Post # 1
Long story short, my MIL and I don’t get along, and there was a lot of pre-wedding tension. However, we all made a great effort the day of and it went so well I hoped we could put the past to rest.
Then we opened the wedding gifts and there was nothing from DH parents. DH was sad and I couldn’t believe they didn’t even bother getting a card. After talking about it, we decided we were going to consider it a mistake/mishap, not a statement.
First week back in Canada, we invited my DH ex for dinner. We’re good friends and she was the first one to bring us a wedding gift – a soda streamer. It was used during the dinner, which prompted her to tell us she had exchanged some emails with DH’s mum in which she mentioned how pleased she was about her wedding gift, asking what MIL and FIL had got for us. To which she got the response that they hadn’t brought a present as they felt like they weren’t involved in our life and thus had no idea what to give us. MIL then continued the email with complaining about things she didn’t like with the wedding…
DH suggested he would bring up the issue (in a very casual way) with his dad the next time they meet, which happened this weekend as the three of us were at the family cottage renovating. While DH and FIL were alone cutting down trees, DH wondered if their card were misplaced during the reception clean-up. FIL then told him they hadn’t brought a card or a gift as they had a hard time coming up with anything. However, they had this “important silver plate” they have had for years that they were planning to re-silver and give to us. Only problem, they weren’t sure if they were going to go ahead with it because “Well, you don’t really care what you get, but Eocenia might not like it and she’s the one that would use it”.
Am I wrong being offended by this? I admit, I wanted a token that showed they approved of us getting married, but instead I’m told they’re saying nasty things about the wedding and singling me out as the reason why they didn’t give us a wedding present. I want to put this behind me and not think about this any more, but I’m worried that MIL will decide to go ahead with some elaborate handover of this plate – she’s hugely into making gift exchanges a BIG affair and I just dread if she decides to make a number of it for Thanksgiving or one of the upcoming family birthdays. Any good advice on how to handle this?
Post # 3
- Wedding: October 2014 - UK
I think the gift itself would be lovely, given as it’s something that’s been in the family a while, but I do think they’re wrong to badmouth you behind your backs – particularly to your husband’s ex!
Post # 4
One word… Graciously.
Inlaws can be a HUGE issue in a marriage (and can cause many a disagreement, fight, even a divorce for a couple)
Some Couples are lucky enough to always have a good relationship with their Inlaws… some are not so blessed.
You happen to be not so blessed
Some Parents are ok when their children grow up and marry, and the choices they make as an Adult, some are not.
It truly is more “their issue” than yours (and your Hubby’s as they are his parents)
Don’t give them reason to see you as the “problem”
That isn’t to say that things cannot get better (or worse) a lot of is going to be up to you
Suck it up and smile… smile till it hurts
(Aka “Kill em with kindness”)
Hope this helps,
PS… In future I wouldn’t be discussing Inlaw Issues with other people… especially not someone who has a connection in so much as they may pass that info along, and just make things worse (gossip tends to do that)
Post # 5
@chronicwhimsy: Thanks for your reply! I agree with you, I think the plate would have been a lovely gift had they handed it to us during the wedding or just after it (as it was a DW it would have been so sweet had they written a nice card explaining the story behind it and then given it to us as we returned to Canada). Now… with this background story that has been feed to me, I just feel so hurt and offended. I mean, my DH ex is a friend of us… what does she tell people that we’re not friends with? Just feels like such a back stab.
Post # 6
Are you right to be offended? Definitely. Not being able to “think of something” to get for you is a pathetic excuse. Ever heard of a gift card?
There’s nothing to be done about it though. If ultimately they do give you the platter, or whatever, just be gracious and thank them, and move on.
Post # 7
@eocenia: Ugh, this sucks and I feel for you….my in laws hate me, which I take as a compliment because if I fit in with that pack of lycanthropic misfits, I wouldn’t want to live anymore….
Either way, when Mr. 99 and I tied the knot, we recieved NOTHING from either of his parents, unless you count a huge amount of step-sibling drama a wedding gift…which I don’t.
I get why you’re upset, and how this might stick in your craw…but I don’t see how you have any option other than to keep a smile on your face and take anything…whatever it is she gives you, with no small amount of enthusiasm….
Whenever my MIL does actually give me something, and oddly enough, since we’ve gotten married she has given me a mink stole, a wall clock and an older music box…all of which I blow my stack over how wonderful they are, take wonderful care of and find a prominent place in my home to display them…except for the mink, I just always wear it if its cold and we’ll be seeing them.
If she does toss this silver plate at you, loose your shit over how great it is, how much it means to you and then put it someplace where everyone is going to see it….some gifts aren’t about you, they’re about the person who gave it to you…
Post # 8
No you’re not wrong. That’s some bullshit.
When you get the plate…let your cat/dog enjoy some fine meals off of it lol
Score on the soda streamer! Super cute! lol
Post # 9
@eocenia: I send you many hugs right now as my FMIL dislikes me very much and blatantly told us she does not and will never approve of “us”.
Eh. It happens.
So what. She doesn’t like me. She doesn’t approve. She doesn’t want anything to do with “us”. Her problem…not mine/ours. Does it hurt? It did. Is it what I dreamed of? Absolutely not. Do I wish different? Of course.
But I would not want a card or gift from anyone who treats me poorly. I don’t expect her to acknowledge our wedding day. I don’t expect or really want anything from her or her family. Just respect. Well, if they can’t give that, what makes me think they are capable of lovingly giving anything else?
Forget the gift. Forget the convo. Let your in laws behave like brats and you and your husband just tend to your relationship.
Post # 10
@This Time Round: Fortunately, DH and I are really a team when it comes to all of this, otherwise it would have been so awful! So in that sense I am blessed! Wonderful wonderful man!
I tried to be nice for years, but after some of the drama we pretty much stopped attending family functions last fall. We’ve both felt awful about it, as FIL is adorable and doesn’t deserve being caught in the middle. So that’s one of the reasons I was really hoping the wedding was going be a stepping stone forward for all of us. Now, as you pointed out, this is perhaps more their issue than ours – so for my husbands and FIL sake I’ll make my best to pretend that I never found out about the email or reflected over the missing card. It’s just difficult as I have a lousy poker face and tend to close up as soon as I’m not comfortable. Playing theater is not something that comes easily to me!
@MissNoodles: Glad to hear I’m not alone thinking it’s a bad excuse. As for the plate, I guess I’ll just have to try to forget about the information I was given about it ahead of receiving it and focus on the reason why they gave it to us (if we do receive it that is).
@Nona99: Love your description of your in laws! Mine did sort of give us an anti-gift, they forgot to pay for their accommodation so DH had to cover that. I guess that counts for something, if nothing else it did add a little extra excitement!
As for option, mine has so far been “not socializing with them”. Part of me want to stick to that based on what I found out regarding this entire wedding gift fiasco, but part of me feels like I should ignore it and focus on the fact that the wedding day went down without any drama from their side (because I AM very grateful for that). I guess what it comes down to is my ability to move past this, focus on what was good and not on what makes me feel resentful.
Post # 11
I had a similar issue with my BILs. My DH has twin brothers who he is not super close to. There is a 6 year age gap there and live about 6 hours away, so are just in complete different stages of life. They talk regularly, but very surface level.
We had a small wedding party (only 2), and DH decided to have his absolute 2 best friends stand up next to him. Apparently his brothers were so hurt, they chose to get us nothing as a wedding gift. No card, nothing. We were very hurt, so I completely understand where you are coming from.
Post # 12
@Nona99: So glad to read about another bee whose MIL doesn’t like her, rough relationship, etc. I’m not suggesting this is good news but I don’t feel so alone now.
My FMIL doesn’t like me and doesn’t approve of our marriage. She has told anyone she can, including us.
It happens, I guess. Life goes on.
Post # 13
Yes I would be pissed but you have to let it go or it will damage your relationship. It doesn’t sound like they hate you, sounds like they are just a bit….lazy with a dash of resentfulness thrown in.
If they have money they could have just gotten you a vacuum cleaner and you probably would have been happy. No money, they could have sent you a card filled with lovely words. They didn’t bother with either. That is extremely bad form. I don’t think past tension is ever a reason not to give your son/daugheter a gift. That speaks volumes about them, not you.
Post # 14
RE – Inlaws not paying their Hotel Bill
As you may or maynot be aware, I call myself and Etiquette Snob in jest here on WBee (comes from my upbringing and my career, in so much as I know a lot of the Rules of Etiquette, doesn’t mean I automatically agree with everyone… but I do know em, and pass that info along here on WBee)
It may be that their not paying wasn’t an oversight, or mistake.
They perhaps didn’t pay cause they “assumed” that it was covered for them. Because, as per Traditional Etiquette, the Groom normally would pick up that expense for his Parents.
Hope this helps,
Post # 15
@QuirkySocialite: Haha! I love you! I’m sure my little fur baby would love to eat with some more class!
Look at him, he totally deserves the very best – thanks for the tip. 😉 No, I’m just kidding – I think the plate would have made a lovely gift had they just handed it over in pretty much any other way than what they did/didn’t…
@Coral99: Thank you so much for your sweet and thoughtful note – I definitely feel your pain. I so wish that my relationship to my MIL could have been what it was a few years ago, mostly because I really love my FIL and I know this doesn’t’ reflect our relationship but he’s constantly caught in the middle. DH and I want to have kids, so I really wanted the wedding to be a turn point for DH’s and FIL’s sake. I guess it’s up to me and DH to make that happen even though it feels like we’re working uphills.
I notice that you’re having a DW – I hope you’ll have a wonderful time away and that you only have people attending that’s truly happy to be there with you. Hugs!
@nixietink: Oh no, I can definitely understand why you were hurt! Any chance they are so young that they didn’t know it was expected from them? I mean, then there’s at least hope that they’ll grow up and realize their mistake!
@FauxBoho: Funny you would mention the money aspect – because that was one of the things my husband mentioned as a potential reason.
As you pointed out, you can always afford a card, so there’s no excuse for the lack of one. As for a gift, they’re retired so they have a fixed income and I totally understand that they can’t give us something elaborate. Nevertheless, they can afford all this new fancy electronics and just this last weekend my FIL arrived with a brand new gas motor saw at the cottage. After he left, I told DH that I would have been over the moon happy if they had gifted us the saw as our wedding gift (it’s my in laws cottage but we’ve been paying and doing all the reparations there for the last three years), it would have been such an useful present! Turns out it was a present from MIL to FIL, to celebrate THEIR wedding anniversary… So it appears that they’re not completely unfamiliar with the concept of weddings and gifts, just not for our wedding.
Post # 16
- Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA
@eocenia: Aw hugs! I’m sorry, you have every right to be offended. Just try to be the bigger person because obviously your MIL is NOT. So glad your husband has your back.
Agh, your kitty is SOOOO CUTE! I just want to stick my face in all that neck fur and never leave!