(Closed) Am I too trusting?

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
376 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

Oh, honey. This is horrible. My stomach literally turned over when you said “I know they are going to have sex.” I can’t even imagine my FI having sex with another girl, under any circumstance. It makes me ill.  

Where does your engagement stand in all of this? Is it broken off? Is he still living with you? 

I worry that still having sex, texting and seeing him all the time is allowing him to have his cake and eat it too. If y’all are taking a break, shouldn’t you stop these things? Why do you want to date another guy?

I’m sorry you’re dealing with all this – I’m at a loss as to what to say to you 🙁

Post # 4
Member
376 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I’m also worried that having sex and/ or casually dating this girl (who he is obviously friends with) is going to cause even more trouble in your relationship. If he doesn’t want a relationship, he probably shouldn’t casually date a girl who is already a friend. 

Post # 6
Member
1177 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

I could never be okay with this! I agree, I think he just wants to have his cake and eat it too. I think for the sake of your emotional health, you should just break it off 100%. It seems like he just knows you’re willing to wait while he sleeps with other women and “gets it out of his system.” If he’s sure about you, he won’t feel the need to sleep with other women. You need to find someone who loves and appreciates ALL of you. He is being so disrespectful by keeping you hanging by a thread while he feels “single.”

This isn’t going to turn out well.

Post # 7
Member
18 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: March 2012

I don’t really know what to tell you. I was in a similar situation with my daughter’s father. (not my fiance) I agreed to alot of things that I never thought I would, just because I thought it would help our relationship but now when  I look back, I regret wasting my time with him and allowing him to degrade me in so many ways.
 My advice is that you need to follow your heart and your mind. Don’t accept anything your not comfortable with. Your already doubting your decision to accepting him going on this so called “break” so follow your instinct. Are you really okay with him having sex with someone else? If your still living together and doing “couple” things then don’t let him cover it up by saying that it’s okay because your on a “break”.

I hope everything works out the way you want it to and if you ever need to talk, message me.

Post # 8
Member
2398 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

Oh, honey.  No.  Just… No.

This is not good.

I think it’s great that you’ve made such an effort to understand where he’s coming from and to accomodate his needs, but he’s being unreasonable.  Expecting you to just hang out while he does his thing and sleeps with other people is unfair.

And of course things seem better right now.  He gets exactly what he wants all the dang time! 

ETA:  I understand from your posts that you two live together.  But since he’s not working, he’s presumably not contributing to the financial well-being of the house?  Which would mean that he’s living with you (and your son/daughter) rent free and eating your food while simultaneously carrying on with other ladies?

That’s not just a no.  That’s a HELL NO.

Post # 9
Member
838 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Im sorry your dealing with this,and I would have had the same victory dance and reaction that you had.BUT if he does want to go back to your engagement (which sounds like he does,telling you not to sell the ring) then I would tell him that been as he doesnt want you to sell the ring,he doesnt get to see this other girl/sleep with her. Its not fair that he is keeping you dangling like that hunni, and I think hes having his cake and eating it. I would seriously sit down and tell him exactly how you feel about him spending time with this other girl.

You are still in a relationship with this man,your both in contact,you both love each other,and you both are going to go back to being engaged some day.Him sleeping with somebody else is waaay outta line and pushing the boundries of you guys being on a “break” He wants you but doesnt want a relationship just right now,yet he is getting all the benefits of one without any repurcussions.

I hope you manage to get your thoughts togther and figure this out hun,all the best

xx

Post # 10
Member
1876 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

Are you living together? If he isn’t working does that mean you pay all the bills? Bc if that’s the case, I think he might be using you honey. He doesn’t want to officially end things bc that means he’d be out on the street. So he’s leading you on to think you guys will end up together. This guy is immature, selfish, and doesn’t want to be your husband. I’m sorry if that’s harsh – but you need to move on and put him behind you.

Post # 11
Member
390 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

@Am I Naive: I hate to say it but in your own words you are “being fucking stupid right now to even allow this”.

He is getting his bills paid. He is getting great sex from you. He is playing on the xbox. You are no longer nagging him. And now he is going to go around town fucking whatever female he lays eyes on. Kick his ass out. You are not engaged.

If another woman told you “yeah my live in fiance is going to go have sex with a bunch of girls while I wait at home and continue to take care of him” would you not want to slap her?

I may sound harsh, but you are totally letting him use you and it makes me angry and sick. Please do the right thing and kiss his butt to the curb.

Wishing you the best,

Ms. Polar Bear

Post # 12
Member
2392 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

It sounds like you’re not really acting like you’re on a break, but in his mind you are.  I don’t think you can really get the distance that you need while still living together.  He’s getting the distance he needs because he’s able to get the benefits of being single and the benefits of being coupled.  Maybe he’s even hurting himself emotionally from it, but your business is to look out for you.  I think you need to map out different scenarios for yourself.  What happens if he sleeps with someone else?  If you go out on that date and really like the guy?  I think it’s possible to go on a break and get back together, but I don’t think it’s possible to go on a break if in your mind you’re still going to be monogamous.  You’re putting yourself in a position to get hurt. 

ETA – I think that if he wants a break, you should give it to him, but you can’t let him live with you.  In the event his motives aren’t good, it’s letting him take advantage of you and in the event that he really does just want space to feel young and single, he’s not getting it if you live together.

Post # 13
Member
838 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Just read your update and that your still sleeping together.No.way.The man is taking advantage and taking you on a ride,in months or years to come when you sort things out,would you REALLY be ok with being with him when you know he slept with another girl whilst still sleeping with you?????he is beyond taking the piss hun,and you are worth sooo much better than that

x

Post # 14
Member
7431 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

Wow. Ok, here’s my story. Hubs and I started out as friends with benefits. We had both just gotten out of very long, serious relationships, so we thought this would be the best thing. Then, he caught feelings, but I wasn’t ready. After a whle, I caught feelings, but I guess he wanted to be an ass and tell me he didn’t. Things went on like that for a while, with the back and forth and the dating other people, and then when we were together, we’d fight and have sex, and that was the extent of what we did together. FInally, I had had enough. The last fight was my breaking point. I grabbed all my stuff, and told him I was done. I was in love with him and ready to spend my life with him, but if he wasn’t ready, I wasn’t waiting anymore.  It took 3 days of no contact from me for him to realize I was serious, and then he begged me to come over, and I finally did. He told me he was terrfied of this being it, but if it was be with me forever or lose me forever, then we would be together. And we have.

So, my point is – its all or nothing. You don’t deserve this mental torture. Tell him if he isn’t ready to be with you now, then he doesn’t deserve to be with you later. Then walk away.  For better or worse, you will get your answer.

If nothing else, STOP HAVING SEX WITH HIM!!!! You are letting him have his cake and eat it too…

Post # 15
Member
7431 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

@Ms. Polar Bear: what she said. damn I wish I would have said this!!

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