- 3 years ago
Hello fellow bees,
this will be long, so I appologize in advance for that. And there may be some errors in writting, english is not my first language nor my second, but I hope it is understandable.
I am in a relationship for over 3 years, but it is complicated (the points which are complicated will be explained further down)…..And so now I am wondering if I am only wasting my time and his in the relationship. So I would appreciate to hear opinions from people which do not know neither side and can give me input.
When I was starting my masters degree, I started talking with this guy online. He was funny, intellligent and polite. We start seeing each other and it clicked. We could talk ages and about everything. I think what attracted me most, was that he accepted me like I was and did not try to change me and that I could tell him really everything without feeling weird.
Now to the problems:
– My parents are conservative catholics and help support my studies. My boyfriend is divorced and has a daughter. Till I entered the relationship I had a very good relationship with my parents and tould them everything about my life. But since I am in the relationship I could not bring me to tell them that I have fallen in love with somebody 7 years older, divorced and with child. I know they would not tolerate the relation and cut off my financial support, which I need to keep meats end. I feel extremelly bad, because I am lying to my parents and never had before. And I feel bad because my boyfriend has told everybody.I talked with my boyfriend in the beginning of the relationship, and told him the situation. And he said it would be ok to wait to tell my parents till I finished the mastersdegree. But he told everyone and wanted that I spend weekends with him and his family and friends. And I could not do that, because I feel bad doing that behind my parents back.
-My boyfriend has many ladyfriends….We were dating for nealy a month or two, he already had told his friend about me, he was constantly recieving phone calls from ladyfriends, that he should not spend so much time with me ( they did not know me at all) and that he did not have time for them and so on and on, his fellow friends I am not keen either because they are chauvinistic and they cheat on their wifes ( that told me my boyfriend). So after he tellingme that his friends cheat on their wifes and I have his female friends constantly phoning saying he should not spend soo much time with me, I was not keen to know them or spend time with them. So after only a year of dating I agreed to spend time with his friends, and sincerely I did it because my boyfriend, made an ultimatum.
-He is always nice to people, and girl take it as a flirt and hit on him. I told him already that it borders me, but he won t change the behaviour. But he does not like that I talk to men.
-His exwife had his daughter and would constantly change plans in her weekend with the child. So I had planned things with my boyfriend, she phoned, that he has to get his child and he would bring me home and cancel our plans together. I tolerated it for a while then told him, that could not go on like that.
Last year his ex went to africa to work and the child should stay with my boyfriend for a month, she ended up staying for a year. In this year we had no alone time and had always to do what the child wanted. The tipical day would be: I go to his home, help cooking, he does not give me any attention till the little one is in bed ( because she feels jeaulous) and then 11.30pm when she falls asleep my boyfriend talks ten minutes with me alone, or we watch a movie because he exhausted and at midnight he wants to sleep. He feels upset when I do not spend time with him, but I feel I am only wasting my time there. Now he is in africa for two weeks to bring his child to the mother, but she does not want to stay there and my boyfriend is already telling me the child will be with him at christmas and maybe will be staying. I feel bad, but I hate it……we had no time for one another the last year, he won t make time even if I asked. I am not keen to have it again. His ex is constantly inviting him overthere alone, not sure if she interested in him
-My boyfriend was very suportive initially and helped me but then he got frustrated that I had to prolong the time of my mastersdegree and that I do not have the money to keep up with constantly going to restaurants and places and so on. I do not want that he pays for my things.
He started to want to change me. And has criticised me from not being ambitious enough, last year. I have told him that he has to acceptme like I am. He talked with a teacher of mine about my problems at my back. He tries to change me all the time….
He did have some dates with an old flame, and lied to me about that, untill I confronted him a year ago. Trust was chattered, I do not trust him really anymore. He said he was sorry, and we decided to move on. But I do not really trust him anymore….
-I hate his parenting style, he lets his child do everything and does everything his child wants….
-he is messy I am the opposite
_his exwife does what she wants with him, he did not want his girl to go to africa but cannot stand up infroont of his ex.
– I am a traditionalist, he is not ( I would like to marry and so on, and he only married his last wife because she wanted).
But besides the problems I like him.
I feel like a rat trapped. I do not know what to do. Oppinions, please.