Post # 1
So prior to the wedding I posted before about how I have always had this built up frustration with my in-laws. My husband and I had been together for almost 7 years before the wedding, so I’ve dealt for many many many years with his mom being freakishly overbearing. I’ve never actually had a confrontation with her about anything but there have been many many times when I just wanted to freak out at her. Well then we bought a house within a few miles of them (had to, husband’s going to med school in the area). Since then they were coming over ALL OF THE TIME. I told myself that it was just because they were excited to help out since it was all brand new and that right after the wedding I would be able to take a long break from them (we went on a 2 week honeymoon) and then all would be good.
Unfortunately, the honeymoon wasn’t long enough apparently to fix my annoyance with them. I feel bad, but today his dad came over to help my husband out with putting in the patio and I was annoyed about it. Partly because I wanted it to be something that just my husband and I did together – sure it was nice to have an extra set of hands, but do you know what I mean? We just got married, just moved into the house… I want to do these things just the two of us without having to be told how to do this and that by his parents. Not to mention, his mom just casually stops over all of the time. It is seriously to the point where I even got nervous when we were (ya know), because I was afraid his parents were going to walk in! at our own home! They have a set of keys and are not afraid to use them whenever they please.
Bees, what do I do? I don’t want to have a melt down to my husband about this for the millionth time. I’m sick of having in law issues. The thing is, I DO like them, I love them. But how in the world do you tell them that enough is enough without them acting like I am ungrateful for their help or without them acting like we don’t want to spend time with them?
Post # 3
Sounds very frustrating (and very common)! Unfortunately I don’t think you can say anything. It’s going to have to come from your Darling Husband, bc they are his family. There will probably be some hurt feelings but hopefully they will get over it, and you can all stay sane forever 🙂
I would get him to say something like: “Mum/Dad, we gave you those keys for an emergency, not for using all the time. Bloodgo1 and I are newlyweds and we’re really enjoying our new house together, we still want to see you we just think we need some more time alone to get used to it all. We would love to see you every Sunday/every second Sunday for lunch though, what do you think?”
Something like that – be upfront about how often you’d like to see them, so they hopefully realise it’s not that you *never* want to see them, just that it’s too often at the moment. I think it’s good to nip this in the bud now, assuming you’ll be in the area for a long time and if you keep bottling it up and not being clear about your expectations you will go crazy 🙂 Good luck!
Post # 4
You need to talk to your husband about this. He probably was thinking from a logistical stand point, that the help with the patio was a necessity. Let him know when you want to try things, just the two of you, before bringing in extra help
The stopping over all the time, randomly, unnannounced, is 100% NOT OK. he needs to put the kabosh on that right this very second
Post # 5
I agree that your husband needs to talk to them and tell them the keys are for emergencies ONLY and they have no right to burst into your private home whenever they please. It is about setting boundaries with them.
I agree with mountain.bride about maybe setting dates with them when you will do things together or they will come over so they don’t feel like you are cutting them off.
Post # 6
You need to talk to your husband and set some ground rules. It is not okay for them to come over all the time. It is not okay for them to let themselves in unless its an emergency or you’ve given them permission.
Post # 7
that is not cool they are letting themselves in and out of ur home. do they pay the mortgage/rent?? i’d change the locks ASAP and do NOT under any circumstances give them a key. and setting specfic times that work for all of you is a good idea.
Post # 8
The thing is that I feel like we have gone over this a million times. Even when we went in for our premarital counseling (this was around the time we just moved in and I could not get them out of the house) the woman told my husband that he needs to put his foot down because it is definitely not ok. Well he hasn’t really done that and I don’t know what more I can possibly say to him to make him do it or to understand. He totally knows that it isn’t ok, but when I get really overly worked up about something he also thinks I’m overreacting. Which I might be, but it is just so easy to get me irritated when it comes to them just because it has all built up inside of me over time. I really don’t want to be the one to say something to them, but the next time I come home and see that my Mother-In-Law has gone to the extent of planting flowers in my front yard or hanging curtains in my living room (neither of which did I know anything about – and worse is I don’t like/had different plans for both) I honestly think it will come to the point where I snap.
@a confused bride – No, they are definitely not paying for anything. We’re on our own.
Post # 9
You are absolutely not terrible. Part of being mature adults is drawing healthy boundaries. Your home is for you and your husband to make and nurture. If you (as a couple) don’t deal with this now, imagine what will happen as time goes on. Imagine after children (if you plan to have them)! Hang in there, communicate how important this is, and good luck.
Post # 10
Just brought it up to him. Didn’t go over so well. Today we were supposed to work on the patio together and fix up the kitchen cupboards. Now he is going to his parents house instead and helping them put up a bed and move furniture. I want to scream! This is beyond obnoxious. He thinks that I’m just overreacting and that there is nothing wrong with him going over there to help them. This is where it gets tricky, because it does make sense for him to go over there and help them. But now I’m annoyed that we can’t do what we had planned to do and I can’t help but thinking that if only we didn’t live so freakishly close to them then I wouldn’t have to deal with this and that we could focus on ourselves, our own home, our new marriage.
It just sucks because on one hand I feel like a b*tch for being mad that he is going to help his parents do something today, but on the other hand I’m so mad that he doesn’t see my side of it too and doesn’t understand why I’m frustrated about not being able to do the things we had planned. Uuuuuuuuugh! I just want to curl up in bed and cry. I hate that it has gotten to the point that the sound of his mom’s voice makes me cringe! This sucks.
Post # 11
(((hugs))). Sorry I don’t have any advice.
Post # 12
Did he know that you were planning on doing things in your own house today? If so, that’s really mean of him to cancel plans with you to work on his parents house. He could got over there later in the week or next weekend and help them but he already had plans with you.
Post # 13
I am sorry that this didn’t get resolved before you got married. Maybe you could get the locks changed on the doors ASAP if your husband won’t do anything about talking with his parents about not coming over and doing things. Perhaps you can set time aside to go shopping with your Mother-In-Law to get things for the house together. (Probably not right now, because of how you are feeling) I am sure that her intentions are good, but yeah, not okay. And I am a mom & Mother-In-Law. (Maybe if they catch you in the act, they will not come over unannounced!! LOL !!! Sorry, just had to say that) But seriously, you could maybe when calm tell your husband that you love his parents but that it is really wonderful that you want to have this newlywed time to make your house a home WITH HIM, and that you are beginning to feel really resentful of them, and that you REALLY don’t want to feel resentful, because you really do love and care for them. He really needs to put you first! Otherwise, you will NOT be fond of them, and you don’t want that to happen. Good luck!!!
Post # 14
I had the same issue with my IL’s and they didn’t live close by. They felt it was OK for them to just randomly drop by (usually around dinner) and the first few times I just dealt with it. Never did I expect it to happen continuously. I was wrong. They made me resent their unnannounced visits,to the point that I said to my Mother-In-Law one day that I just read a really great article about newlyweds and their desire to be alone,etc, along with a sign one couple made to put on their front door, kind of like a No Solicitation thing…it read ‘Please Don’t Knock if You Didn’t Call First’. lol
I made my point in a roundabout way,but it worked. No more drop in visits from them. 🙂
Post # 15
Thanks bees. I’m currently in bed watching cheesy Hallmark movies and eating some ice cream, definitely calming me down a bit lol
He went over there, but we definitely didn’t talk/resolve a thing. @MissAsB, yep he definitely knew that we were supposed to do the stuff around our own house today. Now we have people coming over in a few hours which means we’ll get zero done and most likely not have time to discuss any of this before they get here.
@rlsulli, I know! You’d think that almost 7 years would be plenty of time for him to lay down some ground rules prior to us getting married, but he kept on saying “I really think that they will change after we get married..” Yeah, not so much. Now we just have to hear their opinions about everything (used to be about school, our futures, whatever – now it is more focused on our home). Even last night we were having people over for a bonfire and we had to stop at his parents house to pick up our outdoor chairs they had borrowed, when we told his mom we were having people over for a bonfire she proceeded to say “What? You can’t have a bonfire tonight. I think tomorrow night would be better.” Why?? Who knows! Pretty sure I’m capable of deciding when I can have a bonfire at my own house. They treat us like we are still 15!
@smyley, haha that is awesome! I mean I would prefer for my husband to be the one to step up and flat out say something though. Although I did warn him that I can’t handle much more of this and if he lets all of it continue then it is only a small matter of time before I snap at them. I thought we were making progress, especially because when we did the premarital counseling he was finally hearing from someone besides me that it was not ok for this to go on. But now I’m worried that he really isn’t taking it seriously and is just blowing it off like usual, which hurts because he knows how much it bothers me.
Post # 16
I’m sorry…that is seriously annoying.
I would change the locks, and not give them a set…why do they have their own set of keys???