Post # 1
I recently began dating someone (a few weeks) who is kind of new to my area. We hit it off right away and have developed some feelings for each other. We get along great, have wonderful conversations, and have a lot in common. The other day, before our date, he called and wanted to talk before me coming by. I called and he told me that he had a girlfriend back in his hometown. He only recently entered into a relationship with her (while we’ve been dating). He stated that they have been friends and had previously had a relationship but things didnt work out. Their relationship is “open” and he wants to continue to see me and her consecutively. He said that he truly did care for me and has a lot of feelings for me and they wouldnt be seeing each other much because she owned a home in his out of state hometown and had no intention on moving closer to him and he had no desire to go back to his hometown (and cant for at least 2 years). He did tell me that I was the only person he was seeing locally and that he wanted it to stay that way, but he did want to maintain his relationship with his hometown honey.
On one hand, I was completely pissed. I felt very lied to and even though we’re not committed, I didnt like the thought of being “the other woman”. On top of that, he began this relationship while seeing me, so I felt like maybe I wasnt enough.
And on the other hand, he didnt have to tell me anything about this relationship. Because we dont see each other really but on weekends, he couldve easily carried on this relationship without my knowing. He wouldnt stand to gain/lose anything by not telling me which convinces me has feelings and a conscience and cares about my feelings.
I do want to continue to see him but am afraid we wont ever be able to have a committed relationship. I like him a lot and despite this hiccup, I could really see something in us. I dont know what to do…
Post # 3
I think it depends on what you are looking for. It sounds like you’re looking to find a committed relationship, and if that’s the case then this seems like a recipe for hurt. He will eventually have to choose between the two of you. Imagine you spent the next couple of years seeing him and then he decided to move back to be with “her”. I think it would be devastating. Personally I would move on now and find someone who has the same goals as me.
Post # 4
I don’t see what the point of the hometown girl is. If he lives where you live and will be living there for the next few years, when is he going to see her? Feels a little weird to me. Like he wants to have his cake and eat it too.
If you aren’t committed, you can’t really be mad, but you might want to feel him out and find out if he would be interested in a committed relationship in the future. If he isn’t and you want one, then drop him. If you are ok with things the way they are or he does want a committed relationship at some point, then continue on. I just know I couldn’t be happy in something like that (been there!) because I’d always feel like I needed to compete with some unknown girl.
Just my two cents…
Post # 5
If you want a committed relationship eventually – walk away. There will be other amazing men that don’t feel the need to double dip. I agree with the other posters, eventually he will be in a position where he will have to choose and it’s just asking for hurt and complication. I’m glad he was honest with you. Because you’re right. He didn’t have to tell you. But he did. I just get the feeling from what you’ve written that you are both looking for different types of relationships. I know it’s not an easy decision. But in the long run you’d be better off, unless you are ok with having him see another woman while he’s seeing you.
Post # 6
It sounds like you’re not interested in the casual thing that he’s looking for.
How are you going to feel when (not if) he goes back to his hometown to visit his parents or someone? You know he’s going to see her while he’s there, and therefore, he’s not going to bring you because he already has her there. And you can’t really be mad about it because he told you about her upfront.
Also, are you sleeping with him (or will you be in the future)? Because he’ll probably be sleeping with her too, when he’s in his hometown. And it won’t be a committed relationship because he has another girl that you know about on the side.
If you two decide you want a committed relationship in the future, it will probably be a difficult transition because of this other girl. You may have a hard time believing him if he tells you he cut it off with her and you may have persisting hurt feelings about the whole situation (competition, being left behind during his trips home, etc).
He doesn’t seem like a bad guy because he did tell you upfront, but if you stay with him, you’re saying that this is ok and probably not just for the time being. If you’re not sure that you are and will be ok with this for the foreseeable future, I’d tell him that you appreciate his honesty and that you two are not looking for the same things.
Post # 7
I agree with all the other PPs. I couldn’t handle knowing I was competing with another girl. And just a question…do you think he was being completely honest that their relationship is “open”? Like you said, he didn’t have to tell you, but he did. And he won’t be visiting his hometown for the next few years? Is he just saying that? (not trying to burst your bubble or anything, just curious)
Post # 8
Sounds like trouble.
I think the only reason why I wouldn’t be furious is because it’s early on and it’s someone he has a history with.
However, I would not continue to date him, I think the best I’d be able to do is offer friendship until he figures things out.
Post # 9
Sounds like a toxic situation that can only lead to hurt feelings and Save-The-Date Cards. I’d move on if it were me.
Post # 10
He has been honest with you and flat out told you what type of relationships (plural) he has interest in. (and he may be interested in more, he’s just at two right now) Be honest with yourself and acknowledge that his plans are not at all your plans and like other posters have stated – this is a recipe for disaster.
Post # 11
I don’t think he’s done anything wrong, but I’m also not sure you should keep seeing him. It sounds like you never had “The Talk” about being exclusive. I always feel like a relationship is not exclusive until both parties agree it’s exclusive – I’m not going to stop going out on dates with other people just because I went on a couple of good dates with one dude. I don’t see you saying anything about being misled.
But it does sound like has no intention of going exclusive and that’s not going to work for you. It sounds like if it does work for you in the short term, it’s because you see it going somewhere more serious. I think that’s a recipe for getting hurt. If you enjoy spending time with him but are up for something not-so-serious (and maybe want to see other guys as well and see what develops there), then there’s nothing wrong with continuing to see him. But – big but here – I don’t think that’s what you want, and I think you’re going to end up in a bad situation if you say you’re okay with casual dating when you’re secretly hoping to yourself that he suddenly wants to get serious.
Post # 12
If I remember correctly you have a young baby. If it was just you then you can do whatever you want… If you’re OK with an open relationship then that’s fine. But if there’s a baby in the picture then you know this is not the right thing for her.
Post # 13
It sounds like your gut is telling you it’s not right.
Post # 14
I agree with the other Bees that this is a recipe for trouble and hurt. Eventually he will have to choose and just imagine the hurt you would feel a few months (or years) down the line if he chose her over you.
Post # 15
He wants to have his cake and eat it too. Unless you’re only interested in a physical/casual relationship (nothing wrong with that) I’d give him the boot. If you want something a bit more serious it shouldn’t be with someone who sees other people unless it’s a lifestyle decision you are both comfortable with.
Post # 16
Ick. It sounds to me like he’s just interested in using you and isn’t planning on any type of committed relationship. I wouldn’t even consider continuing a relationship in that situation, if I were you.