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In June, a co-worker of mine got married. Her mom used to own a flower shop so she agreed to do the flowers for the wedding. Since I used to work in a flower shop as well, the bride asked if I would be willing to help her mom just so that she doesn't get too stressed out. i happily agreed but prefaced that I have my 4 month old son to take care of as well as all a college class i was taking over the summer. She said that any help would be appreciated. So the day before the wedding came around , I worked 7 hours (on my feet the entire time) then went to her moms and worked on the flowers for another 4 hours. I did the remembrance bouquets, the pew decorations, corsages and finally wired & wrapped about 60 orchids and leaves. I left the mom to do the 4 bridal bouquets since she knew the vision her daughter had, the last thing I wanted to do was mess something up for the bride. I was not compensated for the time i put in which was totally okay, I never expected to be nor asked to be.
Fast forward to this week. The bride confronted an employee she rarely talks to and asked "Is it normal that Annie didn't get me a gift for my wedding? She only gave me a card..." The employee responded by saying "Oh, well I thought she helped with the flowers, isn't that a gift in itself?" The bride responded "Well she didn't even do that much."
So here's the question and be honest. I need to know. Was it rude for me to just give her a card?
Well I certainly do not think so - you gave the gift of time and effort. I wouldn't worry about it. It wasn't like she was your best friend.
Wow, I would give anything to have someone help me with flowers, you didnt have to do anything at all.
I think a card is far more than she deserved.
Annie, dont feel bad at all, you are not a stingey person.
That really sucks that she had the nerve to expect a gift after 4 hours of your time spent helping her prepare for the day. If I were you, I would just let it pass... unless its really bugging you, then I think you should say something. I would be completely appreciative of someone putting in that kind of effort for me so that we could have a lovely day. Plus, not to mention, how much money did this bride SAVE by not hiring a florist to design and arrange everything??
grr.. I feel for you.
I think it's really wierd that she would expect a gift from you after all you did to help her out. Please, try not to worry about it, she's the one who is being rude. Did she even thank you for helping with the flowers?
Thank you so much ladies for validating my thoughts! It means a lot!
northernazbride - The next time we both worked together after her wedding she thanked me a TON! Her mom even sought me out at the reception to thank me again. That's what makes me so confused.
Update: i just talked to my mom and asked her the same question....she said I should have given a gift only because she expected one. What a horrible reason to give a gift. I mean that's saying that everyone you invite to your wedding should be expected to give a gift no matter what their financial status is or even relation to you or the groom. I just don't agree. *Sigh* I'm trying hard to not let this get to me.
You definitely gave gift enough. Any professional florist would have probably charged at least a couple hundred, if not a thousand, bucks to do what you did.
There are definitely a couple points to make here... first of all, Would she expect her florist to give a gift? No... and she would have paid her florist.
However, with that being said did you expect your time to be a gift? You should have written that in the card or something... Just as a reminder.... something like Congratulations on your wedding day. I'm glad I was able to help you with your flowers, I hope it all turned out as beautiful as you expected it to.
And... besides that, I think it's really rude for the bride to have ever said anything. It's one thing if she thought it and said it to people in her circle of friends... but another to say it to someone and have it get back to you...
I wouldn't worry about it... just move on.
Wow...the bride was being really rude, not you!!! You seriously did not do anything wrong by just giving her a card. She should realize that you have your time as a gift and if she doesn't, that is her problem! I'm sorry to hear that she is being so awful about this after all the work you put into helping her!
I have to say, I think it's rude for someone to attend a wedding and not give a gift at all, regardless of their financial situation or relation to the bride and groom. Even if it's a small, handmade, gift, a gift of some sort should be given, imho.
THAT BEING SAID, I totally think that working 11 hours assembling flowers for this bride can definitely count as a wedding gift to her. You saved her so much money and put a lot of effort into making her day beautiful.
How rude of her to be bringing it up with coworkers, too. Eww.
Then again, maybe the middle-man co-worker in this got the story a little garbled and dramatized a bit? I mean, we already know that she's going between you two... :) Could be a possibility?
Hmm, I mean, that's tough.
I'm a singer, and many of my friends are musicians of some sort. So...we are frequently performing for reach other's weddings.
I will say, that unless it is determined ahead of time what will be my "gift" to the bride (in this case, singing) I will get the couple a smaller present. Then, in the card I will say something like, "It was such a honor to be part of your wedding ceremony. I hope you enjoy this little extra something as a gift to you as well!"
Then, its clear.
I think, if I were you, I would have said something before hand to the bride.
However, I will say, at the same time, the bride was WAY out of line to ask a fellow employee of your's about it. That is VERY, VERY wrong of her. ...and don't you now feel uncomfortable?
Ettiquette was designed to keep people from feeling awkward, and uncomfortable (like how you now feel). That said, she must have been feeling (even if her actions were wrong) uncomfortable about not receiving a gift from you, for whatever reason. Therefore, you should have probably gotten her something small.
Should you get her something now?
No, I wouldn't. I would just move on. What a weird bride.
Etiquette states that NO ONE who attends your wedding is at all obligated to give a gift, so it would be rude for your friend to complain about any guest not giving her a gift, let alone someone who's spent all the time and effort that you did.
Let's just hope that your other coworker didn't get her story straight. I for one would be thrilled to recieve such a generous gift. You saved her tons of money, time, and stress!
I agree that I think it is rude to not bring a gift to the wedding, however 11 hours of your time is more than enough of a gift. A florist would have likely charged over 1000 for the labor. That's one heck of a gift. I think she is being highly ungrateful!
You gave her a gift--your time, which is a precious commodity! I had several friends help me with aspects of my wedding and would NEVER expect them to also give a gift. In fact, I would be horrified if they did both! So, chalk it up to it being her, not you.
I personally would be SO GRATEFUL for someone to help me with flowers like you did for your friend! I would definitely NOT expect a gift. I have several friends helping me out in various "wedding departments" (ie invitation design/printing, veil making, engagement photos), and do not expect a gift from any of them! They're probably saving me thousands of dollars after all!
if the bride or groom was a good friend, for sure i would've given a nice gift on top of any help or time i put into the wedding. for anyone else i would still give a gift but maybe something small from their registry.
I have to say, that I don't really agree that its rude for someone to not bring a gift to a wedding. I don't invite people to my wedding expecting a gift. If I get a gift, that's very nice and I appreciate it, but I definitely don't think I would think a person rude for not bringing one. They are taking the time to come to the wedding, get a hotel room, drive there, maybe FLY there...
I dunno. I have never not given a gift at a wedding, but I just don't think it would bother my that much if someone who attended mine didn't give me one. I just asked and my fiance is not agreeing with me, I guess I am weird. But I feel I am inviting the person, not the gift.
It sounds like her mom downplayed how much work YOU did. Perhaps she took some of YOUR credit, unfortunately.
I think, considering you helped out with the flowers (a la professional style) that you're not rude AT ALL by only giving you a card. Otherwise, your time would have been worth hundreds of dollars. I mean, Helloooooooo.
I'm thinking the bride deosn't REALLY know how much work you did. Otherwise, seriously, wth would she say that? Either she's really dumb (and c'mon, every bride knows how many flowers are in a wedding) or she just has no clue.
Thanks for all the input ladies :) I'm on the fence about this one. It's definitely a double-sided sword. I'm 22 and that was actually the first wedding I've been to where the invite didn't read "To Mr. & Mrs. plus me" so I think I'll chalk this one up to a learning experience. Tricky questions like this one happen to be popping up all over the place now that my guy and I are planning our wedding. But...
It's safe to say that I just flat out felt unappreciated and it doesn't feel good. I have many opinions regarding the situation but I think the decision to give a gift should be left up the guest and not by unwritten etiquette rules. The purpose of having a wedding after all has nothing to do with the worldly gifts you may receive- it's all about the spiritual, mental and emotional gifts, right?
Anyway thanks again, at least I can see both sides of the situation now :)
She was pretty rude, for discussing this with another coworker. And for thinking you should have given her another gift.
I guess the only advice I could give going forward is that if you help out another bride, let her know before hand that you would be happy to help, if she'd like it to be her wedding gift from you.
reading Annie's post above im troubled by the mothers response to Annie, "Update: i just talked to my mom and asked her the same question....she said I should have given a gift only because she expected one. "
seems that the mother did nothing in correcting her daughters bad manners either
I think Eloping misread your post. She thought you were updating on the brides mom.
ohhhh - i thought the brides mum told you she expected a gift and i thought that was very rude of her to say it to you (if it was the brides mum that is)
it was your mum that thinks the bride still expected a gift - (insert duh smilie here!) sorry - i didnt read the post properly
i still reckon the bride is ungrateful for your time and talents and i vote that no, you didnt need to give a gift as your time and efforts would have saved her alot on the day
Well, I think it's totally crappy that the bride didn't recognize your contribution to her big day. It sounds like the bride is being a bit of a brat on this one. As far as I'm concerned, what you did DOES constitute a gift and if I had been the bride, I wouldn't have expected something else in addition to all your work. We had a family friend make our cake as her "gift" to us and I was not at all offended that she just gave us a card. After all, she spent all that money and time to assemble the cake--that was gift enough.
I would totally consider your time towards the weddign flowers a gift. I'm with the others about not worrying about this. :)
I definitely agree that your time and effort were more than enough of a gift. She should think of what a florist would have charged her for that work!
No bride should ever EXPECT a gift from anyone. Plain and simple. You did a great thing by helping her out and that's all that should be expected.
I would let it go and take it as a lesson as not to help anyone again, OR just tell her "hey I heard you complained about me not giving you a gift? well (and then explain what you did) and be like if you just wanted a gift instead you should have told me and I wouldnt have spent my time doing your flowers you could have hired a florist for like 1000, which would not have been the value of my gift.... I hope we re okay... just set it straight
It sounds like you put in a LOT of work in the flower department (everything except the bouquets, from what I read)! I'm no expert but have taken a floral design course and know that it is a challenge to put everything together and make it look gorgeous. I think that it sounds like she's more of an acquaintance than a close friend, so to me doing the flowers would be enough, if not MORE than enough. She should never have expected that anyone bring gifts, even though it's customary. Apparently she didn't seem to think that your time/effort was gift enough. I wouldn't worry about giving her an extra gift.
How could the bride say you didn't do that much when you worked for 11 hours!? (Or did you mean you worked your regular job for 7 hours and then worked on HER stuff for 4 hours?) Either way, it's still substantial! I think the problem lies in that it was probably not clear that you intended your help as a her wedding gift, and while she appreciated your help, she thought that was something outside of gift giving, that you were merely giving her a hand with the wedding. That said, I think the bride was still very rude to bring that up to the coworker. I don't believe in expecting gifts as a bride. I'd be happy to receive what I get from people, but I certainly wouldn't expect it and talk to people about it if I didn't!
She sounded like a very unappreciative bride...
I think the bride was VERY rude for making that comment. You are absolutely not obligated to buy a gift at all, but look at what you gave her! You saved her at least hundreds if not in the thousands of dollars on labor.
She sounds really selfish to me - one of those brides who only invites people based on what she'll get in return. How dare she discuss your 'lack of' gift with another coworker, even if you were in the wrong that's really tacky of her.
Different people think different. I agree with star, I think it's rude to go to a wedding and not give a gift, no matter how your finiancal situation is you should at least buy somthing small or hand make something.
And that being said... I spend 20+ hours helping two friends with their weddings (10 hours hand making one of their's wedding favors) and still got them both 50+ dollar gift, but that's who I am. I don't think either bride expected me to get them something but I thought it was a nice gesture since it should be an honor to be invited to a wedding b/c the bride and groom choose you to be part of their special day. ^_^
People using the florist example... you don't invite your florist to your wedding... so this is a little bit of a different situation.
I should note both of these girls are good friends of mine... and since she's just your co-worker I guess you didn't have the same feelings so I think it's okay that you didn't get her anything and it's not really a big deal since you're just co-workers. She is being kind of katty to bring it with another co-worker.
That is so horrible!!!! You made such a wonderful and time consuming contribution by doing so much work on her flowers! I know you weren't expecting compensation, but it seems to me that she should be asking herself why she didn't get you a gift to thank you for all of your work, not the other way around!
The bride sounds like she could have brushed up on her etiquette!
Wow, how rude of the bride! Your time with the flowers definitely was your gift (and a great one at that).
My cousin designed our wedding invitations, and of course, didn't charge us for her time, and we were incredibly grateful. I'm considering that her gift to us, and I will not at all be upset if she doesn't get us an actual gift.
Personally, I'm a gift-giver, and I love doing it. Had I been in your shoes, I would have gotten her something if I attended the wedding (even if it was a $20 gift card to a store she was registered at). However, I don't EXPECT that everyone will give a gift at our own wedding. Where I'm from (NY) it's definitely considered rude to attend a wedding without a gift, but like I said, your time with the flowers WAS your gift.
I think the bride owes you a gift! I have a friend who's helping me with flowers and I am soo greatful and we plan on getting her a nice thank you gift :)
If I were the bride, I definitely would not expect anything - your time & effort is worth a lot more than any material gift.
No, if I were the bride I would've assumed that you helping with the flowers was your gift. I am sure you saved her more money than is typically given as a wedding gift. Don't sweat it!
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