Am I wrong about being upset???

posted 3 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
534 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

Did you take Plan B?  

As for what your boyfriend did, WOW.  Talk about a breach of trust.  I would be honestly furious and disgusted with my FI if he did that to me.  You are sooo not wrong for being upset about this.

But now the question is…what are you going to do about it?

Post # 4
Member
1666 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

@Countant819:  The two of you need to sit down and have a really good conversation about everything. Like now.

I can understand his view a bit, as you did agree that this was the year to start trying. It’s entirely possible that he thought you had changed your mind about the order of things. . . but it seems like that is something you should be 100% clear on before you act on it. So yeah, you guys really need to talk about the marriage and kids and all that.

You guys really need to discuss what type of wedding to have and come to a firm agreement on it. And you need to find out whether he purposely did what he did in the hopes of having a quicky wedding or if he honestly thought it was what you guys had agreed to.

I’m really sorry about all this happening. I do think you are justified in being upset. Talk with him and figure out what on earth he was thinking. After that, what happens is up to you and what you feel most comfortable with.

Post # 5
Member
172 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

Yes, I would be upset. Probably very upset. My FI and I use the pull out method as well, with the understanding that we will be trying for a baby sometime soon (sometime after the wedding, but if I were to get pregnant now, it would be totally fine) However, he would never dream of actually finishing inside without having a serious discussion with me first.

I agree that you need to sit down and have a discussion with your SO. Figure out a proper timeline. I really hope that he was just under the assumption that it was what you two had agreed to and it wasn’t just him “tricking you into a quick wedding” because I think that would be a really huge issue (at least with me)

Post # 6
Member
10219 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

Read the whole thing.

A Convo is definitely in order…

You CLEARLY have to put your cards on the table.  WHAT YOU WANT… no ifs, ands, or buts.

You need to share YOUR LIFE PLAN & TIMELINE

What he did was NOT COOL… but then again, I can see how there might have been mixed messages sent / received… afterall you guys (both of you) seem to talk at times like this is a done deal already (he calling you Mrs… You saying you are ready for a baby etc)

IF Marriage is IMPORTANT to you enough to be upset about this entire situation as it now stands… Marriage first, babies second…

This THIS IS THE TIME to make that 100% CRYSTAL CLEAR

And to be honest… if he can JOKE about a “Shotgun Wedding” then he can be serious about a REAL ONE

He KNOWS you don’t want a Shotgun Wedding (which is exactly WHY he can joke about it)

What he doesn’t want to deal with is the idea of a real one…

He is too comfortable, he likes what he has now the way it is… period.

Seriously I think he wants the idea of “Marriage” (all the benefits) and NONE of the responsibility.

You need to shake him up !!!

As @sailor_girl: said Plan B is a good place to start that discussion perhaps…

“I am not here for you to take for granted”

You aren’t asking for anything ridiculous… you are asking for what you need out of this relationship.

A modest riing and even a small Wedding (which you both seem to have the funds to do) before the end of 2014, as originally stated by him.

Hold him accountable !!

If he CANNOT SEE that, I’d be looking to move on.

(( HUGS ))

 

Post # 7
Member
1634 posts
Bumble bee

@Countant819:  I would be furious, you discussed one thing and he did another assuming that you had changed your mind on the order of things. I wouldn’t wait to find out if you’re pregnant, I would have a discussion with him now about what you want and when you want it. he may have thought he was giving you what you wanted, but thats not what you discussed, so where did that break-down in communication happen? Thats a big decision to make, to start officially trying, and you have to make it together!

Post # 10
Member
339 posts
Helper bee

You are not wrong to be upset AT ALL. If you are good enough to have his baby (on PURPOSE), you are good enough to be his wife. But based on the situation you are the former and not the latter. It appears that he has changed his mind about the first marriage then baby. But here’s a thought, how about in your conversation, you suggest a court house wedding and see his reaction. If he’s all for it, then he wants to marry you and does really have a fear of weddings and is really thinking about his financials. If he is apprehensive about that then marriage is not something that he is seriously thinking about right now.

Post # 12
Member
1689 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Oh my gosh.  There are no words for how angry I’d be.

Post # 13
Member
11772 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2013

@Countant819:  I can actually imagine what you’re feeling–I had a guy I dated once pull that shit on me, too. (After we broke up, he confessed that he’d been pulling out late and throwing away my pills a couple of days a week in hopes that I would get pregnant)

That is a HUGE red flag–And I don’t buy for a second that he was thinking about your wants/needs! As my douchenozzle ex said “I wanted you to be with me forever, but I didn’t plan on marrying you”.

That is a huge, insane breech of trust. At the very minimum, I think you should go to the doctor and get back on hormonal BC. Even if your insurance doesn’t cover it, it should be heavily discounted at Planned Parenthood. I’d also want to sit down and have a conversation about what he did, and why it was SO inappropriate.

Post # 15
Member
32 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2015 - Plantation

@Countant819:  1st things first – If you truly want to wait until you are married you need to take Plan B – NOW. It is better to be safe than sorry. If you are having issues being on the same page now, then bringing a child into the equation is not going to make things any better.

 

Second – you truly need to sit down, sooner rather than later, and explain that if he is serious about being with you and having children, with you, then there is a specific order/way you prefer this to happen. You have every right in the world to be upset BUT remember not to let the anger take the reigns.

 

Also, however this may turn out, you are doing the right thing. These are your emotions and if someone can’t understand that then you make your own decisions on where it goes from there…

 

Best-of-luck. Would love to hear any updates!

 

Post # 16
Member
38 posts
Newbee

@Countant819:  No offense, but this makes no sense to me. A baby is very expensive. It seems illogical that he does not want to get married but is all for having babies. If you were married, you could combine your finances and be in a better situation. Also, there are many risks one takes being self-employed. If neither of you are, I don’t think that he should use what happened to his parents as an excuse to not get married. There is no perfect time to get married just as there is no perfect times to have babies. There is something more to this than he lets on. It could even be the fact that you are living together as if you are married and everyone else thinks you are anyways. He might not be wanting to put in the extra effort of planning a wedding since you are already feeling married and getting the perks (except financially which could really help out his financial worries a lot).

Eh..something just doesn’t seem right. You have every right to be upset. He is ready to start a family but cannot give you this commitment of marriage? He says that he wants marriage then baby but is already irresponsibly finishing inside of you? What does he want?

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