Post # 1
So I’m well aware I could be totally overreacting, but I thought I’d post anyway. I’m kind of emotional at the moment and just need to vent.
My SO of 5+ years and I belong to a weekly sports league, we play together on the same team, on our one & only day off together. I’m not feeling well so I didn’t go to our game tonight. The game was then actually cancelled altogether due to bad weather.
The girls on the team decided they wanted to go to the bar and have some drinks. My SO texted me asking if I was going to the bar, I said I still wasn’t feeling well.
No other guys on the team went, only my SO and the girls.
My SO didn’t even so much as mention a single thing about coming home to spend the evening together.
I’m sorry, I imagine this is making me out to look like a huge bitch who doesn’t trust her guy. I do trust him, I just feel … kinda slighted. I don’t know. Feels like he didn’t even consider coming home to be with me. He’d just rather go to the bar and hang out with the girls.
Post # 3
If you told him you were not feeling well, and still were not feeling well a couple of hours later,he probably thought you were not feeling well enough to hang out with him.
Post # 4
Cold water for you: I think he DID rather go to the bar and hang out with the girls. NOT with the girls at a flirtatious level; just hang out socially, to have fun. Because let’s face it, he loves you, but you know, you’re getting sick. I love my DH very much, but even *I* would forgo a night in with him if he were coming down with something, a) because I’d try to avoid getting sick myself and b) because it’s just not fun to stay in with sick someone.
I know this is a vent and it’s okay. Just don’t allow yourself to cycle into drama. Think of all the things that would be nice to do without him–I can’t be the only one who relishes a night in alone! Paint your toenails, watch girly shows, take a nice bath…Whatever is YOUR fancy and enjoy yourself 🙂 It’s only one night and absence really does make the heart grow fonder!
Post # 5
I would say yes and that it is no big deal. That is coming from a personal perspective where I am often the only female on my volleyball teams which means a nigh of celebrating with the team equals a night of me hanging with a bunch of guys.
Obviously he wasn’t hanging with a single girl in general but his teammates and a team requires a certain amount of comradery and time investment as I am sure you know. I wouldn’t make it to be more than it really is…especially since you were technically invited.
My DH knows when I am hanging with the team and has absolutely no issue with it. He even knows about my volleyball husband (who happens to be gay and amazing!!!) and doesn’t fret at all….it is all about trust and communication.
Post # 6
I do think you’re overreacting a bit. I understand where you’re coming from. But from his side, I would probably want to go out for some drinks too knowing that you weren’t feeling well.
Post # 7
I’d have felt bothered, honestly. I wouldn’t start an argument about it or anything, it would just feel unpleasant and disappointing. I like to be taken care of when I’m not feeling well. But at the same time, it would also be totally out of character for my guy. Does yours try to find a reason to go out really often, or was this more unusual? If it’s common for him, he’s just doing what comes naturally. If it’s unusual, then yeah, it may have been inconsiderate on your only day off together
Post # 8
He probably feels like you gave him the go ahead since you two talked about it before he went. Sometimes you have to spell it out for them
Post # 9
Thank you guys for calming me a bit. I’m glad I came here first just to vent rather than just get upset and cause unnecessary drama between us.
Just for the record, my not feeling well isn’t contagious lol. All you have to do is look at the titles of my first few threads and you’ll get the gist of it. 😉
Also, we didnt reaaaally talk about it, he simply asked if I was going. I just felt kinda hurt because lately it feels like he’s gotten distant, like he just doesn’t want to spend any free time with me.
Post # 10
Definitly talk to him about how you’re feeling. He may not even realize it. I totally understand how you feel and where you’re coming from, but I doubt he was being malicious, he probably just didn’t realize you would be uncomfortable or feel slighted by his decision. My FI is this way. If I hadn’t texted him back in your scenerio with “I’d really like you to come home and spend time with me since we don’t get time together often, you know” he would be totally clueless.
Post # 11
I would probably have felt a bit annoyed about it. But you had already given him permission to go out for the evening, so it’s like you’re saying it’s ok for him to go out and play sports but it’s not ok for him to have a drink instead. I guess he figured that you had already agreed for him to be out that evening so it was ok, and also you weren’t feeling great and probably wouldn’t be fun company if he came home.
I’d let this one go… I don’t know what your bipolar symptoms are like, but it probably isn’t fun for him when you’re having a bad day. If my SO was having those sort of difficulties I’d be inclined to stay out of the way at the worst times, especially if it was my only night off.
Post # 12
@Gorjuss: He has other days off, this is just our only one off together. And in terms of my symptoms, I was actually fine with him, just didn’t really feel like hanging out with a crowd tonight.
Post # 13
@StaticInMyHead: Ok, so now I read your thread titles (TITLES, I didn’t read the whole thread!) and have (I hope) a better idea.
IF this is a depressive state for you, then I have several suggestions.
First, you have to realize that NO ONE wants to hang out with a depressed person. I have depression. Not bipolar, but general depression and I have to acknowledge that I can be really really hard to deal with and difficult to live with. One of the conditions of DH and I getting married was that I had to see a psychiatrist (this was before I was officially diagnosed) because it was causing so much difficulty and drama in our relationship. So, on the one hand, you have to understand that your depression is just as hard on him as it is on you and that may be why he isn’t up for hanging out. Chances are, if you are anything like me, him being there wouldn’t make much of a difference in your mood. In other words, your SO cannot be your emotional savior.
Second, having said that, you have to start to take stock of your own moods and figure out what practical behavioral things can help you. Bipolar disorder is different from depression, so take this with a grain of salt, but I know that with myself, when I start the downward spiral, there are certain things that I have to make myself do: I have to get dressed. I have to make the bed. I have to walk the dog. These are things that help me at the very least get out of bed on rough days. To this end, I have to also be clear with DH with what I need and sometimes that’s leaving me alone for the night OR forcing me out of the house for the night, even if it’s just for a walk. You also have to figure out what you need when you need it and ASK for it, so long as the intent and purpose is clear. So if you really need him to stay home, then ask him to stay home–so long as it’s not to be company to you in your misery, but perhaps just so you can have someone to talk to. And I highly recommend that you ask him to help you do things to try and get you out of depressive states (as well as he can)–so if you ask him to stay in, then suggest something like cooking dinner together or watching a film together. That’s kind of what I mean by purpose as opposed to just “being there while I am lonely and sad.”
Third, if you don’t already have help from a professional, please get some help!
Post # 14
@StaticInMyHead: I’m sorry. I would pout if my FI did this.
Post # 15
@StaticInMyHead: FI does this to me every so often so I completely get where you’re coming from. The feeling of being slighted sucks. = But really, he just doesn’t understand why it would matter to me if he spent the night in instead (if I’d already given him an OK to be out for something else). Sometimes it really does take spelling it out for him to get him to understand. But my advice is if your SO doesn’t do this too often, then I would probably just try to let this go. = If this is a regular thing for him, then I’d sit down and talk about it. I hope it gets better!
Post # 16
I think you’re overreacting.
But I’ve been keeping up with your posts, so I get it.