Post # 1
Hoping you all can give me some insight as I was a little taken back this weekend while visiting FI’s family for Easter. I want to preface this by saying that I love his family and am pretty lucky that in general we all get along so well and have a great time together.
FI was not there because he was on a business trip so it was just me. We were all outside when FBIL asked if I was changing my name (I am not). Everyone was standing around me so I just kinda said I don’t think I am but am not sure yet. As soon as I said that everyone looked at me like I had just kicked a puppy. Then FSIL said I really hope you don’t hyphenate it…anyone who does that is a bitch! Then FI’s mom said…”but you have to take our name….in 6 months you are going to be a “Smith” (insert their last name).” All I could think was NO…Im not going to be Smith…Im always going to be an Anderson (my last name)
I really didnt know how to respond as keeping my name is very important to me…my father died when I was very young (which they all are aware of) and our family name is something I want to keep. Because I love them all so much it is hard for me to push back sometimes and I don’t want to offend them.
Im sure other ladies have had to deal with this and I am just wondering what you said? Thank you 🙂
Post # 3
I think you should have said to them what you just said to us!
They thought you were undecided and so they tried to persuade you to take their name. If you said that you were keeping you name because of your father and it is important to you – I think you would have been having a totally different conversation!
Post # 4
You are def not a bitch,
I really hope you don’t hyphenate it…anyone who does that is a bitch!
Is a really bizzare comment,
I can understand why they might be disapointed, but at the end of the day it is your choice.
Post # 5
Yikes! While I can understand their disappointment, I can’t understand the need for nasty comments. It’s YOUR choice, not theirs!
Post # 6
wtf? completely rude! it’s totally your choice and no one else’s. i agree that if it comes up again, say what you just said to us. tell them why you want to keep your name. that ought to shut them up.
Post # 7
@FMM: Agree. I think if you make it clear that keeping your name has nothing to do with how you feel about them personally your ILs will understand.
(Though I have to say, anyone who thinks hyphenating is bitchy is, well…)
Post # 8
If so, I’m a proud bitch! Welcome to the fold LOL
Post # 9
You’re NOT a bitch for not wanting to change your last name. Others may not agree with it, but it is your decision and it’s what you are comfortable with!
Post # 11
I say just keep avoiding the question. I’m not sure yet, I don’t know should suffice in the mean time.
Post # 12
@simpleandchic: It is a TOTALLY messed up and strange comment, but I know my family feels the same way. Who knows why!!
I’m not planning on changing my last name either and I’ve gotten much the same response as you. FI’s family hasn’t asked and probably won’t ever bring it up with me (they’re just like that), but I’ll hear about it 6 months after the wedding through his brother.
My grandmother mailed me a b-day card addressed to Mrs. Me Hislastname. I phoned her to thank her for the card and she went on and on about how exciting it was to write his last name, so I said “well actually grandma I’m going to stay a Mylastname” I figured it was no big deal since it was her husband’s name. She LOST it. Apparently, she doesn’t understand women these days. What she doesn’t realize is that culturally where I grew up women do not change their name when the marry. Whatever.
I think you’ll find you’re not alone in keeping your name. FI’s family will come around. I promise. But for the love of god don’t hyphenate *face palm* lol
Post # 13
Not a bitch – and sometimes people say ridiculous hurtful things. I’d say talk to your fiance about this soon so that he can try to straighten things out between you and his mother before things get more tense or weird – and make sure he emphasizes to his mother that he is fine with your decision about your name, so that she understands that this is your choice as a couple, and she’s going to have to learn to be ok with it (or at least to keep her mouth shut about it if she’s not ok).
I’m also keeping my own name.
Post # 14
Weird. I would be taken aback. When people say something like that, I laugh and say, “well, I don’t think that’s true, but…(insert my explanation of my feelings in here).”
If and when it comes up again tell them exactly what you told us. If your fiance and you are ok with it, then who cares? I’m keeping my name and I know it bothers my fiance a little, but I just have been (my last name) for so long and all my degrees, loans, etc etc are in my name. It’s too much of a B-I-T-C-H to change it all. Plus I like my last name. 🙂
Post # 15
Tell them you decided to keep your name and that’s the end of the discussion
Post # 16
Maybe FSIL meant that women who hyphenate their names have a bitch of the time because it is twice as long? My last name is 5 letters, his last name is 20 characters. If I hyphenated, I would be at 26 characters, FIT THAT onto a governent form. I agree though that it is your choice to do any wacky thing with your name that you want. I can understand not wanting to offend your in-laws, but you have a great reason to keep your name. Don’t be afraid to tell them that. Even if you didn’t have a great reason, it is totally fair to say “I have decided I would prefer to keep my name.”