(Closed) Am I the only one?

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
329 posts
Helper bee
  • V
  • 9 years ago

1. Who’s paying?

2. How old are you?

3. Weddings where you want to include family need COMPROMISES.

If your family has the ‘FI asks the father’ tradition…you need to give in. It doesn’t really matter that you want their ‘permission’ or not…they considered that disrespecful period. She might still resent that and is not too late to work it out.

This is where compromising works…sure, is not your thing but it’s your mom’s thing and your dad’s thing. If you need their help you need to ask the right way. My FI asked me first but I knew he should’ve asked my mom…I had him ask her even after he had asked me…she was a bit dissapointed he didn’t do it in the right order but happy that he did ask…she got over it and now she’s my #1 helper.

If your mom can’t get over that fact and you want her there…you need to give in. Have a dinner with your parents apologize for not asking first and ask for their ‘approval’. That way your mom can’t say you didn’t try or that you disrespected them because even if it’s late…you did it!

I asked your age and who’s paying because it adds to the stress. If you’re too young, asking for money AND not following tradition, you have many things working against you.

Good Luck!

Post # 4
Member
687 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

I agree with V. You guys should just give in and have your FI ask your dad, even if its a little late.  Then see what happens with your mom.  She may change her attitude, or maybe not but at least you took an extra step towards their direction.  Some moms just aren’t into helping for a wedding.

For example, my mother gave me and Mr. Contrary a huge gift of money (she’s basically paying for more than half the wedding).  Which is a huge boon to us because now we can afford a lot more than our original measly budget. 

However, I tried to take my mother wedding dress shopping and she wasn’t too excited about the whole deal.  Even her dress she’s kind of choosing for something plainer than what I would like to see her in.  She makes up so many excuses whenever I ask her to accompany me to reception venues, florists, etc.  So its really disappointing for me too but I refuse to dwell in that too much because this really should be the most exciting times in our lives, planning for a wedding!  I am not dwelling too because I have super excited friends and Aunts who are constantly helping me on the weekends, so they’ve taken over the position that a typical Mother would!

So i would suggest to make good use of your friends, or if you have any other close relatives for that extra support.

Good luck to you! 

Post # 5
Member
1238 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2008

I agree with the two posters above.  Do you still live at home?  Because, if you do I strongly suggest you either give in and work this out or move out and not push to include your family.  If moving out is not an option then you need to make peace with your mom and dad.

 Good luck.

Post # 6
Member
275 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2009 - Harbison Chapel & The Maple Lane Farm

Hi SaraBMarried.  I’m so sorry your mother is being so difficult.  Would it make a difference if your FI asked for permission now?  I would say you are not alone.  During my mom’s sophmore year of college, she met my dad, who is 8 years older, and a few months later they were engaged and she dropped out of college (bc he had a good job and could support them).  Her parents were so against the wedding, I’m guessing he didn’t ask for permission but I know he wouldn’t have gotten it if he did.  They didn’t help with the wedding which was postponed something like a year for them to come around, and they didn’t attend the wedding.  It wasn’t until they had me and my sibling that they came around and now they regret it.  There must be something underlying that bothers your mother. Whatever it is, if you and your FI are truly happy together she will come around.  Maybe not intime for the wedding, but eventually.  Good luck!

Post # 7
Member
164 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2009

Have you ever thought of a destination wedding (obviously whatever your budget allows) or a small private ceremony with those who do support you around?

I hate that your parents are not being supportive… but parents always have a reason to be that way. I’m sure the don’t approve because you are so young, and even though it may seem silly to you… they see asking their blessing as a sign of respect.

If you cant sit down and work things out with your parents, and I really hope that you can, I would think about going away for the wedding. Even if your mother does show up to the wedding.. her lack of enthusiasm and distaste for the whole event will make you miserable… Then the only memory you will have of the special day is that your parents didn’t want to be there…

Just a thought.. good luck!!!!

Post # 8
Member
398 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2009

As their one and only daughter I think your mother is mostly upset by the fact that the proper traditions have not taken place.  She likely feels like "how can I throw my daughter this beautifule wedding if her fiance didn’t even ask if it was ok for them to marry?"

If you really want her to help, I would say you need to bite the bullet and have your fiance ask.  Its sad that at such a joyous and stressful time that your mother will not help, but she seems really hurt.  If that doesn’t solve the problem then maybe you should have a heart to heart with mom, take her to the mall and just talk, you might find there is more to this picture, personal health, monetary issues, etc.

Good Luck!

Post # 9
Member
813 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

Sorry to hear about this difficult situation. I don’t necessarily think that you HAVE to do what others want you to do. There might be more to this situation than what we read up above- maybe your FI felt extremely uncomfortable asking yoru parents, maybe it isn’t his tradition, etc etc.

Regardless, I think you need to focus on the situation at hand. Perhaps you could have a heart-to-heart with your mom. Explain to her that you are sorry that your FI didn’t ask her first, but that isn’t something that YOU can control. And explain where he is coming from– he doesn’t mean it as any disrespect, he is just not used to that or comfortable with that. Ask her if things would be different if he asked her about it now– after the fact. If she says yes, then maybe that is something to consider. In your heart-to-heart, tell her that you are so sorry that your FI didn’t ask her permission, but that it is tearing you apart to not have her by your side during this important time. Ask her if she thinks, with your sincerest apology, she could overcome that disappointment in order to support you during the wedding. Tell her the TRUTH- that you want her to support you and be a part of it for YOU, not for your dad. Tell her that of all the people in the world, it means the world to you to have HER by your side. And tell her that you wanted to have this conversation with her now, so that in 10 or 15 years when you look back at your wedding planning and notice the absence of your mother, that you didn’t want to regret not doing everything you could to get her to be a part of it. 

Also, perhaps there is more going on. Perhaps she isn’t overjoyed with your FI, or perhaps she is having personal problems and it is hard for her to focus on anything else. There might be more to the situation, so just approach it with an open mind.

If you aren’t comfortable talking to her, perhaps you could write a letter to her. Just make sure that is extremely UN-ACCUSING, and that you are simply asking her to be by your side, and not judgign her or her actions in any way. Maybe write the letter, and then wait a few days (so that you aren’t as emotional) and re-read it before giving it to her, just to be sure!

And if all of that fails, remember that as we grow older, we cannot do everything that our parents want us to do. We can’t continue to live just for our parents. We have to branch out, and start our own lives with our own families. Your parents will always be an important part of your life, but they have to realize that sometimes you are going to have to do what is best for you and your fiance (like maybe not asking permission ahead of time), not what is best for them. Maybe you could remind your mom that she doesn’t make all of her decisions based on what her in-laws think- just like maybe your FI didn’t make his decision based on what your parents (his in-laws-to-be) would think. Instead, your mom focuses on what is best for her and her family, and that is what your FI was doing too.

This seems like such a little thing for your mom to get so caught up in. I can understand that she would be mad, but to not be able to get over it and help you with your wedding is causing you a lot of pain and stress. I think you should give it your best shot to mend things wiht your mom, even if it means being humble and apologizing. Afterall, 10 years from now, you might not remember what it was you said to your mom to apologize, but you will remember her being a part of your wedding planning.

 Good luck! I am hoping for the best for you! I’d love to hear how this all turns out… 

Post # 10
Member
813 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

Eeek, sorry for the length of my response! 

Post # 11
Member
2293 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2008

Just a few thoughts…  your profile says you are 20.  So I guess your FI proposed when you were 18.  While my husband didn’t talk to my father before he proposed to me, I didn’t live at home, and had been supporting myself for years.  So while I can totally sympathize when you say that you think this tradition is old-fashioned (after all, you’re not your parents’ property), it might have been just common courtesy to involve your parents in the decision when still depending on your parents to provide for you. 

Also, speaking as the stepmother of an 18 and a 21-year old, I can tell you that my husband and I would not be happy if either one of them announced that they were getting married – especially if they hadn’t talked to us first.  While I’m sure that both of us would be involved in the wedding planning, we would also be having a lot of serious talks – primarily about how, if you’re enough of an adult to make the decision to get married, you’re also enough of an adult to be financially responsible for yourself.  I think that along with helping you pick out the dress, we would have been helping you move into your own apartment, putting the cell phone and car insurance in your name, and generally transitioning you along to being a full-fledged, self-supporting, bill-paying adult.  (Our position, by the way, is also that the college tuition payments end when the kids get married.  Not that we wouldn’t help out financially, if they chose to continue their education, but at the point where we can’t claim them as dependents on our income tax we don’t intend to provide their primary support – which really just seems fair to us.)

I think you can see where I’m coming from.  I don’t think your mom is being fair.  Refusing to let you wear your ring when she is around, changing her mind over whether she will be involved in the planning – those are just control games, and she’s not acting very mature.  However, I don’t agree with you either – acting as if you don’t have to take their feelings into account while eating their food and living in their house is not fair to them.  Even when you really are completely responsible for yourself, you still have to compromise with your family if you want them to be happily involved in your life.

You say that your dad is "resigned" so it doesn’t sound like either your mom or dad is happy at this point.  And I’m sure that is not what you want as your memory of your wedding.  I am absolutely sure that this is not what you want to hear, but I would just put the wedding plans on hold, until you’ve finished school/gotten a good job (with benefits)/moved out of your parents house and are supporting yourself.  At that point in time, they should be able to see you as an adult, and this may all be easier.  Also at that point, I would strongly consider having your FI go back and formally ask for your hand. 

I’m sure it’s hard to wait another year or so.  But you are both very young, and you have lots of time.  Putting things right with your parents now, if you can, is going to be much easier than starting married life with your relationship with your parents a mess.  They’re not automatically going to "snap out of it" and be happy once you’re married either – and any problems you have, or any help you might need will just tend to justify in their minds that they were right, and you made a huge mistake, and they never should have gone along with it.  Whereas if you can get to a place where they are actually not unhappy with your decision before your get married, I think things will be much better in the long run.

Post # 12
Member
35 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: July 2009

I was going to make a comment along the lines of Suzanno, but I think she put it so perfectly that there is nothing else to say.  I worry that there are underlying issues to your problem, as you are so very young to get married.  I’m 28 and feel I am still young to be getting married!  I encourage you to sit down with both of your parents and have a very serious talk with them about the situation and why they feel the way that they do.  Surely this whole problem isn’t solely based around the fact that your FI didn’t ask their permission first, there is definately something else going on.  I could never in my wildest dreams get married without my parents there and supporting (emottionally, I’m not talking about money) me during the whole process.  I think it’s something you, your FI and your parents will come to regret if things continue they way they are.  Good Luck.

Post # 13
Member
15 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2010

Mariah – well put! I second that opinion

It sounds like your parents dislike your fiance for reasons other than the fact he didn’t ask for their permission to marry you. Had he asked for permission, would their response be the same? It’s none of my business, but I could/would never marry someone my family did not approve of. When I say "approve of", I don’t mean head-over-heels in love with my fiance like I am, but accepting of him; the good and the not so bad. He’s still in college at age 29 (took some time off) and my parents have expressed concerns for our financial future. But they would NEVER disrespect him in front of me or make me or him feel he wasn’t a welcome part of our family. There’s something unsettling about your parents response that you should consider… What’s important to you- getting married come hell or high water or having your family be supportive? For me, hands-down, I’d choose my family.        Best of luck to you and yours!  

      

Post # 14
Member
15 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: May 2009

Hi!

 In order to not give too much detail, let me say this.  I know how you feel on some level.  But, without getting into my history, just make sure that down the road you won’t regret this.  If you and your parents usually get along, then talk to them and tell them how left out you feel.  You should not have to compromise what you want with your wedding, but you may have to wait for it instead (and waiting be the compromise).  I know it is tough to have to plan on your own, but you have to make sure that you are not being as stubborn as they are….

 

 

Post # 15
Member
24 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: January 2012

Sara,

I can sympathize with your situation and honestly hope it all works out. It sounds like the main reason your mom doesn’t want to help out is because she feels betrayed… to people our age (19) silly old traditions are not high on the priority list…but it sounds like to your parents it is. I agree with the other bees that having a sit down and (*sarcastic voice*) ughh apologizing, may seem like the worst thing in the world but in fact would be in my opinion the mature and adult way to turn around this situation that is obviously bumming you out and upsetting everyone. My FI and I met in highschool as well and have been very commited to each other since meeting. We moved out together after graduation and moved 3hrs away from our families for me to attend college. It has been a big eye opening experience to live together and I would reccomend doing so before getting married. Tradition says you don’t live together before marriage but if you are engaged most people don’t consider it really "living in sin". You can’t really know everything about a person until you live together and you can’t even know yourself really until you live on your own (out of your parents house). My Mr. and I have grown so much as a couple and people since embarking on our own and I think that experience has put us in a better place to be together and prepare for marriage. Life isn’t always rose colored and you may find that being on your own and being with your FI or new Husband isn’t the same as you expected while living at your parents. I hope you can work this out and find a solution to keep your relationship strong with your parents. It sounds like your FI is very supportive and that is something you will need regardless of if your mom ends up helping or not. Again, let me suggest living together before the wedding…take it from someone on the other side. My family didn’t immeditely accept my FI or the idea of us living together but once we were on our own a lot of that changed because we were living our own life, not our life within our parents house. Good luck Sara and I would love to know what comes of this… sry I made this so long!

Post # 16
Member
193 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

I’m not in the exact same predicament as you…  but my parents both have been very hard to deal with through my wedding planning. I thought my mom would be so excited to do all this wedding planning, but she has done nothing except one cake tasting. She never seems interested, and doesn’t ever ask me about what’s going on. We aren’t very close, but still, you want your mom to be there with you through all these big decisions. In the end, your mom needs to get over the past and be happy for her daughter. For her daughter to get married with this lingering over her shoulders, is childish. You need to sit down with her and really talk about all your emotions through your engagement and wedding planning. If you don’t mend your relationship now, you may never.

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