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My fiance and I have been together since right after I graudated high school and were best friends before that. I am now 21. I feel that we have something very special since we were so close even before we fell in love. I have been in a relashionship before but it never got seriouse. Even though my fiance is my first real relashionship I know he is the one for me and nobody could ever make me as happy as he does. The only thing is that when people find we are ready to get married they say we are too young. I tell them how sure I am that we will spend the rest of our lives together and they say, "That is what I said too." And they either regret their marriage or are divorced. I know people in thier late teens, early tweenties are still changing and growing and can want different things when they grow up. But i know how I feel and I love him more than anything in the world. I don't ever see me growing into a person who wants different things than I have now. I know I do not have a lot of life experience but I feel that everything I want to do, I can do as a married young women. Any advice?
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Don't be influenced by other people! Only you and your FI can determine when you're ready to get married! People will always judge (too old, too young, too rich, too poor, etc.) no matter what you choose to do! Even if the skeptics say their marriage didn't work out b/c they were too young, that was them and there could have been other factors too!
I say congratulations and have fun proving them wrong!
Without knowing you, knowing your relationship, knowing your maturity, it is really hard to say! I never would have been ready for marriage at 21, I had too much to do and wouldn't have been ready to settle down that young, and wouldn't have known who I was then. On the other hand, my older brother met the love of his life when he was 19. They were engaged at 21 and married at 22. They had two kids, have been married for 12 years now and are so happy and have a really strong marriage. He was ready to get married & settle down. If you feel like you guys have what it takes and are ready, then go for it!
For what it's worth, I'm 26 and people say the same things to me too -- "You're too young," "It won't work out" -- I think people are just cynical.
I've known three couples that got married around 22, and of the three, one has divorced; the other two are going strong. If you really want to quiet the naysayers, maybe you could do a round of premarital counseling just to reinforce your resolve in their eyes.
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My little brother started dating his wife when they were 17. They are now 26 and still happyily in love. They did wait to get married until 1.5 years ago but I think they waited for monetary reasons and because of school / military duties. They have lived together / owned a house together since they were about 20.
It doesn't work for everyone.. a lot of people can't make it, but that doesn't mean that you will fall into that category. The statistics on staying married aren't good no matter how old you are. so as long as you realize that marriage is a lot of work and that you can never give up (it's a full time job) than you are ahead of the group.
Good luck!
nik nu - age is just a #. I just turned 22 and am also getting married in October of this year. My fiance will be 24 in June. I got engaged when I was 20 and that was only after 9 months of dating. Yes things moved fast but when you "know".. you "just know". We chose a longer engagement and wanted to get things just right. We are moving in together May 1st and can't wait to fulfill everything we have planned.
When I came back to work from a weekend vacation engaged; the reviews were sour. I was soo angry about how people could be so rude and say things like "you're to young" or "r u kidding me, what do you parents think" or just laugh... you can see it in people's eyes that they are already placing bets on when "things will fall apart".
Now I just bat my eyes and smile and say... "guess everyone can't be as lucky as me". I matured very quickly and always said "i'm NEVER getting married". For me to have found someone to change that opinion, made me realize he's the one.
Do what's in your heart and not what people are putting in your head.
sending my love - Kristen
I got married at 22, divorced at 23, but that is by no way a judgement on you. Just make sure you know how serious marriage is. I didn't, and that's where it failed. Marriage is a lot of hard work and sacrifice. The best couples often work the hardest at it. If you guys can do that, awesome! I think that a lot of people feel that the early twenties are too young to be married because a lot of young people aren't very mature. And the younger you are, the less stable you tend to be, and the less stable you are, the more a couple tends to argue and disagree. (Over money, housing, school, time, whatever.) As others said though, it's your relationship and your own lives that determine whether you'll be good together. I've read different things that say that our brains are still developing well in to our mid twenties, and that the biggest judgements are best left until then. But this isn't a research study, it's your life, and your life is different from anyone else's. My best advice is to just make sure you've thought everything through and that you're well aware of the ramifications of spending your life with another human who is different than you, has different thoughts, different feelings, and possibly can be annoying or difficult to be with at times. Weigh the benefits and work on the issues (if you have any) before you tie the knot :)
I'm in a similar situation. My fiance and I met and became friends in 10th grade, but didn't start dating until the end of our freshman year in college. He's dating a couple other girls, but that was a long time ago and nothing too serious. And I have never dated anyone else, not even casually! We are getting married next month (same day as hbowar!) and I don't have any doubts whatsoever. (we are now 22 and 23) I think it's easy for people to pass judgement, but they are not you. Only you and your fiance can truely know if you are ready.
For me, I feel that I have already done my growing, so to speak, as has my fiance. We are not young and immature and never really were. We talk openly about anything and everything and while we rarely argue, when we do we fight nice. If you and your fiance both feel prepared for marriage and are willing to be open with each other and work through any problems that come up then I see no reason why you shouldn't get married.
I'm sorry you have these people making comments like that to you. While I'm sure there are people who marry young, before they are ready, there are plenty out there who marry young and stay happily married. My cousin and her husband married at 19 and they have been married for 10 years now and are expecting their first child soon. They are the sweetest couple you have ever met, but people gave them a hard time when they married too. I guess what I'm trying to say is just try not to let these people get you down. As hbowar said, have fun proving everyone wrong!
Marriage cannot be entered into lightly. IF you know deep down in your heart that you cannot and absolutely cannot live without your FI then get married. Ignore the Naysayers. I will tell you this much, if you are wondering about the what ifs in life, then wait a little longer.
My best friend was 20 when she got married (after 6 months of dating). Her parents refused to attend her wedding. Thirteen years later and 3 beautiful kids they are still going strong. I myself was in a very serious relationship at 20, but decided to wait and am glad I did. I found the love of my life at 26 and am now getting married at 33. What I'm trying to say is that everyone is different. Do what is right for you and your significant other.
I guess my thoughts are very similar to the above posts. No one can really say what's "too young" or "too old" to get married. For example, when you're younger you're less set in your ways so certain things will be easier.
But, I guess, the part that gives me pause is that you really don't know at 20, 30, or 50 that what you want won't change in the next 10 years. I don't think that's what marriage is about. I think it's about making the commitment to work through stuff, even major changes and detours, together. I believe pre-marital counseling is good for everyone, and I guess I would maybe suggest it a bit more strongly for someone younger who doesn't have a lot of relationship experience. Being in a relationship is work, and regardless of age it's helpful to learn good tools.
I don't know you, but I wouldn't necessarily say 21 is too young...but I would ask yourself what you can do to prepare yourself for the challenge of being married (something I'd encourage a person to do at any age).
I think that you have plenty of time if you know you are going to be together for ever what's another 2-4 years. But, if this is what you really want to do now and you are that positive about it then go for it. I just want to tell you that people do change and so do your expectations of what you really want as you get older. Not trying to deter you just want to give you something else to think about.
Here's what my dad told my sis and I and then I'll tell you about my sister and her H.
My dad sat my sister and I down and told us both this..He said "I love both of you and forbid each of you to marry at all or even consider it because this world is unstable these days. You have to be sure 100 percent you can not only support yourself, but potentially support your H and if God forbid, you divorced, be able to support yourself AND the kids you may have 100 percent too. Unless you both graduate from college, you will not have my blessing to marry nor get a dime from me to pay for any wedding."
Wow. I thought he was so harsh. But he was right.
I married my xh after dating almost 3 years after graduating from college and ended up being the one who NEEDED that job and education because I'm a single mom supporting my son. I AM GLAD I DID THAT. I'd ask you to consider what my dad said and if you're able to say "ok" to that, then go for it.
My sister married at the age of 21 to her college bf. She graduated from college a few months after the wedding (it was ok with dad because he knew she was graduating). My sister then spent the next 4 years pretty much supporting her H because he was attending medical school.
They made TONS of sacrifices and had a beautiful daughter during his med school years. They did not live on credit, they didn't blow money, and they saved. Scrimped. No lavish vacays. But they LOVED each other and respected each other and it was and has been beautiful to witness over the years as their relative.
They now have two kids, he's a successful doctor, she owned a boutique (but is at home now with the kids) and they have a wonderful family life and marriage. They go on lavish vacays now (after all the years sacrificing) and he just upgraded her wedding ring..it's gorgeous..they still have anniversary trips together too. They are absolutely adorable and still love each other.
I say go for it..but be able to do like my dad suggested and take his wise words to heart.
My dad has passed away almost 10 years now. I loved him so and still do. I think he would be proud of how both of his daughters turned out now.
I am just now barely (as of a few weeks) 40 and am FINALLY marrying the love of my life. But I can STILL honor the original question my dad asked me. He wouldn't worry. He'd give me his blessing.
Love and hugs to you both. Best wishes.
I guess that would depend on your maturity. I've dated my fiance since 9th grade. Yes I know, a LONG time. However, I found that we are better prepared for life and marriage after waiting. We were able to really grow as professionals individually by firmly establishing our careers and test our relationship as we became more distinctive individuals in our twenties. Its helped us to get to know what we want out of life individually and as partners. And yes, you can do this all while being married.
My take is if he's the one, what's the rush? It's not like either of you are going to look for other people. We both knew we'd always end up married, but it was only a matter of time. So once we felt like we were settled financially, emotionally and professionally, we decided to get engaged. As long as you have the right person, I wouldn't worry so much about the when. So now that we're in a more stable place, I'd have to agree with Miss Mary Jane, there's a lot less to fight about and a lot more to enjoy.
Honestly? Yes, you're too young to get married. I know you might not think you are going to change, but you are. My husband and his ex-wife were high school sweethearts, together through college and then married right before law school/med school. By the end of it all, they didn't have anything in common and realized that even though they knew each other inside and out, they didn't have the same dreams and priorities. For every story people will tell you about the bad things, there is a couple who made it, but IMO they're few and far between. Good luck in your decision.
You are in a tough spot. In my opinion, 21 is too young to get married. But that's just my opinion. I started dating my FI at age 21 (I am now almost 29)...and within a month of dating him I knew that he was "the one" and he felt the same. However, we decided to finish our educations and grow up together before marrying. I think it was the right choice. You have so much growing to do in your early 20s (and heck, into your mid-late 20s!) There are many issues that we confronted as a couple at age 23, 24, and 25 that we did not have the knowledge or skills or maturity to deal with at age 21.
My parents got married at age 19 and 20 and love each other dearly and are still together. But they always encouragd my FI and I to take our time. Because, the odds are that no matter how in love you are or how strongly you may feel he is "the one" the divorce rate remains high and this is especially true for those who marry young.
So, my advice is if you know he is the one, then what is the harm in waiting? You should take the time to enjoy your early adulthood together, grow together, and marry in a few years.
Congrats on finding a special relationship and good luck!
Well, while I do think 21 is a young number, I also know people who have gotten married at 16, 18, and 19 and are still happily married.
That being said, take an honest look at yourself and what you think you are ready for. There is a big maturity change that comes after graduating college, which you are likely to undergo in a year or so I'd say.
I'd also say the fact that everyone else's opinions about you being too young have influenced you greatly. Enough that you have come to an anonymous board to ask us for our opinion, even though we don't know you or your FI. I'd say that this could mean something...what that *is*, I don't know. Maybe this means you should wait a year for your maturity to catch up. I know at 21 I was easily influenced. And now, I know how to appropriately handle peoples' negative comments and not take them to heart because I KNOW my relationship.
That being said, if YOU think it is too young, what is the harm in waiting another year or two? IF that is how you feel. If not, then go on with your choices, but prepare yourself for the particular challenges that being 21 years old and married has. Personally, I noticed a huge difference in myself between 21 and 23. At 21, I think i would have fought more with my now-FI and sabotaged myself a little more. My maturity has grown enormously and I think more like an adult than someone in their early 20's. But then again, that could just be life experiences talking. Sometimes I think, at 23, I am too young to get married but i ALSO know how I feel. But age is a number. next thing you know, you are "too old" or like someone else said, "too poor" or whatever!!!!! Do what is right by you and your FI, but I don't see how waiting ONE more year could hurt...or even TWO. You will learn a lot about yourself and you will still BE with your FI. You're still with the one you love. Good luck, I can only imagine that this is a difficult situation. Make sure you are marrying for the right reasons, too.
Age is a common factor to consider in the whole equation of marriage, but I think the numbers themselves are much less important than other details that age may play apart in, like your maturity and life goals.
FI and I are both 23, will be 24 when we're married. We started dating right after high school as well, so our relationship has been a long term one, but we're still considered young for our circle/culture to be married. Did I want to marry him when I was 21? Hell yeah! We knew in our hearts that was where our relationship was going and that we wanted to spend the rest of lives together. Should I have married him at 21? No. We both still had some growing up to do and needed to be more stable in our life paths/goals, and that's entirely possible to do while still being together. At 21, you and your FI are probably at that juncture, almost done with college and wanting to figure out things will work out beyond that and together. I would hope that you've sat down and discussed seriously what your future plans are in terms of things like career, finances, post-grad schooling, where you want to settle, homeownership, etc. If you feel comfortable and confident that your plans are compatible, and know that the both of you are willing to be flexible and roll with the punches if anything unexpected were to happen, then I think you're definitely in a good place for marriage! If not though, I would put on the brakes and re-evaluate your situation. And regardless of whether you're super ready or not, I'd totally recommend doing some pre-maritial counseling classes...it doesn't necessarily have to be a religious thing if you're not practicing, but it definitely helps you prepare for things you may not have thought too much about before, like tackling communication, conflict and intimacy issues within your relationship.
While going to the next step of marriage is fun and exciting, it is also a commitment that requires you approach it with a serious mentality. You obviously love your FI and want to experience life with him at your side. As long as YOU know you're both ready, then it doesn't really matter what other people may think. But just be sure you know yourself first! Congrats and best of luck to you and your FI!!
i would encourage you to seek premarital counseling--if you are having a traditional church wedding many pastors/priests require it, anyway. i think this would be an optimal time to discuss issues that maybe as a young couple you haven't had to encounter yet. follow your heart and listen to supportive, encouraging people in your life! the statistics for younger couples are discouraging, but if you are marrying for the right reasons, you are much better off than some of my older friends marrying because of "ticking biological clocks." good luck and enjoy this time in your life!!!! i applaud your reaching out to others and talking with your guy about this!
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i second the premarital counseling suggestion. i don't think you're "too young" but i think premarital counseling will help answer the questions that you're asking. marriages take work, and by the sounds of it, you're willing to do that. best wishes to you!
As a generality, I think waiting a few years would be better for someone your age. Being so young, statisically, really increases your likelihood of divorcing. I knew two couple to get married that young, and they both divorced. If either or both of you are planning on more schooling, or trying to establish careers, I think it would be better to wait. There are lots of things to iron out. How much your income will be? Where you'll live? Will someone's career take you out of state? What if the best location for your career is NY, and his ends up being in Iowa? Then there is the growing wiser factor.
I'm not sure how judgemental your family is being. But this is a situation that you want to keep an open ear about their advice. This is the kind of stuff, they've been through. Honestly, I value the opinion of someone standing on top of the mountain looking down, more than the person standing at the foot of the mountain standing beside you. (Sorry not to step on the toes of any young twenty somethings weighing in here. 
)
But you might have those issues ironed out, for all I know. You might be as mature and ready to get married, as you say you are. But it's so hard to know, because plenty of people, (myself included) have thought they were old enough, or mature enough for something, only to realize later on, that they weren't as mature as they thought they were back then.
Good luck.
People are ALWAYS going to say that you're too young or you guys haven't been together long enough or find some reason to criticize you in any way they can. I don't believe it has anything to do with age, but maturity, and whether or not yall are going to stick by each other's side and really stick it out. I believe marriage is "Til death do us part." And if you and your FH can honestly say that you will be there for each other through thick and thin, when the $$ is there and when it's not, and if you're truly gonna work on your marriage, then go for it!! You can't ever listen to what other people are saying; listen to your heart (as cheesy as it sounds ;) ) and just be sure you know that you know he is the one! Best of luck!
~much love~
You might think that as someone who waited so long to get married that I'd encourage you to do the same... but I really think it is an individual thing that no one else can decide.
Is it a very brave and bold thing? Yes.
Would I have done it? No.
Is it right for some people? Sure.
Wrong for others? Of course.
So how do you decide if you are going to be one of the people who make it? I think the best thing you can do is look deeply and honestly at yourself and your fiance and take cues from the people who know you best. Are your mom and dad supportive? His?
My mom got married at 18, and she's getting ready to celebrate her 40th anniversary with my dad next year... They've been through a lot and it hasn't always been easy, but I don't think it is ever easy regardless of when you choose to get married. I just know that my mom had to do a lot of her growing up while married with kids... and I think that was hard on her.
And I know that there was a person that I could have married at 22, who would have made a great husband for me... who I would still be together with, but I also knew that there was no way I was ready!
So, hopefully, the answer is crystal clear to you and you've already spent a lot of time thinking about this.
I wish you and your fiance a successful marriage!
Is anybody giving you any reason not to marry besides your age? If not, I think it's okay. However, you can also consider a longer engagement and marry in a year or two, too, if that is a good compromise. You have a lot of time to enjoy together. But believe me, I know that I want to be married once I've found the right guy!
I've seen a lot of my family marry very young and it work out. One of my dear cousins married her high school sweetheart and they've been married 12 years, together 16 years. Wow! I have another friend in the same situation, and my mom married my dad when she was 18 and they are happier than any of my friends' parents. Sometimes I wish I'd had that, but it's just luck and timing and when you're ready and when the right person comes along.
I know I am glad I did not marry at that age, but that's just me. I met my fiance when we were 25 and it was just perfect for us. There is no perfect age for everyone.
it is extremely difficult to give advice to someone in your situation without knowing you or your FI, or your relationship with him. And for that reason, I think only you know if you are up for the life long commitment and challenge that marriage brings. There is no guarantee your marriage will last whether you are 20 or 50 - and there is also no guarantee that you (or i for that matter) will even live to see 50. that's life - no guarantees.
all i can do is share my story - i am going to be a 39 year old bride this june...
i am one of those girls that put everything off for my career. yes, i had some very serious relationships in my twenties, but i always felt there was too much to see and do before i settled down, and for some reason the love of my life showed up at a party 2 months before my 38th birthday.
last november i went to my 20th high school reunion. i felt like i was the only one never married with no kids - and i also felt like i was the only one who hadn't been divorced. practically everyone there had been married at least once, and there i was with my FI with our wedding coming up the following year.
it felt good to have waited, but that was the right thing for me. i am a very different woman now than i was at 21, and i have a total sense of peace and confidence about my upcoming marriage because of my life experience.
I agree with everything that Tanya said.
There are laws, which have no exceptions, and then there are rules, which do have exceptions. That it's wrong to marry very young is a rule, not a law, and so it has exceptions. For every case of so-and-so who got married at 17, or 21, or some other young age who is still happily married and in love after many years, there are scores of people for whom it didn't work out. Statistically speaking, when you are as young as you are, your chances of it not working out are much higher. That doesn't mean that it's a given that you'll fail, just that the odds are higher.
How can you know if you will beat the odds? Well, if we knew the answer to that question we wouldn't have that problem, now would we. But what we do know is that most people do not get married thinking they are going to fail. Most everyone thinks they will succeed. So a sense of "this is right" or "how could I ever want anything different" is not necessarily trustworthy. Those who try and fail often look back and can point to a factor that was their undoing. For people who married young, the factor most often pointed to is "I/we were too young and immature." The problem with immaturity is that you can't know it when you're in it. You can't be wiser than you are right now until more time has passed. But you can listen to prevailing wisdom, and hopefully give it at least some consideration. For that reason I would recommend that you put marriage on the back burner for at least a few more years. If your relationship is really going to make it, then waiting a few years is not going to hurt you, it will solidify that this is the right decision. A divorce would be much worse. If you just can't ignore how certain you are that he is the right guy, then I think a long engagement would be appropriate for your situation. Good luck.
I am like you. I will be turning 22 right after my wedding in June. My fiance and I have known eachother since early high school and I have never had a doubt in my mind that he was the right one for me. People say that we are young and don't know what we are doing but I don't listen. I would be a lot more wary if you had known eachother a very short time, I have had a few friends meet people and rush through relationships and they ended quickly. Good luck and don't listen to others!
nik nu - i just thought of something that struck me, and wanted to share it with you. it is about life choices and statistics. you are marrying young, and statistics say you have a higher risk of divorce. i am marrying older and if/when i get pregnant, statistics say i will have a high risk pregnancy. go figure.
My husband and I met at 19, dated for 10 years, and just got married at 29. We have repeatedly said to each other that we're glad we waited to get married, because we both did things when we were younger and dumber that are okay if your boyfriend/girlfriend does them, but pretty bad if your husband /wife does. Marriage is so much more serious. We made stupid mistakes when we were young but we were able to forgive each other and move past them because we didn't have to worry about having broken any vows. If we did those things now the marriage would be over.
My point is, you can be BOTH too young to get married AND absolutely correct that you are meant to be together forever. I would suggest waiting a bit until you are more mature so that you are able to maintain your vows.
great perspective snmcdowell
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I am a firm believer that everyone ages and matures differently. I think that as long as you truly know what you want out of life, and have experienced what life has to offer, and you are positive that your Mr is in the same place, then ABSOLUTELY get married.
I am 21 years old as well (will be 22 when we get married), and my friends all joke about how we are already an old married couple. We aren't typical 21 and 22 year olds that like to go out and party all the time. We have experienced enough of that stuff in college. We are done with school, and are ready to experience the next stage in our life together.
I know that many of my friends who are 21 are no where NEAR ready to settle down and get married, but that doesn't mean that you or I aren't ready. Follow your head as well as your heart. They will never steer you wrong.
Only you and your Mr know the maturity level of your relationship. No one here or anywhere else is qualified to judge you just based on age. Just make sure you really think about it all, and talk with your Mr about it lots too.
Good luck!!!
This topic hits a chord with me as it has with many others - I got engaged at 20, I'm currently 21, and will be married at 22. I know that this is the right choice for my fiance and I. What's more, both our families and all of our friends are happy for us and have been nothing but supportive. I think if the people who know you best are not raising any concerns and are in fact giving you support - then that is at least a good sign.
I am very aware that most of my peers could not successfully get married at 22, and that many of them will find the ones they are supposed to be with later on - and I think that's great. I am so excited for all my friends who will venture into their 20s with the possibilities wide open. I found my one earlier in life though, and we have spent the last 4.5 years building a healthy, strong, and ever maturing relationship. The last 3 years of our relationship have been long distance, this year extreme long distance (overseas). I have done a lot of thinking and reflecting, and I know this is the right thing for me to do.
My advice is to really be introspective, consider how serious marriage is, and realize that you will go through good times and bad together. Make sure you and your fiance have all the important discussions. Do premarital counseling. The times that I have had the most "doubts" have been times where I was thinking about how hard marriage can be and how marriages fall apart so often. But I know that if we are mindful of maintaining and nurturing our marriage, we will be successful. We also have many good examples of marriage in our families, and very few divorces, so that also helps my faith in us.
If you posted on this board and would really change what you would do based on our advice, then maybe you should wait a bit longer. In the end it will only make your chances for success greater. If he is the one, it's true that neither of you will go anywhere, and you'll both be more established in the future. But if getting married sooner is the right thing for you, then do it. It's the right thing for me to get married at 22, so I'm doing it.
21-22 is definitely not too young to get married for every single person. It is too young to get married for many people. Only you can know your case for sure. Talk to your support systems (family and friends), talk to each other, and get counseling. Most of all reflect on yourself, your goals, and your priorities, and make sure you know this is what you want. Good luck!
I understand completely the feeling. I am now 21 and will be 22 when I get married. A lot of people around me look at me as if i am crazy and out of my mind. At one point i was getting yelled at, but I am so happy and so in love that in the end when I go to be at night or lay next to him, i know that I am ready to be married and that is what I am going to do. Do not lsiten to anyone else and how they regreted it or nay such thing. There are always different circumstances to everything.
COngrats by the way and best of luck on planning.
Oh and all the stuff you have not yet done in life, you now get to do with your best friend!! Or with his support.
Mr. Gloss and I have been together since I was 15, we are getting married a month before our 25th and 27th birthdays.
We knew in HS we were going to get married, and have acted married on the commitment level ever since. We took the stance that we would never be one of those couples that breaks up every other week-that if we couldn't rationally work through an issue we shouldn't be together. We waited for as long as we did so we wouldn't get the comments you are getting. Our love is so special to us and we wanted the full support of our families and friends.
Our mentalilty was 'what's the rush?' we didn't put off our marriage because we weren't sure, we waited because we WERE sure. And at that point getting married became just a piece of paper.
Your early 20s are a very important time in your life. (I'm only 29, so I'm not "that" wise on the subject). Both you and your partner will grow and change a lot over the next four or five years. That said, if you are open with each other and are prepared to grow and change together, I believe it will work.
I've heard that the relationships that last tend to be those that start when you're really young, like high school, and survive the college years, and those which start after you're out of school and settled into "adult" life.
Best wishes to you both!
Hi - I'm an encore bride and was married the first time at 19. He was 20. I know how you feel and heard all of the same comments BUT I was married for 8 years and had 2 beautiful children when it all came crashing down - what happened to us had nothing to do with our ages. It was about other things going on for him (family drama). If it is "right" and you are ready to work on things, learn, and grow - it will be wonderful. Stay strong and true to your heart.
My situation is similar to Ms. Gloss's. My fiance and i have been together since we were 16, never broke up a single time, and we'll be 26 when we get married. Honestly, I'm so glad that we've waited. It's a very personal choice, and everyone is different, but I feel a lot readier for the responsibilites of marriage now than I did when we were younger, even though we've always known that we would end up together. That said, I also totally agree with the posters who said that age isn't anything but a number. My advice is to just go with your heart. :)
Wow.....without knowing you, your FI and your relationship, this is a tough call. However, I believe that it deserves A LOT of very serious consideration on both the part of you and your FI. I agree with what some others are saying about taking a look at your situation and figuring out if you are able to financially support YOURSELF before you enter into a marriage and help support someone else. Do you have a career? Is your monthly income enough to support you (and possibley your spouse) should something bad happen? Do you and your FI currently have the means to buy/rent a home, pay bills and whatnot? The fact of the matter is, once you get married any support from your parents should not be expected.
I was in love at 21 very deeply with the boy I had dated all through high school. He was, and still is, a wonderful person. Intelligent, caring, funny and treated me like a queen. I used to tear up at the thought of living my life without him. I was sure that we would marry one day. He was, and still continues to be an amazing person. Just not the person for me. Our breakup was not one of drama and the usual 21-year-old games that go with it. We simply grew apart and I realized I needed to experience life a little more before settling down. It was the best decision I ever made. When I look back at our relationship I don't regret a single second but still know that in the end I made the right decision. I'm definately NOT saying to break up with your bf, but it's important to know that what you want when you are 21 varies GREATLY from what you want even at 25, much less 30 and 40. But at 21 you can't see that.
I have a dear friend that got married at 21 to a great guy. They were madly in love and even had a child at 24. They were very responsible and didn't live the life of most people their age. They didn't party, bought a house, the mini van, the whole thing. They were the perfect picture of what marriage was supposed to be and were living the life they always thought they wanted. Until 26 hit....slowly they started to realize all that they had missed. It doesn't necessarily mean they wanted to go out and party, they just realized they had missed out on their youth and while they thought they were experiencing something "better" they had never really had the chance to grow up on their own, experiencing things as individuals and not as "her name his name". They've had extenisve counselling to put their marriage back together, but in the end it just didn't work.
I don't want to be a "debbie downer" and I don't for a second question your love for you FI, I just want you to take a LONG look at the bigger picture, which is almost impossible to do at 21 and think about all the responsibility that comes with a marriage. Have you asked yourself WHY you want to get married right now? Is living together as a common law couple for a few years an option? If you are truly in love, there should be no rush to get married.
I wish you all the best in whatever you and your boyfriend decide to do and hope that everything works out for you both.
I don't think there is such thing as a person being too young to get married. I DO think there is such thing as a relationship being too young to get married. You've been dating for a few years but how much of the world have you experienced outside of your relationship?
FI started dating when we were both 18. We got engaged 6 years later. We are only 25 and will be 26 when we get married and a lot of people said "you're young" but our relationship isn't. I don't mean just in years though. We have been through A LOT together. Family stuff (new babies and weddings), deaths of close friends and family, grad school, jobs that require cross country moves, job losses, etc. And we also share the same values and also the same interests. After 6+ years of dating with no "breaks", we knew it was time. The young marriages that I have seen fail are the ones which the couple shared very little outside of just the two of them. I think thats the key.
What kind of person are you moreso: cautious and thoughtful, or risk-taking and living in the moment?
Depending on which you are could help you decide which option is for you:
That you even asked this question shows that you know getting married young is a risk. So the question is, how do you deal with risks? Do you take them in other areas of your life? How do you feel about them once you've taken them, especially if they don't turn out perfectly? Do you thrive under the pressure of making it right and never lose sight of the goal? Or do you experience regret and wish you had planned better and had avoided the whole thing?
Evaluating these questions about past risks and how you reacted will help you evaluate a hypothetical situation where you do get married young and then you do experience growing/maturity pains. I know how I would respond in this worst-case scenario (caution, regret, avoidance), but how would you?
I really echo was GaBGal said about a RELATIONSHIP being young, rather than two people being young. My husband and I have been through a lot, and it was those experiences (together, and separately) that made us feel prepared to get married. Have you traveled together (traveling can be stressful and bring on fights- how will you cope with that)? Have you dealt with a crisis or major problem (not that anyone wishes for this, but it's important to know how your significant other responds to these sorts of things)? Have you had all of the "important" talks (finances/debt, planning for babies or not, career choices, health, where you want to live, etc)? Are you on the same page about the things that really matter to you? You may get along really well, but think about longterm compatibility. I had a really weird conversation with my now-husband before we got engaged, where we realized we had vastly different ideas about education for our hypothetical future kids (public/private schools, etc). The issue is very important to both of us, and when we first discussed it, I didn't see how we were going to see eye-to-eye because we disagreed so strongly. I also couldn't believe that after having been together for 5 years, this had never come up. We worked through it, but those sorts of conversations are REAL life, and it's good to be prepared for these things.
I hope that makes sense. You're getting good advice here, and I do agree with what people said that if you are posting the question on weddingbee, you are probably aware of the concerns and may have some of your own. Please carefully think through what you will GAIN from getting married soon, versus what you might gain from waiting a few more years, versus what you think you might LOSE if you don't get married now (I can't really think of anything you lose by waiting, but I obviously don't know you).
Good luck. It's a big decision, and it's good to think through it really carefully.
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