Am I overreacting or justified?

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
124 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

Overreacting.

Post # 4
Member
2166 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

The past is the past.  We all have one.  You’re opening a can of worms by looking at his emails and facebook messages.  It’s not a healthy way to have a relationship.  You can’t control feeling jealous…it’s a natural emotion.  But you are over reacting because you are the one looking for things to be jealous of.  Do you trust him?  Because that’s all that matters here.

Post # 5
Member
134 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

Wayyyyy over reacting

Post # 6
Member
7262 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2013

WAY overreacting! The past is the past.

Post # 7
Member
1734 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 1998

I’d say you don’t have reason to be jealous. I will say, though, that looking into “Purely Obsessional” OCD and “retroactive jealousy” would be well worth your time. I speak from experience: this stuff will eat through you. Oftentimes it can surface in a relationship in exactly the way you describe – one partner brings up the past a little too much, one snoops and finds dirt. The other partner, wondering why they were snooped upon, also figures the other partner has something to hide and starts digging in return. The only possible consequence is a lot of pain.

“Romantic Jealousy: Causes, Symptoms, Cures” is a book that could be your best friend. Read it.

Your entire post leaves me wanting – were you cheated on in the past? You acknowledge some of your behavior around guys – you’ve projected this behavior onto your boyfriend, assuming that because you would act one way, he will also act that way given the chance. But, I also know that even though you likely know that on a logical level, you’re just not able to absorb it.

My best advice for you is – get into counseling if you can. I know people who have spent YEARS going through this to no avail. They simmer and obsess over it for decades. I have an aunt who hasn’t been able to let go of an uncle’s trespass for 25 years – so she’s been a miserable witch throughout their marriage. The guy does backflips according to her specifications, and she still finds something to be upset about.

Everyone you meet is going to have a past – I’m going to imagine that you’re likely fairly young and fairly inexperienced based on what you’re going through. All of these women were before he even knew you existed – or at least that you were available in a romantic capacity. My husband was in love before he met me. He had sex before he met me.

And while it can be painful to acknowledge that there was life before me – the fact is, I’d find it even sadder if my husband didn’t have those experiences until meeting me. No one’s life should be dull, barren, lonely or miserable until meeting the ‘one.’ Those women, to some degree or another, gave him the skills he needed to have a successful relationship. He still needed work when we met – I can only imagine if he didn’t have any prior experience!

I also think it’s time to find distractions for yourself. A lot of folks suffering from this have a generally low opinion of themselves. Get involved with a charity, join a workout class, find a new hobby, adopt a pet, volunteer, do something. Finding something that you are passionate about, and keeping yourself busy, will help keep your mind off of things that are only going to prove self-destructive.

I wish you all the best, and feel free to message me if you have anymore questions.

Post # 8
Member
4494 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

You’re jealous of someone your FI liked before you were even in the picture.  Being jealous of people who have no bearing on your relationship now is unhealthy.  You’re just creating unnecessary drama in your relationship and making life harder for yourself and your FI.

 

Post # 9
Member
8914 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA

Dude.  You need to chillax.  Trust and respect are the cornerstones of any good relationship, and it sounds like you don’t have either for this guy.  I guarantee he will not put up with this forever and then you’ll only have yourself to blame.

You need to find a way to come to terms with whatever his past may be (which has nothing to do with you) and focus on the present.  If you don’t trust him, why?  It sounds like you have no actual valid reason not to trust him, besides that he didn’t fulfill your need to know every little detail of his past.  So you need to figure out how to move on and forget your unjustified paranoia.

Didn’t mean this to sound harsh but rather just some honest outside perspective.  Good luck!

Post # 10
Member
1040 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

I get that he probably should have told you about a pretty serious relationship in the past, but you sound incredibly jealous. You snoop on his Facebook, internet stalk his exes (that’s actually a bit disturbing), and you don’t want him to talk to any other women! It does not sound healthy at all! And if I were your FI I’d be pretty fed up of it. How can you marry someone you don’t trust. It sound like you need some counselling because if you leave this unchecked it could destroy your marriage. Have you been cheated on before, or is there anything else in your past which is making you feel this way.

 

It wasn’t cool for him to get upset about messages which presumably were sent before you guys started dating. But two wrongs don’t make a right, and it sounds like hes moved on whereas you have taken it to extremes.

Post # 12
Member
1361 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2014

You need to stop snooping- it’s not healthy and you obviously don’t trust him. I’m one of the bees who are more relaxed about this kind of thing. I think if your intuition is telling you something is up, then go ahead if you must, and neither FI or I care if we look through each others things, BUT here is the difference: you’re CLEARLY looking for ‘bad’ things. You’re not looking to find a picture, or a document, you’re reading personal emails/texts of his from BEFORE you two were even together and getting mad because.. Why? You have NO reason to be mad. Everyone has a past, and what did you expect? Did you think you were the first person he ever had strong feelings for?

You are way overreacting, and there are more serious issues at play here than whether or not you should be mad about an old email about a girl he liked.

Post # 13
Member
610 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2014 - Smithfield Center

@dogloverforever:  THE PAST IS THE PAST.

Love is a risk – relationships are a risk. You have to take the risk and put your whole trust into him without reservation or you’re going to constantly be on the prowl for new information that could lead to the discovery of him cheating. I’m not going to play dumb and say it doesn’t happen – cheating happens and it could happen to me, it could happen to you, it could happen to anyone. But you have to have trust in your partner that he isn’t going to cheat. It’ easier said than done – I was in a position like you once, though I had valid reason. Nevertheless, you have to learn to let go of your insecurities and your fears and just let yourself be happy. Until you do that neither of you will be truly happy, your relationship will continue to be strained, and unfortunately it might not work out.

Post # 14
Member
4812 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Definitely overreacting.  We are talking months before he even went out with you!

Post # 15
Member
2884 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

you need to reel that shit in before he starts feeling utterly smothered and controlled

this level of investigating your SO isn’t normal, and i think therapy might be a really good idea. Who he did or did not see before he was with you is none of your business. You have no right to be mad as to what he did as a single man (well, unless it was illegal or morally dubious, which isn’t the case)

It sounds like you have zero trust in your relationship and that is not a basis on which to build a future – you must be serious if you’re calling him FH, so i urge you to get some help before you commit to marriage. I think plenty of women have looked up an ex or two on fb, but not to the extent to which you are doing this. Some women also browse old messages but again, its not advisable and to this extent it’s very odd

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