Post # 1
This waiting game is no fun and I need some support!
I have been patiently waiting for a proposal from my SO and as the days pass more and more of my friends are getting engaged, married, and having babies, and with that my anxiety keeps growing and growing. I’m 28 (SO 29) and I know I’m still young(er) and we havent been together TOO long (will be 2 years this May) but I feel like how we met/how things progressed, it would have happened a lot faster. 2 years ago I was living in Ohio (born and raised) when I met my SO online. It wasnt on a dating website or anything… more of a message board to see the bands that are coming to town, whats going on in the park, etc. Well we met on here March 22, exchanged numbers, talked on the phone, sent pictures… and never skyped or met in person. I fell for him immedietely. May 5 (6 weeks after meeting) I packed up everything I could fit into my jeep and made the 722 mile drive to Atlanta to be with him. We met in person for the first time that next Saturday and have been inseperable since. The girl I had moved in with ended up moving to Orlando in October so we moved in together…quite the whirlwind to say the least.
I guess I just expected him to want to propose sooner than this… I mean, I left my entire life, friends family, everything I have EVER known to be with him. Doesnt he understand what I had given up just to be with him? Especially after only knowing him for 6 weeks, changing my whole life around. I dont mention that to him, I dont want to resent him, but I want what I want, and I honestly dont think I’m asking too much! I dont want a mansion or a porche, I want a simple wedding, and I want that committment. Anyone have any words of wisdom…anything to help me cope with the way I’m feeling right now? I dont know why I feel so hopeless and stressed!
Post # 2
Me and my FI were whirlwind. We’ll be married in less than a year of dating but I am a pushy broad and I was always clear about what I wanted and when I wanted it because that commitment means a lot to me. Honestly, go for the marriage, not the proposal. Lay it all out there for him. Tell him what you want, exactly what you want. There is no sense in waiting for something. You are both adults. Propose to him! Or at least, give him a timeline. Don’t be angry or resentful, just be plain and simple. Straight forwardness is something more women need to perfect. We are terrible hinters and silent pleaders. I was brought up to be frank and unsubtle. Trust me, with the right man, it will be a quality he adores.
Post # 3
you need to TELL him. Guys are NOT mindreaders. They will go on forever most of the time with things as the status quo. You need to have a talk with him and let him know that this is what you want and you will not settle. Give him a time frame that you would LIKE it to happen in, not IT HAS TO happen in. Never give ultimatums. Just tell him, that “you love him with all your heart and can’t imagine your life without him and would like to take it to the next step and ask him where he feels its going. You are thinking about your future with or without him, as you would like marriage, kids, etc. If he’s not along the same lines, then you have some serious thinking to do and decide upon.” something like that. Usually they have to feel not threatened or given ultimatums, and if they feel the same and are afraid of losing you, then that’s what usually prompts them to move forward.
Post # 4
Have you two actually had a talk about your future life together and each other’s expecatations?? Men are not mind readers…you cannot just sit around “waiting” for him to magically propose. I’m a firm believer that if you want to get married you need to speak up for yourself. I’m not saying nag him or drop hints or ultamatiums, but together have an adult conversation about your future together. See if you two are on the same page and have the same end goals for your life together. It will help mitigate your feelings of hoplessness because you will taking some control back for your future.
Post # 5
I totally agree with sharksgrl99 and PeachSnapple. Have you talked with your SO about where you see your relationship going? It’s important to make sure that the two of you are aware of where you stand in terms of the relationship, how far you’ve come, and to have a sort of ‘blueprint’ for the years ahead (guys have a tendency to see things more short-term than us ladies do).
It’s hard to wait- trust me. FI and I were only about 6 months in when I knew I wanted to marry him. And even back then, we both had discussed it and knew it was going to happen one day. It was another year and a half before we got engaged. Getting engaged is a major investment- so I felt like it was really important to give FI the time and space for FI to propose in the time and manner that felt best for him and for us.
Make sure you talk to your SO about your prospective timeline- that way the two of you will be on the same page, and you’ll have the confidence that it *will* be happening when the moment is right for both of you
Post # 6
You moving across the country to be with him was YOUR choice. You cannot hold that against him.
Have you spoken to him about all this? If so, what was his response and if not, why not? If you have and he hasn’t gone for it/avoided the issue, then I think you should just relax and enjoy.. you are still in the getting to know each other phase!
It’s obvious you guys moved forward quickly… but marriage is a serious committement and if he’s not ready for that just yet, you need to be fair to him and let it lie for a bit. Why is it you want to take the next step so quickly?
Post # 7
KaitlynBrooke: Did you and your SO ever talk about the possiblity of being married?
If not, bring it up. See where his mind is at.
In the mean time try not to superimpose your desire on him he may start feeling pressure and clam up.
Post # 8
sharksgrl99: PeachSnapple: Papillion: nessdawwg: onelovelybride: yes, we actually used to talk about it quite often (mostly in the beginning) then he started acting a bit strange when I would see things on FB of other friends getting engaged and I may have handled it in a jealous way which turned him off to talking about it. That was my fault. But I ask him from time to time if he wants to marry me and he always replies with “yes baby, of course I do” then he will give me a kiss and leave it at that (so thats a good sign) I’ve stopped getting upset when I see other things, I’m trying really hard not to do that comparison thing… I would bring it up a lot, but recently I got to a place where I’m like, you know what, forget it. If I see something I brush it off, I dont get upset or jealous, I just try to be happy for the couple and move on without saying anything. If I do get upset I’ll call my mom, dad, or best friend to “vent” He knows where I stand, he relitively knows my timeline. Our lease is up this October and I’ve told myself that if there isnt that movement forward I wouldnt sign the lease again, or move into a house with him, I would move on my own (he doesnt know that) but I dont think I could go on another year just “waiting” I feel he is like some other men that already feel “married” we live together, go grocery shopping together, are committed to one another… so it him whats the point? Am I wrong for thinking that?
Post # 9
Have an open discussion about when he sees you moving forward. No harm in being direct. The decision to get married should be a joint one.
you do need to let go of the whole I moved here for you I desrrve a ring for that Mindset. You chose to do that and you can’t hold it against him. I get where you’re coming from but it’s not fair to him and not the right attitude to have.
Post # 10
He knows your timeline, do you know his? Do you know if he’s waiting for a particular milestone, or date to occur? Next time, don’t ask him “Are we going to get married?”. ask him “If we were to get married, when do you think that would be?”
Also, try not to feel pressured because you see engagements on Facebook, or delete it altogether. Marriage is personal and needs to be the right decision for the both of you, it shouldn’t be influenced by something like Facebook!
Post # 11
KaitlynBrooke: Hi there. I had a whirlwind romance too. We didn’t speak about marriage much at all in the first 2 years. Shortly after that mark, I told him that my life plan was to be married.
I would, from time to time, share my goal with him whenever he’d make comments that marriages were crap, didn’t work, etc. By “time to time,” I mean every few months… not once a week or more frequently. Around year 4, I drunkenly professed my undying love for him and my want to get married to him. That went over like a ton of bricks. He was shocked and I left that conversation feeling like crap. A couple of months later, we did have a serious talk where I said that my goal was to get married and that if he didn’t want to get married, I would move on. I explained that I understood he had an equal say in this and that if he didn’t want to play, I would find a partner that would because my goal was very normal and blah, blah, blah. It was a very calm, respectful discussion. I just had to let him know that my goal was going to be attained with or without him (although stated in a less threatening manner but still very direct). From there, I stopped talking about it. I didn’t take the bait when he made jokes. I didn’t bring it up. I didn’t hint. I didn’t manipulate. I didn’t do anything. I was at peace and OK to move on if I had to. I.Just.Let.It.Drop.Completely.
Five months later, HE brought up the subject of rings. He later said that our frank conversation got him thinking and he realized what he wanted.
We got engaged at about the 5 year mark and he planned an elaborate proposal all by himself. At the 6.5 year mark, we will be married.
Post # 12
MrsWBS: canadajane: LilRhodyGem: thank you all for your help 🙂 perhaps I need to switch up my tactics and just sit down and talk instead of bringing up spiratically! I dont tell him I moved here for him or throw that in his face, because I really moved for the both of us! I wouldnt still be here if I didnt love him with all that I am… but sometimes I cant help but feel left behind. I did everything the “right way” graduated HS, went to college, graduated, found the perfect job, and now I’m like uhhhh next step next step haha I know I’ll look back in 20 years and wonder why the heck I wanted to rush things along. Thats why I’m so glad there are websited like this and other females like all of you to help through all the confusing questions and great advice!
Post # 13
KaitlynBrooke: Yeah i would think you are kind of wrong thinking all that. 2 years is not a lot of time to decide on a lifetime commitment. You said you have a timeline in your head that he doesn’t know about. You need to talk to him about it. Ask him what he feels his timeline is. Ask him if he has any concerns or issues he feels are holding him back about you. Women and men are way different. Women worry about emotions and relationships. Men worry about the financial aspect. so you need to give him time to set things in place (eg-getting a ring, thinking about moving, getting a good job, expecting kids in the future). Most men, if they don’t have those in place first, will not move forward in the relationship.
I can relate to you very much. I was with my guy 4 years before he proposed. I had that talk i’m mentioning with him at the 3 year mark when my lease was up as we had talked about moving in and getting married, so I asked him if this was the time for us to move in together. He very quickly replied that he’s not ready for that yet. So I calmly said to him, I know how I feel and I love him with all my heart and can’t image my life without him now but if after 3 years he’s not ready for that next step then I need to think about what is best for me. I know I’d like to marry him but if he’s not ready to at least move in together than I need to seriously think about our relationship and how it affects me. I went home and cried all that night thinking of the possibility of having to move on. The next day he called asking if I can come over that night. When I got there he hugged me and said he thought a lot and he was stupid for saying that right away and that he doesn’t want to lose me and that he wanted us to move in and become a family. then we talked about marraige and agreed to get engaged by the end of the year of living together. That year was ending and when walking in the mall, I just asked him if we should start looking at rings. We found one we both liked and even picked it up together. The ring sat on top of the dresser for over a month before he proposed.
Point being, be subtle but be firm in what you feel you need to do for you. You know your guy best. Be honest most of all but never give ultimatums on what he needs to do but focus on you and what you feel is best for you. Let him talk and express any concerns he may have.
If you can’t have open communication and talk about the future, then I think that is a relationship with no future. The man you want to spend the rest of your life with, would be more than willing to talk about where he would like it to go. Even if it’s not what you want to hear. Be adult, say ok I respect how you feel and start making decisions.
Have a talk. Let us know. You can do it.
Post # 14
If you go into a relationship waving around the, “Don’t you know what I SACRIFICED for you?!” banner, you’re going to have a bad time.
You didn’t sacrifice anything. You simply moved to a new chapter of your life, which you did because you presumably love him. It comes off as really bitchy when you go, “I gave up my family for you. I gave up my home for you.” You wouldn’t appreciate it if he started talking to you like that.
Talk to him, like a reasonable human being about your wants for the relationship. Two years is just about the time you start warming up to the idea. Just because you’re ready doesn’t mean he is, and if you need to holy crap get married right this second, you’re probably in for a bad day.
Do not bring up self sacrifice. That is something you chose to do because you wanted to be with him. You were not (presumably) forced or coersed. If he knew you were going to throw it in his face when he didn’t propose fast enough, he would have never entered into a relationship with you.
Talk to him about your wants. Do not issue ultimatums. Just talk. If you don’t like what you hear, just be an adult and respect that it’s what he thinks and feels. If this is the man for you, and the one you will marry, you’ll both take exactly the right amount of time you need to get married.
There is no rush. Marriage isn’t a race, there isn’t fireworks at the finish line. You’re not going to have anything more than what you have right this moment. Stop worrying about a proposal and bathe in the love of a man who adores you.
Post # 15
sharksgrl99: thank you for sharing your story!! I’ve done my best not to give ultimatums, I dont want him to feel foreced at all. It was just by the way we talked before it was going to happen a lot sooner. But I have to keep telling myself… I would rather be happy not married than miserable and married with the wrong guy… the waiting game is no fun, but worth it…thank you for helping me realize that!!