Post # 1
One of my bridesmaids is a lesbian and keeps telling me that because I am not gay I do not understand a lesbians comfort zone. Please let me know!!!!!
She told me that she is not comfortable in a dress so I asked that she either wear the dress for pictures and then changes into what she pleases or she can wear coordinating pants suit (khaki and tiffany blue). She wants to wear a black and aqua sparkly suit.
My Maid/Matron of Honor contacted her about a bachlorette party. She declined the invite and said she does not have an interest in male stripclubs. I told my Maid/Matron of Honor to plan a party that all attendants can enjoy. I hope that issue is solved.
She told me that a floral bouquet is to feminine for her and she wont carry it. So i made all my BMs/MOH seashell bouquets(it is a bech wedding) Now she said bouquets in general are not for her and she doesn’t think that any of my girls shoud carry them. But I really want them to carry bouquets.
Now she is saying that her being escorted with a man will make her uncomfortable. (BTW the groomsmen she is walking with is her brother) She wants to walk alone.
She is Fiance cousin and I happen to really like her. However, I know she loves to be center of attention. I am wondering if she is using her lifestyle as an excuse or am I really that insensitive???? Please be honest and let me know I take constuctive critisim very well!!!!
Post # 3
I think she’s just being very difficult and it has nothing to do with her sexual orientation.
Post # 4
Does she really want to be a bridesmaid? It sounds like she’s really not interested in anything bridesmaid like. All she has to do as a Bridesmaid or Best Man is put on the dress and walk down the aisle and she’s not interestd in doing those two things.
I think you’ve compromised enough! Tell her that you’re unwiling to compromise and that if she’d prefer she could be a reader or some other honored role.
Post # 5
No, shes being completely selfish and unreasonable. It has nothing to do with her being a lesbian, like you said she just wants to be the center of attention.
Btw, small correction, Im sure you didnt mean anything by it but calling it a ‘lifestyle’ is a bit touchy cause a lot of people use that term to discount it or say that its a choice. Sort of like being straight, or black, or female is not a lifestyle, you know what I mean?
Post # 6
Agreed. She’s almost being flashy with her lesbianism. Not all lesbians are anti-dresses and flowers just as not all straight people love them. I’d set the expectation and not tailor it just to her. She needs to conform to YOUR requests, not the other way around.
Post # 7
I don’t know that her being gay should have anything at all to do with what is required of her as a Bridesmaid or Best Man in your wedding. However, not being gay myself I don’t know what a comfort zone is for that, either. Hopefully some others will have good advice for you about that.
I feel for you. It does seem a little like she’s using it as an excuse. I don’t see what sexuality has to do with what you want her to wear or carry, but I could be off-base about that. It sounds like you are on the right track that she might be using her sexuality as an excuse. You obviously aren’t being insensitive, because you’ve been bending over backwards to accomodate her every request.
I would find out if she really, truly wants to be in your wedding, maybe she just feels uncomfortable about the whole thing. Try talking to her about it. If she really wants to, then she should try being just a tad less selfish, IMO. You have accomodated her, she should be gracious in return and not so picky.
Post # 8
Sounds like she has control issues.
Tell her she doesn’t get to dictate ANYTHING about your wedding. It’s got nothing to do with being a lesbian. I have a lot of gay and lesbian friends/close relatives and I’ve never seen or heard of them behaving like this.
If she wants to be in the wedding, she can go along with what you want. Just because she’s lesbian doesn’t mean she should get special treatment like it’s some kind of rock star status. Lots of other lesbians have been in heterosexual weddings and they’ve come out just fine.
Post # 9
Blue sparkly suit? yikes! I would have thought she was joking… maybe it’s her way of trying to back out of being a BM?
Post # 10
She sounds like she is being selfish. I think the only legit issue is with the dress. If she wears them once in a while then I think she should make an exception for you, if she hasn’t worn them in years I think you can pick the colors of a suit that would work for you. Seems to like she is making excuses. I been to gay weddings and was a bridesmaid in one and everyone even the butch lesibans carried bouquet with no isses. She sounds like she is being a diva.
Post # 11
@amandabones: ummm I don’t know perhaps she is a very unfeminine person and the role just isn’t for her–you should let her know that you will have no hard feelings if she steps down–in fact maybe she would be more comfortable as a groomsman!
I know a few lesbians who would be VERY uncomfortable in a dress or carrying a bouquet–and I know quite a few straight girls that would be uncomfortable at a lesbian strip club
I don’t think either of you is wrong–but that she may not be able to fulfill the traditional role of bridesmaid
Post # 12
Can you negotiate any of these? My LGBT friends all go through painful stages of figuring out what it means for them, and those stages often include rejecting all socially determined gender-constructions: flowers, dresses, being escorted, etc. A gay friend who is coming to my wedding will, I have no doubt, be wearing a scarf insted of a tie. It’s where he is right now. And asking him to wear a tie for the sake of what’s traditional would feel as oppressive to him as asking ME to wear a tie would feel to me.
If she refuses to carry a bouquet or be escorted, do everything you can to work around that. You are not, however, required to change anything for anyone else based on what she’s comfortable with (and I think if you point out to her that you want others to have the same freedom of self-expression that you want her to have, she’ll understand. Also that this wedding is your chance for self-expression, and you like bouquets). As for the dress, well, some of my best friends who are straight women would rather stab their eyes out than wear a dress, so that isn’t an LGBT thing.
I hope this works out for everyone! I think you’re trying very hard to be understanding and to appreciate who she is, and I’m sure she’ll see that.
Post # 13
She’s being unreasonable and it has nothing to do with her sexual orientation.
If you had a straight Bridesmaid or Best Man who insisted on a black and aqua sparkly dress when the rest of the women were wearing khaki and tiffany blue, it wouldn’t even be up for debate.
Post # 14
It doesn’t really sound like she wants to be a bridesmaid in your wedding, or maybe she doesn’t really care about what you want? i don’t know. She sounds difficult and that has nothing to do with being gay.
Post # 15
It’s your wedding, not hers, if she has issues doing things like wearing a dress, carrying bouquets, and being escorted down the aisle with a man (her own brother, for crying out loud, not a complete stranger!) and such, then she should decline the role of Bridesmaid and just come as a guest. Then she can do whatever she wants!
Post # 16