- 5 years ago
- Wedding: October 2010
OK, this is going to be kind of a weird post, and it might come accross that I’m being judgmental, but I’m really not, I’m just feeling so conflicted.
Here is the background- I have an 18 month old, who I love to death. I was upfront from the start that I wanted multiple kids, husband didn’t have much to say about it at the time. On his suggestion, we stopped birth control. I think this was more to make me happy than his deep desire for a child. He showed almost 0% interest in my pregnancy. When she was born, I am sure he loved her, but he wasn’t interested in cuddling with her or anything. He seemed like he was making excuses or making up chores to do so he wouldn’t have to take care of her. Everything fell to me. When she was 10 weeks old, I went back to work. He was laid off (he is every year Dec-March) and he stayed home with our baby. The minute I walked in the door in the evening, and every weekend, it was 100% me, because he needed a break. That meant no break for me. She started daycare at 6 months and once that happened, he wouldn’t do a thing with her. If I asked him to help, he would say “I spent the last 4 months doing it all (lie). I’ve done my part”. We have no family locally, and no friends to babysit. I got a break once every other month when my mom would come to town (she lives 5 hours away). He denies it, but this is really how it was. He’d spend 15 min playing with her on Sat morning, then hand her back to me. When I asked him to spend more time with her so I could get some stuff done, he’d say, I was with her all morning. Seriously. It’s like he had no concept of time. Also, he would frequently watch me with her and tell me I was doing things wrong. He didn’t offer to help- his idea of “helping” was criticizing. Anyways, there are other reasons, but this post is already longer than I wanted. The gist is, I was so burnt out that first year, and I don’t think I could do it again.
I desperately want another baby, but I don’t want to go through a year like 2011-2012 again. I just don’t think I can. It wouldn’t be fair for our daughter or the new baby. Husband is much more helpful now, but I can’t forget how it was that year.
So, here is my issue, and thank you for those that are still reading. I currently know of 4 couples expecting their second (or third, or in one case, 5th) child. All situations are what I would consider less than ideal. This is not me judging people for choices that are 100% theirs to make, and have no impact on me, this is just me wondering how they are able to do it when I struggle. The first couple met 16 months ago. She is currently pregnant with their SECOND baby. (She conceived the first time on maybe the second or third date). When their baby was 5 months old, she got pregnant again. Also, she has three kids from a previous marriage. Couple #2 has been married awhile and have a 3 year old. However, he is military and doesn’t live at home, (he lives on a base and commutes home every other weekend), so she is basically a single mother most of the time, with no local family. Couple #3 have two kids, live paycheck to paycheck, and rely on her mother to babysit for free 20-30 hours a week. If she was not willing, I really don’t know what they’d do. Couple #4 are married, work full time, and have an 11 month old. Their children will be about 15 months apart. However, they work opposite schedules, which saves on daycare, but means one parent is generally alone with the kids most times.
A few of the above scenarios may have been more of an oops than a well thought out plan, but all the parents are excited and happy. Am I the only one who finds motherhood extremely overwhelming? Am I a wuss? Most of these women will be doing it alone, or under extremely stressful circumstances. As badly as I want another baby, we have postponed indefinitely and I can’t imagine being in their shoes. My husband says I’m being way dramatic and having a kid isn’t that hard. If the above couples can overcome their challenges and do it, why does it seem like such a struggle to me?