Post # 1
I need to know what ppl think! Please give me your thought.
I have two bridesmaids: my sister and my sister-in-law. They look very different, one is shorter (5’2), very skinny, and has darker skin tone, another is taller (5’6) and has pale skin tone. So I asked them to just wear smiliar colors (champagne or gold or nude), knee lenghth, and they can pick any styles that compliment their physical shape (tight dress, loose dress, one shouler, strapeless….whatever!).
But now, the feedback I got from my sister-in-law is that it’s too difficult to pick a dress without knowing what my sister will wear, and she thinks bridesmaids should dress the same. I kept telling her that what’s suitable for my sister might be be suitable for her and vice versa, and I don’t mind they dress differently. Then I went ahead to show her some photos I found on the internet as examples that I think looks good on her. She glanced at the photos and told me they are too expensive ($100+), and said I can buy her a $79 dress. I got a little upset because: 1. I show her the photos just as examples, I didnt ask her to buy them, 2. I’m already paying for her makeup and hair, I didn’t expect to pay for her dress too, and I think it’s rude of her to tell me to buy her a dress.
I feel I’m just looking for trouble asking them to pick their own dresses. Maybe I should just pick a dress for them and tell them to pay for it no matter they like the dress or not?? I thought I was being thoughtful, but maybe I was wrong? Any solutuion??
Post # 2
Maybe send her some pictures of less expensive dresses.
I don’t think you should have to pay for their dresses, just explain to her that you sent those as examples and you’re sure she can find something suitable in her budget. You want her to be comfortable in her dress and to have something she can afford, you dont’ care if they actually match.
Post # 3
idealgas: The practice of paying/not paying for their dresses seems to vary with geography. What is the custom where you live?
I would just tell her to please go ahead and pick a dress on her own. If she needs to know what your sister is wearing, she can communicate directly with her, or she can wait until your sister picks her dress then you can send her a pic.
Post # 4
idealgas: Maybe the three of you could go dress shopping together?
Otherwise, if she wants to stand up with you, she’ll suck it up and buy a dress.
Post # 5
- Wedding: December 2014 - 13th ~ TN
idealgas: Is it expected that you pay for the dress where you live? How old is this SIL? Will she be paying for the dress or your future in laws?
Post # 6
julies1949: We are Asian, and there’s really no rule saying I should pay for her dress anywhere in the region we live (we are in NY). Although she did say that there’s a rule (as Asian) saying BM doesn’t need to give the bride wedding gift. So I was extra pissed she thinks I should pay for her dress yet she doesn’t need to buy me gift.
AnonymousCupcake: I was afraid to go dress shopping with her because she might ask me to pay for her dress again, IN FRONT OF MY OWN SISTER. I was also afraid to ask my sister to shop with her because I know my sister can’t stand her. Just a side note, I didn’t ask her to be my bridesmaid, she TOLD me she’s going to be my bridesmaid. I didn’t want to offend her by saying no because she’s my fiance’s younger sister, and their parents both passed away years ago. I really wish she can just suck it up and buy a dress if she wants to be bridesmaid so badly!
MsGinkgo: I told her I want her to be pretty and comfortable, and I don’t care if they don’t match. I told her a million times…. but she’s still pushing it. You are right, I should just send her photos of less-expensive dresses. I will do that.
Post # 7
MrsUPS: We are in NY and I don’t think it’s expected that I pay for her dress (I did some research on internet and don’t see it stated anyway). The parents passed away years ago, so she’s either going to pay for herself or her rich husband will. She’s 23 and married. Now I’m thinking maybe I should just pick a less-expensive dress, and tell her to pay and wear it, even if it doesn’t flatter her body shape….
Post # 8
You don’t have to pay for her dress. I live on the West coast of Canada and usually BM pay for their dresses. I have two BM as well. I am paying for one of the dresses but I offered this when I asked her to be my BM. She is a single mother with two kids who just finished her BA degree last month. She dosen’t yet have a job and is broke. She is paying her travel expenses to my wedding. That’s all she can afford at the moment. My other BM is $$ better off than I am. So, she is covering her own expenses. I didn’t mention to her I was paying for the other BM dress. I don’t really think it’s any of her business. Do you think your sis-in-law dosen’t have the money or just dosen’t want to spend the money?
Post # 9
She’s wrong. Don’t let her dictate terms to u.
Post # 10
I would ignore her cost comments, remember you said that she can pick ANY dress. So she can pick a dress within her own budget no problems. If she says it again just politely say that given that you are paying for hair and makeup you cannot afford to buy a dress as well and if she can’t either then politely ask that she step down as bridesmaid (I say this because she forced herself on you as bridesmaid in the first place, I would not be saying this to someone who you actually really wanted to stand by your side at the wedding).
What I would do is show her photos of mismatched bridesmaids so that she gets an idea of the look that you are going for.
Alternatively she could always stand on her brother’s side instead and just wear a black (or grey, or whatever colour the boys are wearing) dress.
Post # 11
idealgas: I’m Chinese and it’s customary for the bride to pay for the bridal party’s expenses, so maybe that’s where she’s getting the idea that you should be paying for the dress? Both of my BMs aren’t Asian, but I offered to pay for everything anyways.
Post # 12
- Wedding: September 2016 - Our Castle
Take them to try on dresses at the same time?! see if there is something they both lie and suit..?
Post # 13
jennie.elliott2: It’s sweet of you to do that for your bridesmaid. I will have no problem paying for the dress if my SIL has financial trouble. In fact, she’s living very well (better than I) and in no way in any sort of financial difficulty. So to answer your question, I think she just doesn’t want to pay for it.
raspberrymojito: Thank you for saying that. I’m trying hard not to let her, she’s just very…pushy.
Everdeen: Honestly, I want her to step down since now I see she wants to be the BM just for herself (so she gets to walk down the isle and have ppl’s eyes on her), not for me. But you see, I can’t really say that because god knows what she will say to her family….that I don’t want her to be my BM because of money (!?). But I will definitely show her photos of brides having mismatched bridesmaids!! BTW, I smiled when saw you wrote she can always wear dark color and stands by her brother’s side.
housebee: I told her a million times that I’m having an American wedding and I’m NOT following the Chinese tradition. It would really upsets me if that’s where she got the idea from, because she herself did NOT follow Chinese tradition when she got married, and neither did any of her married cousins. I hope she’s not just using Chinese tradition for her advantage….
Mistress_K: It’s a very risky move…my SIL has opinons on everything and she’s used to have ppl do what she “suggests”. But maybe that’s evetually gonna happen….I hope I’m not going to get my sister pissed off by her too. *keeping my fingers crossed
I didn’t expect wedding planning to be so exhausting and SIL so hard to deal with :'(
Post # 14
I sincerely thank everyone for posting your thoughts and suggestions. I going to show her photos of mismatched bridesmaids and photos of less expensive (under $79, her standard) dresses, and be VERY firm on what I expect for MY wedding. Hopefully things will go smoothly after that!!!
Post # 15
- Wedding: September 2016 - Our Castle
idealgas: Does your sister have her dress picked?.. once she does send SIL a pick of what she has chosen and she will either match, compete or go oposite?. Hehe
Or give them a colour and example of what you like.. (dont include prices) but note these are what you like and they can buy what ever they like similar to this..