Am I overreacting, or would you be upset too?

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
187 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014 - Villa Celeste

I don’t think you’re in the wrong, but the issue seems a little bit bigger than simply not wanting to wear the same makeup as your mother. You mentioned that people are constantly saying that you two look similar. I guess I’m just curious as to why that’s bothering you? I think that you just want to feel special on your day, and that’s completely understandable. Perhaps you could express to your mother the reasons you want to look different beyond just hoping you’d wear differen colors. I’m not sure why your mother is adamant about wanting to be identical, but it seems a bit silly if you ask me.

Regardless, on your day you will be the center of attention. And I don’t think anyone will even notice what your mother is wearing. (and I mean that in the most polite way possible). But if it’s something that is really giving you grief, I’d talk to her about it again and see if you could compromise. 

Post # 4
Member
2214 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 1987

Everyone has the right to be an individual.  Just choose what you want.  You don’t have to divulge any information.  It’s part of the surprise of the day.

Your mother is frightened of losing her youth and looks.  So she wants to look more like your sister than your mother and this makes her choose the same things so that people comment on how alike you look.  The sad thing for her is that she needs these comments to feel good about herself.

She clearly also feels threatened by your looks and so makes these nasty remarks about your appearance.  This is utterly wrong.  It naturally undermines your confidence in a big way.

She also accuses you of being selfish when she is the one being selfish.   It is your day and your fiance’s day.  Everyone else’s role is to celebrate.  Your mother’s role is to take a step back, be supportive and do as much as she can to make you happy on what is undeniably your day.

Be pleasant but firm.  She can’t force you to tell her anything.  Choose really good quality (extravagant)  makeup and get good professional advice.  

Post # 6
Member
5883 posts
Bee Keeper

If you already look very similar, there’s nothing that can be done about your physical features anyway. Makeup has nothing to do with that. 10 people can use the same shades and it will appear different on all 10 faces.

The bigger issue is your lack of self confidence and blaming your Mom for it. It’s also a stretch for anyone to believe she’s trying to re-live her youth and steal your thunder on your wedding day. Maybe she admires your taste and just really liked the makeup you picked out. It sounds more to me like that than something more sinister like jealousy.

Enjoy your wedding and let these little things go. Unless she’s some heartless person, I can’t believe she would want you upset and have a ruined wedding over some hair and makeup.

Post # 7
Member
2421 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2015

MrsBlackCat:  Is it possible she just doesn’t know what to pick?  Since you’re the same colouring and have the same features she might just pick what you do out of simplicity.  My mum never wears make up and has no idea what to choose if she has to buy some.  My sister and I almost always go with her and guide her a bit.  (We are also carbon copies.  I’m asked constantly if my sister is my twin — I’m 3 years older and I look exactly like my mother did at this age, people I don’t know will stop me to ask if I’m my mother’s daughter because we look so much alike, so really, I get where you’re coming from.) 

Are you able to get your make up done professionally?  Or something a little extra special (false eyelashes/eyelash extensions, etc.)  So that you feel like you stand out more?  

Bottom line, everyone is going to comment on how much you look alike anyways, because you look alike.  So I’d focus on making myself feel special rather than trying to look different in some small way.

Post # 9
Member
2421 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2015

MrsBlackCat:  If that’s the case, stop involving her in your ideas for your look for the day.  Tell her you haven’t decided, or you’re getting it done by a pro and you’re going to let them decide what’s best for you on the day of.  Do something to make yourself feel special on your big day.  You’re getting married, it might be time to stand up for yourself a bit with her and to do something that makes you feel beautiful and special. 

Post # 10
Member
2214 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 1987

I agree that you are going to have to politely but firmly stand up for yourself.  I would be more sympathetic to your mother if her behaviour was a one-off where she simply hadn’t thought things through or she all of a sudden had a confidence crisis but this isn’t the case.  It’s a repeated, ingrained and hurtful pattern of behaviour.  The only way of stopping it is to stand up to it, take the flak and then get lots of support from your FI.  

Tied up in all this is probably love and a fear of losing you but she really is risking too much by her behaviour.  It isn’t good for you and it isn’t good for her either.  It would be much better for her to face up to ageing and change, and then enjoy life.

My daughter is seventeen and I am fifty two.  We don’t particularly look alike but we have very similar colouring.  We are definitely not in competition.  She’s both brighter and prettier than I ever was. If and when she eventually decides to get married I will not wear the same makeup even if the colours suit me.  I want her to have first choice.  I want people to admire her and not me.  I plan on being a supporting actor in the background.  So I will wear other makeup instead.  I won’t have the same hairstyle or any similarities in dress.  This doesn’t mean I will plan on looking dowdy but I’ll make sure that my daughter will be able to shine.  And I’m counting on you ladies at Weddingbee to insist that I keep to my pledge.  🙂

I hope that you manage to sort everything out.  Good luck.

Post # 11
Member
4215 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I think I would go get a professional to do my makeup pr at least recommend colours and say nothing to to dear old mumsey about it.

Post # 12
Member
5883 posts
Bee Keeper

MrsBlackCat:  I’m a competitive woman too, but not against my own daughters. When I was younger and everyone always said I looked like my Mom, I was highly insulted,thinking they meant I looked much older than I was! As I got older, I took it as more of a compliment,especially when people said I was just like her. I wish she was still here, but she’s been gone for almost 10 years now.

I think as the bride on your wedding day, you will be the one to shine. No matter who wears what and how they may come off to other people, you will be the center of attention and the focus of everyone’s eyes that day.

Please try and let this go for both of your sake’s. Some day you’ll laugh about how silly it all was and how you almost let it tarnish your beautiful day.

Post # 13
Member
1108 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

I would’ve bought her one or two items (like foundation and eye liner) and told her that you grabbed the last eye shadow and lipstick and oh, well. 

Post # 15
Member
2214 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 1987

 

MrsBlackCat:  Stop apologizing to your mum!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Let her be mad at you.  You don’t exist to please your mum.  You are not selfish.  You are merely an individual and your individuality is allowed out to play. 

  Please go out and buy yourself some expensive and individualistic makeup.  Or talk to a professional to arrange how you would like to look.  Or make sure that you secretly have a trial hairdo so that you can decide what to do the day.  Or buy a special flower ornament to put in your hair.  Or buy a unique pair of dangly earrings.  Or put henna tattoos (non permanent) on your hands.  Or arrange to be woken by a jazz quartet on the lawn of your mother’s house. Or write a wedding poem.  Or include a leather biker’s jacket in your going-away outfit.

Just do something that you would like to do that is completely individual to you.  It’s really important.  This is about you being a grown up and all that the term involves.  You may not believe me but in the end you’ll have less trouble with your mother and she will have more respect for you.

Good luck.

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