Am I really a home wrecking whore? Was I "the other woman" ?

posted 2 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
347 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

In my opinion if you didn’t egg him on to leave his ex, and if nothing truly happened between you until they were broken up, then you didn’t do anything specifically wrong. 

I can understand why people might get upset, however I think you are being unfairly treated. If he wasn’t in love with his fiancee anymore, then why would he stay with her? It’s not the best timing when you met each other, but you can’t help that.

I would deactivate your Facebook if I were you, and concentrate on you and your relationships. Those who truly care about you should listen to your side of the story, and at the very least give you chance to explain your point of view. Whatever happens I hope you find your happiness – the world is so quick to judge everyone without knowing the full facts sometimes. Social media only makes this worse x

Post # 4
Member
716 posts
Busy bee

I don’t think you did anything wrong.  The gentleman clearly ended his engagement before you went on a date.  However, do you really need this nonsense in your life?  Lots of fish in the sea.

Post # 5
Member
2519 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

honeysuckle89:  Lock down or delete your FB. If you don’t want to delete- just change your name on it and make yourself unsearchable. These people are crazy!! There is a way where you can make your self un-messageable by non friends too. You are being harrassed and if it continues, keep a record. Also don’t post anything about his daughter on social media for a loonngg while ( just out of respect )

Have you FI work out a child custody agreement before it gets too ugly. Hopethe police file false reporting charges against her, as she likely will do it again since she sounds so unstable.

You did nothing wrong. The lady is heartbroken, upset and pretty effing crazy. I think you and your BF handled the situation as best you could. Basically breaking up sucks and her and her family are blaming the wrong person . They seem batshit insane to be that dramatic and involved. Don’t let them make you feel bad about themselves, thats what they want and you did nothing wrong.

As for your ‘dear’ friend- you are probably better off without judgemental people in your life. 

  • This reply was modified 2 years, 2 months ago by  Boxerlover24.
Post # 6
Member
7098 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

His ex sounds like a psycho. I’m sorry. I don’t really think you did anything wrong. I would just deactivate your facebook for now and keep every contact from his ex documented.

Post # 7
Member
4819 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

honeysuckle89:  Not sure I read every word because it was a difficult read (long and no paragraphs). How long have you been dating? I agree, get off FB. FB ruins lots of things.

I don’t really ever see the other woman as the home wrecker. I see the spouse who left as the home wrecker. If he truly broke it off with her, moved out and moved on, and THEN started dating you I don’t see a problem.

If you 2 are really serious, yes, this can go on forever. Exes can be very bitter no matter the circumstances. Unfortunately they can use the children as pawns. I’ve seen that in my own life. It’s so so sad for the kids to be used like that. She does sound a little wackadoodle if she falsely called the cops.

I wouldn’t try to win back the friendship. If she wants to come sniffing around later that’s okay. Why does she call you a homewrecker if you didn’t date til they broke up? Do we have the whole story? I sometimes think youngin’s have a white or black view on love. When you get older you gain some perspective on it. (I’m assuming your friend is around 25)

Post # 8
Member
441 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

I don’t see anything wrong with your behavior. You were friends and exclusively talked about friend things until he broke up with his ex, then he admitted his feelings for you, you returned them, and now you’re together. You didn’t intentionally seek him out to steal him away from his fiance.

Delete your facebook and as Westwood said, document these incidences with his ex because she could escalate or do something that warrants police intervention again. She sounds extremely unstable and immature, as does her family. 

Post # 9
Member
345 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

honeysuckle89:  I don’t see it appropriate to call you the “other woman” or a “homewrecker” in this situation at all. Jake didn’t cheat on his fiance with you, at least certainly not physically (unless you’ve left that part out-but I don’t think that’s the case), and I really don’t think he crossed big emotional boundaries. He was honest and blunt telling you about the problems of his relationship, but like you said, he didn’t talk about the really intimate details, and it almost seems like he was mostly just looking for someone to vent to. It’s a little unfortunate that he happened to choose you (a girl) to vent with, but I personally don’t think you crossed any lines.

I can’t answer all of your questions, I think your friend may be long gone if she feels so passionately about this. Frankly, I think you will be better off. You can always make new friends/rely on the ones who don’t believe you’ve done wrong.

Honestly, I would delete your facebook account. You can try to explain the situation, but I don’t think that her family and friends will ever see your side. You need to get rid of the ways that they can communicate with you in the first place. I know that sucks, but really, do you NEED a facebook profile? I think you will be fine without it.

As far as supporting Jake, he’s going to have to handle his ex on his own. The more you get into that, the worse it will be. He sort of made his bed when he broke things off with her and decided he wanted to pursue a relationship with you. That’s not a bad thing, but he does come with baggage. Just try to stay out of his relations with his ex, and begin to build a relationship with his daughter (OFFLINE, by the way), and just try to keep those other negative elements from tainting your new relationship, otherwise they will take it over.

I don’t think this will be an “ugly smear” as long as you guys don’t make it one. You will FOREVER have to deal with his ex and his daughter, because he is tied to his ex because of her. She is his baby mama. The more involved you are now, the more involved you will stay in the future. If you begin this negatively, it will never get better. While things are still heated, you stay out of it, and hopefully, once his ex has moved forward, perhaps you can build a civil relationship down the road.

I honestly can’t say how his daughter will think of you. I think she’s young enough that she does not understand what’s going on now, and if you build a solid relationship with her now, she will hopefully be understanding of your side down the road. I don’t know what her mother might say to her about it, and I do think that she will always have a bond with her mother that she will not have with you. But, if she grows to love you, she will most likely always love you.

I hope that helps. I have not been through this myself, but I think that the thing to remember through this whole thing is that you will ALWAYS have to take the high road to keep things civil in the future if you intend on staying with Jake for awhile/forever.

Post # 10
Member
6749 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

I don’t think you are a home wrecker. But I don’t think he finished all his business before he started up with you. He has a daughter with this woman and so that means he will always be tied to her, so you will have to deal with that. Plus, you really only know his side of the story. I would proceed with caution.

Post # 11
Member
2891 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

honeysuckle89: IMHO, unless there’s more to the story, based on these facts you are not a home wrecker. Jake’s ex sounds crazy pants. Throwing things at people and sending harassing, threatening messages is never ok. The false kidnapping report is also terrible. 

Jake needs to lawyer up and get a formal custody agreement in place. 

Ditch the girlfriend who isn’t being supportive. It’s complicated but calling you a homewrecker when you put boundaries in place and took steps (limited contact) to make sure your relationship isn’t a rando rebound is not appropriate. 

Ignore the harassing messages and up the privacy settings on FB. This is about power, control and your reaction. Look at Kathy Sierra’s blog for context. She got massive anxiety and basically went underground because of threats. She came back and is blogging again. 

that said, document and screen cap everything. Talk to a lawyer and the police to see what your options are to stop the harassment. 

Kids are pretty smart. She might be conflicted but she’s gotta know that mom is cray. 

Post # 12
Member
9533 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

Whoa. I’m sorry you’re going through all this. First, I don’t think you did anything wrong. For your questions:

Can I win back my friendship with my girl friend that is seeing me as a home wrecker? No clue. Depends on your friend. All you can do is explain what happened and let her know that you’re hurt by her reaction.

Do you ladies see me as a home wrecker? Did we cross lines and act inappropriately? No. To me, you guys didn’t do anything more than friendship prior to him breaking off the engagement. If they truly had a fairytale relationship, they wouldn’t have been having so many problems and you wouldn’t have been an issue.

What do I do about the non-stop harassing messages from his ex fiance’s loved ones? Should I try to explain myself and the situation? These people have no investment in you, as a person, and are highly invested in Jake’s ex. I wouldn’t try to win them over. I’d block them, as much as possible, and immediately delete/ignore anything that makes it through the block.

How can I support Jake through this? Ask him. He may want to cool things with your relationship for a bit, and that would be okay. He may just want to continue and hope people get over it. He may need to talk/rant about it. Ask him how you can support him.

Will this be an ugly smear on our relationship forever?  Maybe, but it doesn’t have to ultimately affect the relationship. I don’t think anything will turn this into a pleasant experience/memory, but every relationship has some periods that weren’t the greatest.

Do you think his daughter will ever fully like and trust me? Do you think she’ll one day grow up and look at me as the woman who tore her parents apart? This is really hard. Honestly, it’s probably better that she sounds like she’s young, people typically adjust to divorce better when they’re young. My parents split when I was 2 and I’ve never harbored any resentment toward my dad’s relationships. I was too little to remember them when I was young and those didn’t stick. He currently is married to a wonderful woman who I’m happy to call my step-mother. I love her to death! There is no simple answer to this question and you’re just going to have to figure it out as you go. This will also depend on legal arrangements that are made for custody of the daughter.

This sounds like a giant shit storm and I’m sorry you’re caught up in it all. Separating and breaking off an engagement is always difficult and I’m not surprised tha the ex is lashing out. I think Jake is responding brilliantly with that blurb you posted. But it’s going to take time for her to quit lashing out and it may always be a strained relationship with her. That’s unfortunate, but people survive. I’m sorry I don’t have any more helpful advice. And I’m really sorry your friend is taking this so personally. Good luck.

Post # 13
Member
2204 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

Another vote for you did nothing wrong.

Keep copies of all these messages. If it continues, you might want to file a police report.

Post # 14
Member
2885 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

I think Jake’s relationship was going to end or Jake was going to be unhappy no mater what way you slice it.  The fact that you two were talking probably gave Jake the courage to leave his relationship.  If what you did was “cheating” I would be cheating with every guy friend I have. 

As far as how to win your friend back, I wouldn’t worry about that.  She is either going to eventually sit down and think about it and feel bad, or she isn’t.  Nothing you do will change it. 

Don’t explain your self to Jake’s ex’s family.  They are harassing you.  The most I would do is answer every message with “This is harrassment, and if it doesn’t stop, I will call the police on you as well.”  And then follow through.  I would also encourage Jake to get a child custody agreement with his ex, and I would keep those harrasing messages for whatever custody battle you might need to help him with. 

At some point, you will become just another couple.  The Ex will be in your life, but hopefully she will eventually move on.  You are not the first couple to get together after one or the other partner was broken up.  My ex called me every evil thing under the sun when I started dating my now DH 2 weeks after we stopped dating.  5 years later, it doesn’t come up.   Time kind of heals that stuff. 

Post # 15
Member
2657 posts
Sugar bee

It sounds like he came to the decision independently that his relationship was not going to work out.  That’s not homewrecking IMO.  The timing of you and him getting together could have been better perhaps, but it sounds like even without you in the picture he would have ended the relationship with his ex.

Lock down all of your privacy settings on FB if you haven’t already, or delete it as PP’s have mentioned.  Screencap all of the abusive messages, texts, etc. from her and her friends.  This is all stuff you can use in future custody cases or police reports.  

Sorry that you lost a friend because of this.  People can think what they want to think, and it’s probably not worth the energy to win her back.  If she isn’t at least willing to hear out your side of the story, she’s probably not a friend worth having anyway.

Also, his daughter is 2.  She can’t really process what is going on right now, and that’s probably a good thing.  If you stay with him, she’s going to be a big part of your life.  Focus on being a good mentor for her and be a positive influence.  Don’t antagonize her mom and bring in a lot of negativity.  Do positive things for her and focus on creating a happy relationship with you, your SO, and her.

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