Am I really going to have to be that guest? Feeling terrible.

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
  • poll: What would you do?
    Suck it up and go to the wedding : (223 votes)
    70 %
    Cancel regretfully and send a good gift : (93 votes)
    29 %
    Other? : (4 votes)
    1 %
  • Post # 3
    Member
    845 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: August 2015

    @Demi-chan:  When did you get the invite? It seems to me like you would have already been in at least some of these circumstances when you were invited, since you said she sent out invites after your wedding which was just in October (if your date is right on your profile). If you commited then you should go, but if you cancel you should send at least enough cash to cover your plates in addition to a gift.

    Post # 4
    Member
    1362 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: September 2014 - Turf Valley

    If you haven’t RSVP’d yet, I’d send my regrets.  If you DID RSVP that you’d attend, I’d suck it up and go…  

    Post # 5
    Member
    1689 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: May 2014

    If you cancel, cancel ASAP.  I have to give my final count 7 days before the wedding, so the sooner you can tell her, the better.

    I’d send my regrets and say that something came up (you don’t have to give details).  Then I’d send along a gift that covers our plates just in case she couldn’t cancel.

    Post # 6
    Member
    957 posts
    Busy bee

    I didn’t really read it all… but it almost sounds like a bunch of excuses to me. You said you were going so the right thing is to go. No one can make you though, so if you end up not going I would suggest you send a substantial gift that will be sure to cover the costs the couple have already paid to have you there. 

    It’s annoying when guests say they’re coming and don’t show up. At my wedding we lost around $800 because of the people who said they were coming and didn’t. It’s a lot of money to hold a seat for nothing.

    Edit: If you end up not going, as PP suggests, tell the couple ASAP

    Post # 8
    Member
    2913 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: August 2013 - Wynn Las Vegas

    That is sure a lot of excuses. It sounds as though you already made up your mind, really, so cancel ASAP. 

    Post # 9
    Member
    8905 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA

    I’m going to be honest, I’d be a little pissed if you RSVPed yes and then just decided not to go at the last minute because it seemed like too much hassle.  All of your reasons are fairly valid, but at the same time – she came to your wedding, you RSVPed yes… it’s a dick move to back out last minute.

    Do they have pet-sitters in your area?  Or do you know any high school aged kids who you could pay to come over once a day?  We went out of town for a week when we had had our kittens for about a month, and hired a high school girl to come feed them and play with them for half an hour a day.  We were out of town for 3 days before that, and a friend came by.  If you have facebook, you could post asking if anyone knows about a pet sitter or someone you could pay – and maybe one of your friends will volunteer (that happened to us).

    ETA: I wouldn’t worry so much about the gift.  It meant WAY more to me that people traveled to our wedding than the gift they did or did not give.  I think most people would probably have you there, than have a nicer gift.

    Post # 10
    Member
    8018 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: September 2015

    honestly I think its pretty shitty of you to cancel at this point, especially because there are no extraneous circumstances. Death in the family? Blizzard? Okay. I got a kitten and dont feel like paying anymore because Im tired? Not okay. Those are circumstances you could have thought about before and checked “no” on the rsvp.

    Its a week away. You feel terrible, because frankly “Id rather sleep” is. I voted suck it up and go.

    Post # 11
    Member
    5421 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: August 2014

    @Demi-chan:  You should go, end of story.

    You knew about everything when you RSVP’d: the cost, the distance, etc. You should have either said then and there that you couldn’t go, or else have budgetted for it properly if you RSVP’d yes.

    If you do decide not to go then you should tell her asap (ie NOW), and expect her to be very annoyed and upset to the point it could well cause issues in your friendship. I would be seriously p-d off if someone cancelled 9 days out, unless there were very good reasons. I would see your reasons as a bunch of excuses and take from it that not only were you not bothered about being there, but you had so little respect for me that you were OK with cancelling at such short notice. How much you give me as a gift wouldn’t really change how I felt about it, either.

    Post # 12
    Member
    32 posts
    Newbee
    • Wedding: October 2015

    In regards to #2, the couple probably isn’t expecting a gift if they know you are travelling a substantial distance to get to the wedding. We travelled for two weddings last year and still gave both couples a nominal gift because we didn’t want to show up empty handed. Both of them were surprised and told us they weren’t expecting anything after how much we paid to go get to the wedding.

    Post # 13
    Member
    643 posts
    Busy bee

    @Demi-chan:  Obviously it would be ideal if you could go or had cancelled earlier. However, sometimes things happen and life gets in the way. If you can’t afford to attend anymore because your circumstances changed, then there isn’t much you can do about that. I do think you should have told her as soon as you realized you didn’t have the extra cash flow but we all make mistakes. 

    Post # 14
    milkcowBee
    216 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: July 2014 - The Meeting House/DoubleTree by Hilton

    I know traveling alone can be awful, especially when you hate flying… but what if you went alone? Your husband could stay home to rest and watch your kitten – that solves two problems. Or is it possible to change your flights and only stay in the hotel one day? Or use public transportation or a taxi instead of getting a car? (I’m not sure how things work outside of North America, I’m sorry if those are ridiculous suggestions! Smile) Those would all be ways to save money. 

    If you really can’t afford it or don’t want to go, I think you should call your friend ASAP and explain, but understand that she’s going to be hurt and maybe a little mad and it’s most likely going to damage your friendship. Sending a nice gift would be good, but I don’t think it would help her feel better about the situation (although not sending a gift would probably make things worse!). Maybe you could send a gift now and also make plans to get together in a few months to look at her pictures/videos/etc so you could relive it with her? That would at least show her you’re still invested in your friendship and planning ahead would allow you to save money and make plans for your travel. 

    Post # 15
    Member
    3735 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: September 2014

    @Demi-chan:  It sounds like you really do not want to go. You’ve mentioned only barriers to your going. Can you go alone? Would that ease the pain to your friend? Perhaps that’s a decent compromise.

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