Post # 1
My matron of honour recently got pregnant and she is too sick to do anything- poor thing!! It has been a rough road for her and I really couldn’t be more pleased for her. I don’t expect her help planning or prepping or anything- I have a wedding coordinator, my mom and my wonderful fiance for that. The only thing I have asked of my girls is that they pick a short chiffon dresses from the pink/cream/grey colour pallate in the range of styles (and range of prices) that I have suggested and show up to the wedding to be with me on my day. My other maids have purchased their dresses already but my MOH refuses. She has good reason- worried about losing the baby, worried about what size she will be… and has suggested she wait until the month before to be sure and then try to find the dress. This is giving me a stress heart attack!! Am I being super horrible and shallow worrying about her dress? Our mutual friend is guilting me about the MOHs fragile emotional state and saying I shouldn’t pressure her to pick something while she is sick and unsure… but I feel like it’s the only thing I am asking of her. Is it to hard to order a dress two sizes up with an empire wait and then alter it smaller if she has to?! Am I being super insensitive? Yes, it’s her body and her journey and her fragileness… and I can’t know what is in her head, but… it’s my wedding!! Is my concern not valid too? Am I being crazy?
Post # 2
anachild: Yes, you are crazy. It is your wedding, but it’s also her baby we’re talking about. Don’t force her to do anything. Trust her that she will get the dress on time and show up to your wedding, since that’s all you needed her to do. The first thing on her mind will always be her baby, not your wedding.
Post # 3
If she knows the last minute deadline for ordering, and the amount of time it takes to be delivered, I think you ought to leave it to MOH, who is a capable adult, to take care of her own dress. What is the worst thing that can happen? She’ll have to pay for a rush delivery? Drop out of the wedding party?
Post # 4
Totally get your frustration OP. Not sure what your timeline is, so my advice may not apply
Since you’ve given your BMs options for dresses, she could always find something last minute. However, I don’t think you should be obligated to await this inevitable dress hunt.
Maybe go from this point of view: tell your MOH that you want to minimize her stress as much as possible, so “offer up” the option of buying the dress a few sizes up to ensure that you all can always have it altered a bit down. If there’s still lots of time before the dresses need to be ordered, then cut her some slack for a few more weeks. But if the deadline is looming, then get on that.
Post # 5
I think you should leave her be. If she’s a good friend and a responsible person normally, I would have faith in her that she’ll buy the dress when she’s ready. I can imagine that shopping for a bridesmaid dress that she may or may not fit into later on would be the last of her priorities right now.
Post # 6
anachild: How long until your wedding, and how pregnant will she be at your wedding?
I say let her pick it when she wants to. Also, the worst morning sickness only lasts for a while for many women. Is your wedding far enough away that you can bring this up again in a month or two when she should be feeling a bit better? You’re not being bridezilla, but I do think you need to back off her for a while. Especially if she’s usually reliable, it will be alright!
Post # 7
@ Barely_Blush , I don’t feel like that was the most supportive, constructive way to phrase your response, but I do see what you’re saying so thank you for your reply.
And thank you to the rest of you too- I realize that I am not her priority right now, nor am I asking to be. I am a planner though and last minute things/not knowing if or when something is going to be done stresses me out. I know that the idea of buying something is stressing her out. We are both stressed. Why does a baby make my stress less valid than hers? I guess it doesn’t seem fair. Maybe I am just frustrated knowing that other pregnant maids have managed dress selection before…
Post # 8
anachild: yup, agreed op.
Post # 9
- Wedding: June 2014 - Baby #2 due Sep 2017
She probably feels out of control with her body right now what with the sickness and fear of losing her baby as you mentioned; the thought of guessing her size or wondering if she’ll even still be pregnant at the time is probably upsetting and frustrating and stressful all rolled into one right now.
I suggest you give her space and trust that she’ll get it done, assuming she’s normally a reasonably responsible person 🙂 I know that stresses you out, but if you want to keep her as your MoH this is what needs to happen.
Post # 10
In your situation for your own peace of mind in terms of both knowing the dress situation is sorted but also so you don’t feel bad about hassling your friend – I eould buy a dress for her myself so worst case scenario you have one sorted. If and when she manages to get one herself then you can sell it.
i do realise my advice is different since it the UK it is customary and pretty much expected that bridesmaids have their dresses bought for them!
Post # 11
anachild: I’m sorry, but you are being a little crazy. If she’s afraid of losing the pregnancy, there really isn’t room for any other worries in her mind. If she orders up a dress in a maternity style or larger size and miscarries, the dress will be a really cruel reminder. Since you’ve given her a range of dresses to pick from, let her grab one last minute. I’ve done it in a wedding before and it worked out beautifully.
Post # 12
The advantage of what you’ve done with the mismatched dress plan is that there’s a really broad range of dresses that’ll work, so it should be fairly easy to find something that’ll work. Try and relax at the moment, your friend doesnt need any extra stress at the moment and it sounds like the dress situation will work out just fine.
Post # 13
anachild: A baby doesn’t make your stress less valid. This is going to sound insensitive, but it’s just that your stress is about something less important. Baby always trumps wedding, that’s sort of the rules of life. You said it was a long road for her to get pregnant and she’s worried about losing the baby. That tells me she’s got bigger things on her mind than a dress, and if she’s your MOH, she’s one of your best, closest friends, right? So shouldn’t your real concern in this situation be making sure she’s as supported and un-stressed as possible?
Look, I get that you’re a planner. But you picked a really pretty and really easy color palette and style range. She’ll have some flexibility in what she buys, plus it’s not a huge deal if she’s a little different from the other girls since she’s the MOH. She probably shouldn’t buy a dress now; if she doesn’t grow, the alterations will cost more than the dress (if she buys a few sizes up), if she does grow, she might grow more than expected, and then you’re back in this boat anyway, but a couple weeks before your wedding. Once she’s into the pregnancy a bit, feeling hopefully a little more stable in a few months, she’ll probably feel more comfortable ordering a dress. She’s one of your closest friends, she knows how important your wedding is to you. She would never purposely sabotage your day anymore than you would purpose sabotage hers. Just support her, be there for her when she needs you, and trust that she will do the same for you.
Post # 14
anachild: my pregnant MOH ordered her dress when the rest of the bridal party did. two sizes up to accomodate for belly. Well, her dress doesn’t fit. She should have waited but I encouraged her to buy then. Be patient because purchasing a dress now does not mean that dress will be wearable, it just means she physically possesses a dress for your peace of mind. Which, when you discover two months before your wedding that it doesn’t fit, does NOT provide any peace of mind when you REALLY need it.
Post # 15
anachild: It’s not supportive but that’s the reality, as well as for all pregnant women out there. Their little bundle of joy will always trump any event around them. We’re talking about a life that is forming. Stress could also cause miscarriages: http://www.webmd.com/infertility-and-reproduction/news/20030605/how-stress-causes-miscarriage
So let her be. If it’s affecting your wedding this much, like others have pointed out, offer her an out.