Am I wrong?

posted 3 years ago in Family
Post # 3
245 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I suppose it depends on how often you cancel plans with his family in favor of your family. Maybe you subconciously think that your family functions are more important because they seem like bigger affairs with more people involved, and he resents that. You should try to balance visits fairly, and also realize that smaller family affairs shouldn’t automatically take a backseat to bigger ones. 

Post # 4
1403 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

I’ve been in your FI’s situation….almost everything is exactly the same based on the info you shared in your OP.

I found it exhausting and actually….kind of annoying.   It should really be as even as possible. But…I would never want to go to a bar and watch a fight with my FI’s dad??? that’s kind of weird.

In this particular instance I don’t think you’re wrong.

Post # 6
452 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

@mylittleviolett:  Yep, I think you’re wrong – the two of you need to spend time with both families, and just because your family is bigger, it doesn’t mean that your events are more important. That said, I don’t think it’s terrible for you guys to do thing separately once in a while (you with your family, and he with his). Honestly, though, for me, I wouldn’t be able to handle doing family stuff (either mine or his) every single weekend. It’s just how I am, but I feel like you need to separate a little bit from each of your larger families, in order to have space to build your own new family as a couple.

Post # 7
842 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@skippydarling:  I don’t think it should matter what her husband and FIL are doing, she should go to be supportive of her husband and more involved with his family. And fights are fun! My dad and I watch UFC fights out together all the time and I definitely drag FI with me. 

Post # 8
4511 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I kind of agree with your husband. I don’t think that’s fair if you are cancelling on his parents to go to your family functions. It depends how often this happens. I think if you are going to your family more than half the time, then the next time there is a conflict, you should go to his family.

Eta: if you did what he wanted sometimes, like going to the beach, then it wouldn’t be as big a deaif when something like going to the bar came up And you didn’t go. I mean, I’m not saying in this actual instance he was right, but it does sound like you should make more of an effort to do stuff with his family so he doesn’t feel like he does.

Also, this is a VERY common argument for couples to have. Just remember, learning to compromise is practically what marriage is about! 🙂

Post # 10
2111 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

Are you passing on his family’s functions for yours or just normal hangout and visits? Is it a special occasion? If your family is celebrating a birthday and they want y’all to meet them for dinner just because, then I say go with yours, but vice versa is true. If you’re missing out on one of their birthdays, even if it’s just the four of you having dinner at home, to visit with your family, they’d better be the ones from Sicily for one day only to even think of missing it.

Post # 12
359 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

Just tell your family NO.  We have started that.  My family is actually bigger than my husband’s, but since his parents are divorced we end up with more family functions with his.  Which is weird since his mom is in florida and we’re near toronto. But, that’s his family.

I even tell my parents no.  My mom wants to see us fairly often, I get tired of it.  I like being home with my husband.  At least my parents want to see us for just a visit rather than a big event.

My husband’s family it’s just for events (mainly things where we have to buy his nephews gifts-like their birthdays, christmas, easter, etc) which drives me NUTS.

So we learned to start saying no. 

AND we are going away on thanksgiving weekend, and we’re going away over christmas this year.  It is our newlywed year and we are doing what WE want.


I do think that you need to be more balanced.  You can’t ignore his family just because yours is bigger.

Post # 15
245 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@mylittleviolett:  I do know how difficult it can be sometimes. My in-laws live halfway across the world, while all of my family live within an hour from us. My mom, especially, can be pushy when it comes to family events. I feel bad for my FI sometimes because he has to attend ALL my family events while we only see his family once a year. But I’ve learned that you have to take a stand against your family sometimes. They’ll get over it. Occasionally my FI and I will have something planned for just us and then my mom calls with another group family event. Earlier in our relationship I always put that kind of stuff first because in my mind missing a family event was a bigger hassle then cancelling our own personal plans. But I came to understand that this mindset was not being fair to my FI, who after all is also my family. Nowadays I’ve gotten used to sometimes telling my mom, “I’m sorry but we can’t make it, we have already made other plans.” Of course, if it’s REALLY a major event, like a birthday or a wedding, we will go. but we will skip the occasional family get-together otherwise. It’s difficult saying no to my mom and dealing with the shit she gives me, but I have learned to just suck it up and wait for her to get over it. 

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