- 3 years ago
Regular bee going anonymous. I’ve been a bit of an asshole and I need objective advice.
Me and FI have been together 6 years. We’ve spent 2.5 years of that apart and are apart right now. We are in our mid-20s and it is ridiculously hard. Since fall 2012, I have been physically with him for three months total. I have done stupid shit to be near him and am now in a bad situation with FBIL as a result.
You just have to trust me, FBIL is insufferable. At 27, still lived at home and had never had a GF. He is good looking and has a good job, so why? Cause he is a narcissistic, disrespectful mama’s boy (bullies his mom, insinuates she is stupid, all while she did his laundry, cleaned his room, made all his meals). He bitched about paying $300 to live at his parents while making $70,000 a year and having NO BILLs, save his car. He is liberal in the most yawn-inducing way but racist and sexist (I’ve heard him talk about how “Women just aren’t good at sports. They just aren’t” and he COACHES TEEN GIRLS.) He loses interest in what people are saying and will walk away mid-sentence. He is also a large, muscular person and uses his size to intimidate people, including me (“accidentally” knocks things into me).
Back story: When I was fresh out of college, I lived with FI’s parents for 7 months (they live outside NYC and there are no jobs near my parents). I could be a miserable little bitch cause I was unemployed but I also got really close to his family. I couldn’t work there cause I didn’t have a car. Instead I commuted via train to NYC where I full-time interned. Over 7 months, I paid $2000 in rent which is nothing, but I helped his mom (including doing FBIL’s fucking laundry). I felt like a freeloader, and guess I was a freeloader. FBIL for sure feels that way. We fight a couple times, mostly over how he treats his mother.
FI, FBIL, and FI’s best friend of 15 years are now renting a (large) house. This is what happens:
– I finished grad courses in May and hadn’t been with FI in EIGHT MONTHS. I go stay with him at his house for 2 weeks. Behind our backs, FBIL freaks out about me being there. He assumes that I’m moving in because of the situation with his parents 2 years earlier. He calls his parents, his friends, everybody and bitches about how I was moving in. He is a dick to me for the two weeks.
– I go back to my parents. Look for jobs for 3 months, no luck, disheartening.
– FI begs me to stay with him. He has a great job, promises he’ll pay for me to live with him and I can apply to jobs while he’s at work. I THINK his roommates are cool with this. But FI is too passive and does not work things out properly. Roommates said “okay” to be nice. Best friend isn’t crazy about the situation but deals. However FBIL is (quietly) livid.
– I stay 2 months (Sept to Nov). Wasn’t planning on staying much longer than that. And it BLOWS UP IN MY FACE. For the two months, FBIL does everything he can to push me out. I know I shouldn’t have been there, but I didn’t care cause I want to be with my FI. My biggest failing was we didn’t pay enough. I kept telling FI he needed to pay extra for me toward rent and he kept saying he would but didn’t. For the 2 months, I paid like $300 total for utilities, which is too little and I did it closer to the end of my stay so at first it seemed like nothing (FI obviously paid for our food and paper goods and stuff like that). However, I cleaned like a maid. Vacuuming every other day, dusting, cleaning the stove, bathtubs, everything. I stay the hell out of FBIL’s way. I wasn’t a pest. I stayed in FI’s room most of the time.
– It finally comes out that FBIL has been bitching relentlessly to everyone he knows as well as FI’s parents. And not normal stuff, but really awful things. He tells people (and FI’s MOM) about any couple fighting he overhears, about my personal faults (like my problems with alcohol abuse), embarrassing things I’ve done in the past (he’s known me since I was 18 for God’s sake!!)
– We have two huge, blow-out fights. I say some MEAN SHIT cause, I’m not gonna lie, if you push me to a certain point, I am a dirty fighter.
The biggest fight? He just got a girlfriend, his first. They’re in wuv, dating for 3 months at that point. She’s actually really cool. Bu to hurt me, he repeatedly has long bitch fests about me, as loud as possible ON SPEAKERPHONE. Saying such nasty things, like how much better of a person she is than me. UM, my 6 year old relationship is different from new love okay? And yeah, I call him out on it, and his stance is that he can say whatever he wants about me in his house. And he’s right, but fuck him.
After three major fights (all of which he picked with me), I have to leave. And I SHOULD cause it’s his house and he is in the right. But I just wanted to be with FI.
BUT HERE’S THE KICKER. Since I left, his girlfriend of 6 months – who has a great job and a home with her parents 20 mins away – IS LIVING THERE. She is there every night and all weekend, showers there, eats there, etc. FI sees her as much as FBIL saw me.
The lease is up end of March. FBIL is moving out to move in with his gf; FI is extending the lease 6 months. FI desperately wants me to come back (I mean, we haven’t had sex in three months and our entire relationship is over the phone). Should I risk pissing off his brother and go back between late Jan and early Feb? Or should I just stay at my parents in Nowhere Ville? I’m concerned that this is my chance to be with him cause I am NOT looking for jobs in NY and I know once I find a job we will be apart again for a minimum of 6 months (he’ll need to get a different state license).
What would you do?