a wedding, so I've tried to be accomodating.  Originally I wanted to get married about 4 hours from home, but due to the travel costs (driving and hotel stay) we decided to stay in town.  (Granted, this was for all guests, not just the bridal party).  I found a very affordable dress ($110) and when I realized it was on sale for close to $50, bought it for all the girls.  I thought I was being nice, but some of them are complaining that they don't like it, even to the point of suggesting we buy new ones (they waited until after the 120 day return period was up to tell me this).  Its a very pretty dress, from a department store, and something that (I know, I know) really could be worn again. And if not, its not like they had to pay for it.  They could give it back and I'd wear it!

 I'm buying the jewelry to go with the dress, and am planning on getting real gem stones - nothing crazy fancy, but probably $75 dollars or so, for earrings and a necklace.  I showed what I was thinking of getting to one BM, and she kept complaining about how she'd never wear it, that I'm showing off that I can afford it, etc.  I just want them to look nice!  And this is very classic - pear stones, "normal" setting, not anything crazy.  I thought the point was to give them something to wear the day of that they also might like, not for me to provide something my BM is going to want to wear every day for the rest of their lives.

The next thing is shoes - I found a pair of shoes that I wanted them all to wear for $35 - I emailed it to a few of the girls - and again, complaints about how they wouldn't want to wear it again, and that it was too expensive!  I thought $35 for silver, strippy strappy low heeled sandals was good!  And again, they are fairly "classic" in style, something I swear I've seen these girls wear in black a dozen times. 

I'm feel really hurt by all the complaints.  I thought the point of accepting to be a BM was to be there for your friend, and that with that came the expectation of paying for some things - and they are not going to pay for anything.  (I'm going to find another pair of shoes that they'll hopefully agree on, and this time will just offer to pay for them to get that issue out of the way).  They've already told me they are not throwing a shower or a bachelorette party, so at this point all that is really left is showing up, and I'm honestly waiting for someone to call and ask me to move the wedding date to accomodate them (ok I know I am being harsh there, but that is how I feel).  I even started to bring up the idea of hair and make-up with the girl I am closest too and she interrupted me with "if you are going to require us to do it you better be paying for it".  I was about to say it was optional but could be added into my contract with the hairdresser, but after that outburst I just said fine, and dropped it. 

Ok, I really needed to vent.  Typing it all out it doesn't seem that bad, but I feel like I am completely being walked all over.  I'm scared these girls are going to have me miserable on my wedding day.  I honestly want to ask them all to step down and go without, but I'm sure that would cause even more drama, not to mention I can't return things, like the dresses. 

wow. i feel terrible for you. i thought the whole point of having bms was to have girls who support you through the time you're planning your wedding. this time is supposed to be happy and exciting for you but also for anyone who really loves and supports you. i now feel even more blessed that my bridesmaids are being so supportive and excited about every aspect of the wedding planning so far. you deserve that too. you should really reevaluate how you see your wedding day going and who you see standing with you through this experience.  it sounds like you've already been extremely accomodating with them and they have had no regard or support for your feelings. best of luck to you!!

Thanks!  Unfortunately the one BM who I am closest too is the one who went off on me over the hair and make-up, so I feel like I can't really talk to any of them now.  If I'd known things were going to be like this I honestly wouldn't have picked any!  At the moment I'm closer to and would prefer to have my coworkers in the wedding, or no one at all. 

My mom has been great about pointing out that I have more "material" things than some of these BM's, and thinks they are jealous, but that makes me feel worse!  They don't want to throw a shower b/c I have "everything I need", which is kind of true, but I would still love a wine party, even if it's bring your favorite bottle under $10, and for a bachelorette I'd be happy with wine, cheese and a chic flick at someones house.  Heck, I'm that person that's always bringing something with me, I'd probably supply the wine and cheese!

I'm definitely not trying to make myself sound perfect, but I certainly think I deserve better than this - not in them buying me stuff, but at least being nice and taking a "grin and bear it" attitude towards the fact that I want to give them sapphire stud earrings!  I'm starting to feel like a fool about certain things - in addition to everything I mentioned in my original post, I've made them customized goody bags (totes) full of stuff I know they'll love.  I'd seriously go return everything in them at this point but I've shopped all year and it's too late to return them! 

Thank you!

Now how do I bring this up?  I've been trying to think of a way to say "Hey I'm taking all the pressure (at least financially) of being a BM away from you, could you at least pretend to enjoy the things I want in my/our wedding".  I've never been good at telling people I'm less than pleased with them.  I'd honestly be ok if any of them wanted to back out - though I'm concerned it will cause hard feelings between now and the wedding. 

I have a feeling I probably just need to learn to deal with it.  All of the girls are going to be in my life permanently - one is engaged to a groomsman (brother), one is my fiances sister, my sisters are in the mix, another friend is very seriously dating a groomsman that is really good friends with my FI.   I'm afraid that if I bring this up, it will end up working against me rather than them suddenly becoming fabulous bridesmaids.  I think I'd rather deal with them being ungrateful than deal with them having a reason to be mad at me that justifies (in their minds) any future behavior. 

Thank you everyone!  I'm glad I'm not the crazy one, I had been starting to think I was a bad bride.

I had a conversation with one girl where I told her that if being in the wedding was a problem for anyone, whether it be financial, time constraints, etc. that I wished they would back out.  I was really going for a big hint, but unfortunately she just kept gushing about how excited she was to be in the wedding (and why not, I'm pretty much paying for her to dress up and party now).  I know I sound bitter, I'm just so frustrated over this whole situation.  I know I just need to grin and bear it, but it is still eating at me. 

I am making one small decision that makes me feel better - I'm foregoing my idea of nice real jewelry for them, am going to get costume jewelry that's more affordable.  If no one is going to appreciate nice jewelry I'm not going to waste my money.

I know I sound very woe is me.  I'm just really depressed about this and upset.