Post # 1
I want to get the hive’s opinion on this because sometimes I think I’m over reacting, then other times I think I’m not mad enough.
I was talking to Fiance a few days ago over the phone and he said that he got the week between Christmas and New Years off work (he works retail, so that’s awesome). I was all sorts of excited because we hardly get to spend time together. Then he tells me that he’s going about an hour away to spend New Years with his friends because it’s somebody’s birthday and the girlfriend of this guy is throwing a surprise birthday/New Years party. Fiance said he’s going to go and will be driving there with a few friends. He said I’m invited as well. Now, I can’t go because I’ve been sick with God knows what for the past 5 1/2 months. Fiance knows that most days I don’t get off the couch because I don’t feel well, and an hour drive and party is just not something I’m able to do, so I told him I’m not going because of my health issues. We got distracted and kind of left it at that. Then last night he brought it up again about how he’s glad he’s off that week and we’ll be able to see eachother, but not on New Years Eve. He asked if I was ok with him going. At that point I was feeling horrible, and just gave him the “ehh I don’t care right now” sort of response.
Inside I’m REALLY upset that he’s going to this party because now we can’t be together on New Years Eve. I don’t expect him to just sit with me on the couch all night, and if the party wasn’t so far away, I could possibly go for a bit. I just feel really hurt. Am I wrong to be upset??
Post # 3
You’re not wrong to be upset I’d be too, however, being upset and showing it is different. He wants to celebrate with his friends and he invited you, you can’t go too bad but he needs to spend some time with his friends.
This happens to me a lot but even when I get mad or feel hurt I always bring myself to realize he must spens time with people other than me and he really needs to see his friends and it’ll be extremely selfish for me to stop him.
I know this is New Years and not just any other day so I’m not really sure how I’d feel in this situation.
Post # 4
@Coffee cup: I’m all for him spending time with his friends. Actually, most of the time I’m the one telling him to go somewhere if his friends invite him and we already had plans. The only reason I’m upset this time is because it’s New Years.
Post # 5
@Fall_In_Love22: It’s not wrong to be upset, but you need to tell him that you are. If you try to hide it eventually you’ll blow up about it and he will be totally blindsided.
Post # 6
If its upsetting you, then its upsetting you, there’s no wrong or right to it. IMO, New Years is overrated and spending new years night with my husband is like spending any other night with him. The particular date on the calendar does nothing for me. It does suck since it sounds important to you, but the alternative is him feeling bad for missing out on the surprise party. If it were me and I can’t go for whatever reason, I would not want him to spend it with me unless he choose to completely on his own so I would* let him know it bugged me a little, but not make him feel guilty and change his plans to stay with me.
Post # 7
IMO, the holidays are about spending time with your family. YOU are his family, and he should really be with you. If it wasn’t so far away, he could go for part of the time, or you could go for part of the time, but since that’s not possible. But you need to have an honest discussion with him about how you feel.
I also don’t like that he TOLD YOU he was going instead of talking to you about it first, but maybe that’s just me.
Post # 8
Thanks girls. I think I’ll just have a movie-thon that night while he’s away.
Post # 9
@Miss Apricot: That’s exactly what upset me, is that he didn’t ask my thoughts first. He just said he was going.
Post # 10
I would be pissed frankly. Not just that he was going but that he just told you he was without any kind of dicussion. In my opinion, ANY holiday plans should be agreed on by both people in the relationship. One person should not be making this decision.
I would have a talk with him and let him know that you are upset and hurt that he would just make the decision to leave you, on a holiday no less, on one of his very few days off.
Post # 11
I think the fact that you haven’t been feeling well for five and a half months makes this a little different – if you were really sick or suddenly sick and needed him, hell yes I’d expect him to stay home with you. But if you’ve been feeling badly for so long, at some point it becomes unfair for him to not be able to do things like this. I guess I don’t really see New Years Eve as a family holiday, it’s not Christmas or Thanksgiving or anything, it’s basically an excuse to party, which you’ve said you’re not feeling up to.
Have you seen a doctor? That’s a long time to be sick enough to not be able to drive an hour.
Post # 12
I definitely understand – it’s hard to be separate from one another on holidays. I’ve only spent New Years with my Fiance once in the 4 years we’ve been together and this will be our first Christmas in the same state as each other lol. I’ve been where you are, especially last year when he went on an expensive vacation with his family to Florida and left me by myself in our apartment for 2 weeks. It hurt, but I got over it because I realized if it were me I’d want him to be supportive.
You’ll have many, many New Years Eves together since you’re getting married. I know you want to be with him for all of them, but maybe let him have this one with his friends since he probably doesn’t get to see them much.
And he is definitely making it a priority to spend the rest of his time off with you, so it’s still a win 🙂
Post # 13
@Wonderstruck: Yes I’ve been going to doctor after doctor and getting test after test. Nobody knows what’s wrong yet.
Post # 14
I understand you’re disappointed and that’s ok but it’s only one night and to be honest, New Year’s is the most overrated ‘holiday’ out there. It’s just another night. If it were Christmas or Thanksgiving, I think that would be a little bit different but New Year’s is a dumb holiday in my opinion.
As others have said, it’s really unfortunate that you’ve been feeling so poorly for the past several months and I really do hope you start feeling better soon; however, if your Fiance wants to go out and spend the night celebrating with his friends, I don’t see anything wrong with that. He deserves some time to go have fun with his friends and it’s just an unfortunate circumstance that prevents you from being there. By all means let him know you’re going to be sad that you won’t be with him, but please don’t guilt trip him into staying home with you (not that you said you were going to do that but I don’t know what else you’re hoping to accomplish by being upset with him). Trust me if he stays home with you because he feels he ‘has to’, it is not going to be a fun night for either one of you.
Honestly, my best New Year’s have been when I’ve stayed home, eaten junk food, and watched silly movies – sometimes by myself, sometimes with my family members. The years I went out to bars and/or parties tended to be completely lame and full of let downs from having too high of expectations. It is just another night. Celebrate together on New Year’s Day or do something special then.
Post # 15
You will have lots of New Years together… Getting mad will not make the situation any better. However, you should talk to him about your feelings. It’s not unreasonable to be disappointed that you won’t be together on New Year’s Eve, so don’t feel guilty about feeling that way. Talk to him about how you’re feeling mixed emotions about him going and not being with you. Explain that you understand why he wants to go, but don’t ask him to change his plans.
I would ask him to have his phone with him at midnight, and arrange to call him or have him call you at midnight. That way you can wish each other happy New Year, before you wish anyone else happy New Year. He could put you on speaker, and you could be a part of the party even though you aren’t well enough to go in person.
Post # 16
While it’s understanding you wanting him to NOT go, you did kinda tell him you were okay with it when you weren’t so being “upset” isn’t exactly fair. I would just talk to him and do something together staying in, or even close so you don’t have to wear yourself out so much.
If he was just a bf then I might feel differently, but this man is on the way to being your husband and sometimes there’s just going to be seasons where something is effecting either one of both of you that kinda sorta sometimes inconveniences the other…. and well, this is one of those seasons.
Plus I know for myself having Darling Husband go out on a night when people are trashed getting behind the wheel and utterly stupid on so many levels would worry me sick and I’m sure he’d be the same if it were me. I’ve worked parties on New Years with a gala photographer and I can say they were always my least favorite nights b/c of the commute home.
I say do something together that works for both of you and he can go see his friends New Years Day… take them to lunch or something when it isn’t so nerve racking or dangerous to be out.