Post # 1
So, of course I am posting this using an alias as I am a regular bee…
But anyway, a friend is coming to visit today. She is more FI’s friend than mine. She first emailed asking for information on where to stay, which to me was a clear: Can I stay with you? I felt I had to say: Stay with us! And of course she accepted. Well 2 days before she writes to “let me know” that she is gluten intolerant. Well, am I supposed to cook for her?
I try to be nice and yesterday I was talking to Fiance about it. I said I was making chilli (as I know she could eat that) but also said that we were going to take her to the grocery store after picking her up at airport. Fiance said he expected me to buy the food for her and said I was being mean and selfish!
Of course we had this huge fight. But I think I am being nice enough to let her stay with us and by cooking the chilli. I have a full time job and most of night we have pizza or some breaded frozen fish and she won’t be able to eat that! Than what do I do? Slave in the kitchen the whole time????
Fiance didn’t even talk to me this morning because he is mad at me!
Am I being selfish? Am I wrong????????
Post # 3
well personally, I would say if it is creating a fight between you she could just stay somewhere else lol no, you are NOT being selfish. You don’t need to cater to her, guest or not.
Post # 4
How long will she be staying? What is the purpose of her visit? Will she have time to contribute to meal preparation? Will you go out for dinner at all?
What would you do if you invited a house guest who has food insensitivities or allergies?
Post # 5
@rainy_smith: Hmmmm, I’m not sure how to answer. But I do think it’s ridiculous that your Fiance is sticking up for her/thinking about her needs rather than helping you. I’d hit up the gluten free section and get something fairly quick to make. With any luck, you’d end up going to the trouble of making chili, and she’d tell you she isn’t a fan of chili or something like that. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this!!
Post # 6
Whenever I stay someplace I either assume i’m going to buy my own food or, at the very least offer to pick up wine/contribute something.
People with specific dietary requirements should really know better than to do what she did. They should know that they need to be self-sufficient on the food front, lest whomever they depend on screw something up and make them sick.
Post # 7
Well first off I do not think her asking you for recommendations on where to stay means she is fishing for an invite to your place. I know when I go visit people I will ask them for recommendations for places to stay, because I really want to know where to stay (not because I’m hoping for an invite).
Secondly, her letting you know that she is gluten intolerant may have been a heads up so you didn’t slave away and cook something only to have her not be able to eat it (and feel bad about turning down your hospitality).
As far as taking her to the grocery store when she arrives I feel like that is a perfectly fine thing to do (as long as she isn’t coming in super late).
How long is she staying? When you are shopping with her, maybe let her know how you usually do quick dinners and ask what her quick go-to’s are so you can maybe try some gluten-free options which are just as quick a pizza or breaded fish.
I don’t think your Fiance should have gotten so angry over the grocery store, but maybe he was angry because he sensed your hostility for this girl because you felt “forced” into letter her stay and interpreted her gluten intolerance as a demand to slave away in the kitchen.
Just trying to shed some light from another perspective, these comments from her may be completely benign.
Post # 8
IDK, I can’t imagine inviting someone to stay with me (even if it was only out of politeness on my part) and then expect them to provide their own food. I’d probably feel the same as your Fiance if I was in his shoes.
If you guys normally do quick prep dinners, just pick up some bagged salad and grilled chicken for a few nights. Girlfriend isn’t necessarily an extra expense. It just requires more thought when it comes to prepared food.
Post # 9
She is on vacation and staying 7 freaking days. She won’t have a car, nor is the most out-going person either.
She will probably sit in the house for the whole week, and that is why I think she could very well cook her own meals! I also don’t know enough about celiac disease to be her caterer!
Post # 10
I’m having a little trouble getting past the part that a female friend of your Fiance is coming to stay with you. LOL. How long is she staying? On the other hand, I personally believe you should cook for your guests, in most cases. And you did offer to cook, so not sure where your Fiance is coming from being mad at you. Any particular reason he especially wants to impress this friend? It seems as though you’ve done more than enough to extend hospitality. However, try to look at it from your FI’s point of view and decide if you had a male friend of yours coming to stay with the two of you and the situation were reversed how would it be? That’s how I always have to look at things in life, by putting myself in the other person’s place and trying to see their side.
Post # 11
“I don’t think your Fiance should have gotten so angry over the grocery store, but maybe he was angry because he sensed your hostility for this girl because you felt “forced” into letter her stay and interpreted her gluten intolerance as a demand to slave away in the kitchen.
This could be it. But if someone does have GI, it’s usually best if they pick up a few itesm for themsevles as you can try to do it right, and it doesn’t always mean you got the right items.
Your Fiance is being a big MAN CHILD if he cannot communicate to you why he is upset or what his unmet expectations were. Is that how he reacts normally? Gets pissy and shuts down?
Post # 12
Gluten intolerance is different from a gluten allergy, first off. My mom has celiac disease so NO gluten for her. That being said, I may ask if there were any treats that she likes and try to buy them, however, purchasing gluten-free items is expensive. I guess I would just plan meals that didn’t involve breads or flour, etc. But personally, if I had an allergy, I would provide for my own food and cook for my hosts!
Post # 13
@rainy_smith: I don’t see anywhere in your post that she has asked you to cater her meals. Is there any reason for you to not give her the benefit of the doubt?
Take her to the store and let her know you are doing so because you want to make sure you have enough in the house that she can eat.
It seems you are very hostile for her and the hostility seems extreme fro the amount of information you have provided about this visit so far. Is there something else going on with her?
What is her reason for coming for a week long visit?
Post # 14
@atalante: I’m with you. If you invite someone to stay with you I don’t think you can expect then to provide their own food. Would it be nice for her to help cook or clean up? absolutely. But you have no indication that she won’t do that.
If I go to stay with friends or family I never assume I’m on my own for meals. I’ll usually offer to take them out for at least one meal on me as a thank you and usually offer to help cook and clean up.
Post # 15
I think you’re being a little oversensitive over this situation. Telling you she is gluten free is not the same thing as requesting you slave away in the kitchen over things. She probably just assumed you may have planned one meal over the course of her stay and didn’t want you to waste your time making something she can’t eat.
Honestly, when I have a guest, I do shop and cook for their dietary needs (not saying it’s a requirement, but I do). We don’t eat grains or keep snacks in the house, but, when we have guests, I usually grab some buns to go with our bunless burgers, or some chips & guacamole for snacks. It’s my pleasure to do so as a host. If I don’t want to be a host, I don’t invite someone to stay with me. JMHO.
FWIW, as a guest, I would NEVER expect anyone to make dietary modifications to their diet for me, or feed me for the entirety of my stay. But, as a host, I am happy to buy a few items to have on hand for my guests.
Post # 16
- Wedding: November 2011 - Florida Aquarium
This is a tough one. I’m vegan, and I certainly don’t expect folks to stock up for me. In fact, I kind of hate when they do.
I would just grab some of the normal stuff- salad, fruit, veggies, cheese, maybe throw in a box of Girlfriend pasta and tomato sauce, just so she has some options if needed or so that you guys could have dinner or snack at home.
That being said, when friends come to stay with us, I always ask what their favorite foods are and stock up for them. It makes them feel welcome, I think.