Am I the only one?! Childfree by Choice in my 20s

posted 2 years ago in Married Life
  • poll: Have you ever been told that when you "grow up" you will want kids?
    Yes : (72 votes)
    81 %
    No : (17 votes)
    19 %
  • Post # 2
    Member
    602 posts
    Busy bee

    Live the life that you want to live and fuck the haters. Some parents just cannot fathom their lives without their children and they think that everyone should experience the same… whatever it is that they experience. Truth is, some people just shouldn’t reproduce. If you ask me, you’re SIGNIFCANTLY smarter than some parents who have a kid just because they think they’re supposed to and then they end up neglecting him or her. Not everyone is meant to be a parent. As far as I’m concerned, the more people who choose to remain childfree the better. There should totally be a tax credit for those who don’t create lives that drain on the limited resources of this planet. 

    Post # 3
    Member
    579 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: July 2015

    I can honestly say, and no offense intended, I’m glad you don’t want kids. People like you shouldn’t have them. They’d be nothing more than in the way for you. Kids are definitely not disposable (loved your ‘too late for adoption” comment, BTW). But most importantly, you realize what you are, and are not capable of, and you’re not afraid to admit it.

    Good for you!

    Post # 4
    Member
    8071 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: September 2015

    People change their minds about kids all the time. 24 is super young so yeah, it wouldn’t be unheard of for you to change your tune at 30. But regardless, I wouldnt expect most people to understand your viewpoint, so just smile and nod and go ahead with your life as you want. 

    Post # 5
    Member
    297 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: November 2014

    I’ve never been told that I’ll want kids “when I grow up”, but more that I will want kids “later down the track” in general terms and how much joy children bring blah blah. I don’t see how being vomited and pooed on is joyful. So FI and I are definitely in the same mindset as you. We don’t know how to interact well with children, and I don’t want to be responsible for raising one to be a socially responsible adult. I saw this meme the other day that went along the lines of “Ever had a job with no previous experience, no on-the-job training and you couldn’t quit? That’s parenting!” That sounds like an AWFUL idea, very risky for everyone involved; WHY would anyone do it? Not to mention losing your freedom, time, money and energy like you said. Call it selfish, but I’d rather save my money for a nice holiday than spend it on a child we don’t need or want. One of my other reasons for not wanting children is that the world is already overpopulated and I’d rather not contribute to that.

    The only babies in our household will be fur babies 🙂 Dogs are way cuter than babies anyway.

    Post # 6
    Member
    432 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: December 2014

    I’m also 24, and will be 25 when I marry later this year. This topic actually came up in marriage counseling, when I firmly told my pastor that I wasnt planning on getting pregnant for at least 5 years, and then we would see…Let’s just say he smiled and laughed in my face knowingly lol. I didn’t take offense, as I know he is just accounting for all the cultural pressures of having children. However, I tried to point out, that logically, it just may not make sense to try for a child before then. I feel like I need those years to relax, enjoy time with the hubby, travel, pay down my school loans…I don’t want to bring a child into my current chaos lol. Who knows, maybe my plans and ideas will change once we are married and much more settled, but I’m not banking on it…

     

    <br />Anyways, good for you for knowing where you stand. I think it takes a lot of courage to buck the status quo and do what works best for your marriage. Its ok to change your mind later on, but its ok to not change your mind as well. No one should feel pressured into bringing a child into this world if they are not “all in” financially, emotionally and physically.

    • This reply was modified 2 years, 3 months ago by  .
    Post # 7
    Member
    1236 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: June 2014 - San Francisco, CA

    No kids here! I have friends who want kids, and that’s great for them. I will throw them one heck of a baby shower. I have a friend who wants to move to Portland and keep bees – good for him, too. Conforming to people’s expectations isn’t necessary for a meaningful life, and all choices are equally valid, whether it’s kids, no kids, Big Brother/Big Sister, or just moving to the country to raise poodles.

    One of the ways I realized my DH was “the one” was that we share our view of children – don’t want ’em. Ever. Period. Too many people get married hoping their spouse will change, and it only leads to heartbreak. We don’t feel the need to justify this decision to anyone outside our immediate families. Luckily, we live in an area where a lot of people don’t have big families, but we’ve still caught flack. How presumptuous/obnoxious is it when the little old lady in the grocery store tells you “Oh you say that now, but you’ll change!” I’d never go up to a friend excited to TTC and say “Well, you think you like babies now, but you’ll snap out of it sooner or later, thank God.” Just ignore people who don’t agree with you and live your life. Your day-to-day existence will not be impacted on iota by people who have opinions about your maturity. It’s not worth the emotional energy of getting worked up about. The dogs will bark, but the caravan moves on, right?

    Post # 8
    Member
    2580 posts
    Sugar bee

    I am 28 and SO is 33 and we have been decided for a long time no kids for us 🙂

    Post # 9
    Member
    1158 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: June 2014

    ChantelleC90:  I find those “oh, you’ll change your mind when you’re older comment so curious because I find myself experiencing the exact oppositie phenomenon. When I was younger (high school/college age) I was always SURE I wanted kids. In fact, at 25 when I started dating my (now) husband (and to all men I dated during the years before then) I made it very clear very early on (third date or so) I wanted to be a mother someday and staying home with the kids was extremely important to me, so if that was something he didn’t agree with or didn’t feel he would be able to support that then we were probably not a good match. No harm done.

    However, 5 years later, I find that the more and more I grow into myself and my life and discover who I really am and what I really want out of life, the less I want to jostle it up by adding kids to the mix. The happier I become the less I feel the need to introduce such a large change (or everlasting and ongoing set of changes that will never cease to keep coming in one form or another, I should say). As my life feels more full and more ripe with…. possibility? for lack of better words, having kids becomes more and more distant.

    I still kind of HOPE that there comes a time where we both feel a child is the next step, but for the first time I feel it may not be and I am ok with it.

    I do agree that many (not ALL) who are super aggressive with their crusade to convince anyone and everyone that they MUST have a child is often also the type completely obsessed with their own children, as a PP said. I have watched women with vibrant personalities all but disappear and leave behind a mom-shaped shell of their former selves. I am all for putting your children first and doing everything in one’s power to give them the best life possible — but so many take it way too far and make their kids literally their entire world.

    These people simply cannot accept that anyone else could be happy and ok without a kid. To each her own, but as a child of one such ‘obsessed’ mother, let me be the first to say these people may not be doing their children nearly the favor they have convinced themselves they are doing.

    I think others have just had such a good experience with motherhood that they don’t want you to “miss out,” and mean well.

    However, the bottom line is that having children or not is incredibly personal and it blows my mind that it’s even socially acceptable for people to comment on your response in such a way. In my opinion, people shouldn’t even ask unless the other person brought it up herself. I usually just say “I am focused on other things at the moment” since no one can really argue with such a benign response.

    There is no right or wrong choice here and you should not be made to feel like there is ANYthing wrong with yours. I don’t even consider it selfish. You are in NO WAY obligated to reproduce and it’s ridiculous to suggest living your life the way you choose is immature.

    Post # 10
    Member
    4043 posts
    Honey bee

    ChantelleC90:  DH and I are honestly very undecided on this topic. I am 26 and he is almost 28. We have been together for 11 years, married for 1 year, and we love our lives with just us and our two dogs. I have “moments” of baby fever (that last about 5 minutes) when I see a cute child, but then I cringe and think about all the poopy diapers, countless bills, childcare costs and pangs of parenting. 

    We both work at middle school and see children at their worst, literally (puberty is a really ugly thing). Don’t get me wrong, they can be wonderful little human beings, but they can be really mean, onery kids too. Needless to say, it’s a great form of birth control 🙂

    So, the jury is still out on our decision. IF we decide to have children, it wouldn’t be for another 5 years or so. We change our minds daily, but neither of us have a strong opinion either way…which just leaves us in limbo. It works for us though because we would be happy either way.

    A few people have said, “Oh you will want them when you are older,” but not many. I have actually had many relatives think I will never have children because I can be really sarcastic about misbehaving little kids, though I really have a soft spot for them (hence working in education), even for the toughest, worst behaved ones.

    Post # 11
    Member
    1016 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: August 2014

    polyblonde:  Aah my exact experience right down to at the age of 24 or 25! Telling my then boyfriend now husband that it was very important to me to start a family within the next few years (haha!!) and now the more fulfilled I feel in other aspects of my life, the less I want children. Right now I’m very excited for the future and the freedom I’ll have to pursue a certain lifestyle without kids, but I’m sure I’ll swing back to wanting kids at some point, if only just the odd spells of “baby fever.”

    However either way, knowing now how to the weight off my own shoulders to experience parenting is SO freeing. I used to think that being a parent would be the only way I could be happy and it really caused me a lot of anxiety. 

    Post # 12
    Member
    425 posts
    Helper bee

    My sister is 35 and been married for 7 years. She and her husband have always said they don’t want kids, and nothing about that has changed. I’ve witnessed her get all kinds of flack (largely from our mom), including a comment about how her husband will eventually leave her for someone younger who wants kids and how her husband “must want kids.” My mom brings it up almost every time she sees my sister now that she’s in her mid-thirties (shockingly, my sister hasn’t bitch slapped her. yet).  There are a lot of mothers out there who simply cannot fathom that as a woman you wouldn’t want kids. I totally get the no kids thing, and no you won’t necessarily ever change your mind once you “mature.” Just be prepared for a lot of judgey comments and pressure from relatives in your future because so many people don’t get it. 

    Post # 13
    Member
    852 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: June 2014

    Sorry, but I’m confused about your comment here:

    I also worry too much about having a child with something wrong, perhaps even something going wrong during delivery or later, at the point of 2 years old and you find out theres something wrong with your kid it is too late for the adoption option then. 

    I’m not sure if you meant to come off this way, but it sounds pretty bad and could be offensive to some people.

    Post # 14
    Member
    1111 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: May 2015

    Yup, we’re not married yet, but FI and I hear this ALL the time. I’ve had the same mindset for 10 years now.  We have a niece, and we’re super happy with just that.  I don’t have time or patience for kids. Not to mention money! I love travelling and want to travel the world.

    It is definitely frustrating but all you can do is politely tell them you two have your mind made up.

    Post # 15
    Member
    667 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: June, 2014

    I actually did/maybe do want kids. But now I’m working with preschool kids and it’s pretty much the best birth control ever. We’re pretty sure we want kids in the next 3-5 years or so, but I’m not ashamed to tell people we’re still deciding and we definitely don’t want them right away. This is apparently weird for our area, and we get a side eye from in-laws who think it’s our duty to procreate ASAP, but I’m more than happy to wait before giving my life away to a little energy/time/money/space sucker. 

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