Am I taking this too personally?

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
4576 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@mistress_anne:  I vote step out of the friendship, gracefully or not is up to you.

My BF had a couple of “friends” that had met me a handful of times decide to unfriend me on social media after their attempts at trying to persuade him not to date me failed (all women). He frankly told them how he felt about their nastiness.

You guys are now a package deal. If you weren’t before, you definitely are now. Your “friend” needs to be inclusive of your FH.

Post # 4
Member
5966 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2017

@mistress_anne:  do you do anything with your friends alone without your FI? assuming you have some free time, which it doesn’t sound like you have much of it. I have been on both sides of this. On the one hand, I have a schedule that is far more hectic than my friends do, regardless of if they are marriedsingle kidsno kids. Its just the nature of my life right now. I have limited time to devote to my friends. My free time goes firs to FI if we can both find it at the same time, and then to my friends if that’s not possible. It’s not a choice it just is how it is. So I have had certain friends not be able to stay connected because they just werent’ in the friendship the same way I was. HOWEVER, with the friends that I actually do make a real effort to stay connected to (because they make the effort as well) I make sure to do things with them that don’t always involve FI. I would imagine that might be an issue rather than your friend mary just not liking your FI. I think it might have to do more with feeling like if she invites you than automatically you invite your FI and she may just want it to be a girls night kind of thing. I have friends that dont do anything EVER without their SO’s and in general that’s fine, but for certain nights out, it’s not a couples thing and people do tend to think “hmmm well we won’t invite her anymore since she won’t come without her SO”. It has nothing to do with banning them, or not liking them, but sometimes some girl time is nice. Another instance where this could cause a problem is when the other friend is single and couldn’t do a “couples thing” even if they wanted to. It would get to the point where trying to make plans would feel like becoming a third wheel, which isn’t always a bad time but it seems like everything you mentioned that you ahve done with this girl has always included your SO.

I would have a very honest conversation with mary and find out what the root of the problem is instead of just assuming you already know.

Post # 5
Member
5932 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2018

@mistress_anne:  This is tricky….there is a time to silently step out of a friendship, and there is a time to try and salvage it before it catches on fire…..I just wonder if she’s feeling a little set aside and secondary to your FI…which would be correct, he’s supposed to be a priority for you….but I think we all know there’s a line between loving someone, and letting your entire life revolve around them.

Before you do or say anything, decide if this friendship is something you’re interested in saving, then think if you’ve done anything with her in the last six months, where you didn’t ask if your FI could tag along, refuse to attend if you knew he wouldn’t or talk about him and his issues the entire time…..

If any of those are true on a regular basis in your interaction with your friend, it might be time to re-assess how your friendships have been altered by your focus on your FI and maybe find a few ways to make sure you maintain an independant identity.

 

Post # 6
Member
9412 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

@badabing88:  +1, exactly this. You two are a package deal and people in your life need to respect that. Can you still go out separately? Sure. But to purposefully exclude your partner is just rude (and is not behaviour I would tolerate from any friend of mine). With each life phase (i.e. engagement, wedding, children, etc.), relationships with friends change. Your partner is your focus and you have less time for friends – sometimes people find that too hard to deal with and lash out rather than adapt.

Post # 7
Member
5966 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2017

@badabing88:  i agree that once you pair off you are a “package deal” but it’s also healthy to maintain friendships independently of your SO, especially when the friend in question is single themselves. I think its crappy to always expect your friends to hang out with a couple if they are single, forcing them to be a third wheel EVERY TIME. Plus, I think it’s also healthy to do things with your girlfriends that don’t include the men inyour lives. It sounds to me like there is no events or get togethers or hang out sessions with this “mary” that only include the OP and her. Personally, I get annoyed with the few friends I have that don’t do anything without their guys. FI and I do most things together as a couple, including outings with friends. But we also maintain our own friendships that we have had outside of our relationship (before and during) independently. I think it’s good to have a nice balance.

Post # 8
Member
9412 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

@Nona99:  FI and I almost always socialize together. We don’t have a lot of spare time, all of our friends that we keep in contact with are mutual, and we just prefer this structure. People often criticize us, but we find this works best. I still feel like my own person though. I understand your point about your FI being your priority versus the only thing you have going on in your life though.

Post # 10
Member
4576 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@stardustintheeyes:  I totally agree with what you mean about doing things seperately, if it works for your situation. Our time outside of our offices is limited at BEST, and if we only get one free night a week/weekend, we’re going to spend it doing something together (with or without friends 🙂 That being said, he golfs weekly with his friends.

I more took issue with this “Friend” unfriending OPs guy on social media, and then topping it off with the comment about “i’ll let you know if I want to see him.”

Post # 11
Member
5932 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2018

@MrsPanda99:  I get that a lot of couples prefer the Package Deal approach, and I’m always happy to hang around with any couple, I do get a bad taste in my mouth if I see one partner blatanly cracking the whip on the other, but hey, it’s their marriage – right?….I suppose Mr. 99 and I just have such varying interests and I’m a card carrying member of The Ladies Who Lunch…I love a good, dishy, margarita fueled, lets dress up for no reason lunch….which Mr. 99 would rather attempt to extinguish a cigar with his bare ass than attend….so I’m thinking maybe her friend is feeling like a gate left to swing in the wind because those kinds of things aren’t an option anymore….those things that are just for the girls maybe?

Post # 12
Member
5966 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2017

@badabing88:  I think that is just her placing her anger in the wrong place, which happens often. The SO gets blamed instead of the friend. in my first post I also explained that FI and I have limited time off and even more limited time off at the same time. So our first choice for our free time, is each other. But if they other isnt’ available or has an event, we make it a point to do things with friends during those times and we also are understanding if it’s been a while for either of us to have “friend time”. so that makes sense. But i feel there should be a balance. Mary could be feeling like the OP’s SO is the reason the friendship is suffering and is making him her target. I don’t think that’s right either but keep in mind, its not a requirement of her to be his friend on social media. it would be silly to be offended by that in my opinion.

Post # 13
Member
6964 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2015

@mistress_anne:  I’ll play devil’s advocate a little here. 

I have had friends that I was super close to and once they got in a relationship they NEVER went out without their SO anymore. Granted, I’m close to being one of those people now, but when I was single it was super annoying. (I’m lucky that all my friends are in relationships too!) So, when she asked you to movie night the last time, she made it really clear that she didn’t want your man to come (quite rudely, I might add) and you ignored it, but then got a migrain. If I were her, I would assume you were lying and had decided not to come because I didn’t want you to bring your man. 

The thing is, the way she said she didn’t want him but oh well, it was too late now… was super rude. She knows she was rude and assumed you were being rude back. Now she’s misinturpretted everything you’ve done since, but really it’s all because she was rude to begin with. 

If you want to stay friends with your single friends, you need to make an effort to go out with them without your man sometimes. Like, 50% of the time minimum. If it’s more important to spend time out with your man (which totally makes sense since he’s often not up to it), you’re going to have to accept distance in your friendships. 

I would tell her the reality of your life is that you have a man you love who is often not able to go out. When he is feeling well, you don’t want to leave him at home. When he’s not feeling well, you don’t want to leave him alone. That is important to you because this is the man you are going to spend your life with. She’s not going to get what she wants- time alone with you- so she’ll most likely step back.

Post # 14
Member
9412 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

@Nona99:  It is hard when relationships change. I used to have a ton of time for my girlfriends, and I don’t anymore. To be fair, many of them are working moms and they don’t have as much time for me either. A lot of our gatherings have kids running around and spouses if we feel like bringing them. I wonder if I am annoying to my friends for always having FI around 😛 I feel like our individual hobbies give us a chance to broaden our interests.

For example, FI loves golf and I just tried a few weeks ago – I loved it! He is happy to go to cooking and ballroom dancing classes with me. I feel it opens us to new things we wouldn’t normally do, but I do notice that most couples do have “separate” social time. Maybe we are weird, but it works for us. I guess it is different for everyone, but it can be hard for others in your life to accept.

Post # 15
Member
289 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

@mistress_anne:  I don’t know if you’re taking any of this too personally. It just sounds like you and Mary both have serious things going on in your life (health, parents, school, financial etc). But lots of people have these same issues and still manage to maintain friendships through them so my guess is that there is something else going on here.

Instead of trying to bow out of the friendship, why not take Mary up on her offer for coffee and ice cream just with her. And when you go out, mention (in a calm way) that you’ve sensed the dynamic of your friendship has changed, especially when it comes to hanging out with your FI. Ask her why this is and what can be done to repair it? I have lots of friends that I hang out with without my bf — it’s not necessarily a reflection on him or their views on him. And I often prefer it that way, as it allows to me to keep some sense of an independent self within my relationship.

I’ve cut off some friendships that were genuinely toxic and I don’t regret those. But others were ones that just petered out because, well, neither of us kept up the energy after life and all its messiness got in the way. And I regret that. Mary is saying she doesn’t want that to happen, so I would atleast hear her out.

 

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