(Closed) Am I selfish? Giving a gift, expecting one in return.

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
1798 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

@debher:  Why don’t you hint that you have a wedding surprise for him or that it’s customary for bride and groom to get each other gifts for the wedding?

He probably doesn’t know what you’re expecting unless you tell him.

Post # 4
Member
2607 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2009

Maybe a hint, such as, “Oh man, I just ordered the perfect groom’s gift for you.  Have you thought about what you’ll get me, or do you need some suggestions?”  

Post # 5
Member
986 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

I have the most attentive and sensitive FI, however, he likely would never think of a gift for our wedding.  Just to be sure I mentioned that I’m on this site and some of the brides were talking about what they were going to get their groom for the wedding.  He was surprised, didn’t ever cross his mind.   We ended up deciding that we weren’t going to do gifts as the wedding was costing us a mint and so is the honeymoon and my birthday follows 2 weeks later.   I’m good with that.  One less thing on the list.

 

Post # 6
Member
7293 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011

I think reading the “The 5 Love languages book” would be a great idea for you guys I think you have discovered your a giver! Your future husband may not express his love in the way you do, but he can with some communication if thats what you need! and also he probably has his own way of expressing that he loves you that perhaps you don’t do to him ๐Ÿ˜‰

 

Post # 7
Member
2607 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2009

@msfahrenheit:  He probably doesn’t know what you’re expecting unless you tell him.


My DH is the same way….hints go right over his head unless they are pretty specific hints, (and sometimes even then!  hehehehe…MEN!).  

Cosmo says if you want him to do something for you, (tell you you look nice, surprise you with a gift, rub your back, whatever…), you should do it for him, first.  Yeah, tried that, doesn’t work!  LOL!

Post # 8
Member
2854 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I would just ask for one. It doesn’t sound like he’s naturally a planner of surprises. If that’s the case, I’m not sure how he’ll know you want one otherwise.

Post # 10
Member
1158 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

I doubt that I would ask,its not the same as if he did it on his own.

Post # 11
Member
3569 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

I don’t think you are selfish, I do think you may have to realize that your Fi isn’t that  kind of guy and he shows his love and affection in other ways. The other part is telling him how much he means to you, and maybe having him step up and try to do these things every once in a while simply because you like it.

Also  think about changing the things you do for him that you would like him to reciprocate , and instead doing other things that mean more to him, rather then giving him things you would want him to do for you. (that is unless he likes those types of things.) I also think if you have to tell him to do these things and he doesn’t do them on his own isn’t that going to feel like there is no meaning or romance behind it, because he doing it just because he was told.

Post # 12
Member
2607 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2009

Maybe get him a copy of the 5 Love Languages as a wedding gift! ๐Ÿ™‚

Post # 13
Member
4803 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I am so like you…and my DH is so like your FI. I always wanted him to just WANT to do nice things to surprise me and make me happy, I wanted him to just be inspired to bring me flowers or buy me something cute just because he saw it and thought of me, etc. But that just isn’t my DH – it’s just not how he’s wired. We are both MUCH happier now that I just straight up tell him what I want him to do. I get exactly what I want and he doesn’t feel like he has to play a guessing game or feel bad when I get upset that he didn’t read my mind. I know it’s hard, it took some adjusting for me to get used to it, but we have a much better relationship now that I’ve stopped hoping for him to do random romantic things without me suggesting something.

Post # 14
Member
939 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

FI and I are kinda opposite of you.  He is the giver and I am not.  He is always leaving me silly notes in the strangest places (like taped to the toilet paper in the bathroom, or taped to the tv remote).  He gets me little gifts once or twice a week.  He always remembers my birthday and valentines day.  When we first started dating he got me a gift on each of our “month” anniversaries.  But I did none of that. I do get him things for holidays/birthdays, but I’m usually late.  Sometimes i feel super guilty like i’m not trying.  

I really have no advice for you, but now you got me thinking i need to amp it up a little in my own relationship!

Post # 15
Hostess
7561 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: January 2013

I always try to remember that my FI and I express love differently. He may do stuff for you that you won’t do for him. Try to let go of comparisons, it will save you a lot of grief in the future! Instead, let him know when something is important to you instead of keeping your expectations a secret and worrying about him dissapointing you. 

Post # 16
Member
10454 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2014

My fiancé will probably have no clue about wedding gifts either. He didn’t even know there was an engagement ring and then a wedding band haha. Clueless. I agree with PP’s about hinting subtly that you got him something.

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