Post # 1
Good morning everyone,
I’m an October bride (10/11/09) and I am stressing out big time! I just went to my cousin’s wedding and 95% of everything that I have planned was at their wedding. We have the same colors (chocolate brown, latte, and ivory) and similar sounding reception venues (Belvedere Chateau vs. Belvedere Banquets). I chalked it up to a big coincidence at first. At the ceremony, I opened the program and found that the song I walk down the aisle to was being used in the ceremony. No big deal. The attire of the bridesmaids/groomsmen was eerily similar to what I had picked. I bought a ring bearer pillow from Etsy that had a flower attached to it (it’s very pretty) and the ring bearer at the wedding had a similar pillow and carried flowers on it!
I know it sounds stupid, but bear with me – it gets worse. I chose a white Rolls Royse as the “getaway” car and that’s exactly what they had! At the reception, the similarities continued. I have already created crystal wedding tree centerpieces for my reception that I will alternate with submerged orchid centerpieces. This reception had branch centerpieces alternated with submerged orchid centerpieces. The table seating chart was also the exact same.
I was so upset because this was my cousin’s wedding and the family that attended will be the same ones coming to my wedding in a few months and will see the exact same thing for the wedding and reception. I told my mom how I felt and she said I had no reason to be upset and I should feel good because it means that I had great ideas.
When I went to congratulate the bride and introduce myself to her (I had not met her prior to the wedding), she told me that she heard that my colors would be the same as hers. She then said that if I liked any of her ideas for the ceremony/reception to feel free to “copy” them. I know that she meant well, but it was like a dagger in my heart to hear that! My aunt also asked me if I saw any ideas there that I planned to use at my wedding. I wanted to sink into a puddle of goo on the floor!
So now, when my family shows up to my wedding in 4 months, it will appear that I have chosen all of her ideas and my wedding will cease to be original. I mean, I know that all of the ideas I am using (colors, crystal trees, etc) are not original ideas themselves, but what are the chances that someone in my family would have a wedding almost identical to mine in color, theme, decoration, etc?
While I love my cousin and am extremely happy for him and his new bride, I now feel like I have to do a major overhaul to make sure that my wedding feels like mine and not a carbon copy of theirs. I feel terrible. On the one hand I am upset because I researched and worked so hard to incorporate ideas that I felt would reflect our personal style and I feel like my family is going to look at this wedding so close to the other one and think that I copied from her. On the other hand, people are telling me that it’s no big deal if the weddings are exactly the same and that I should be ashamed of myself for being upset about it (which makes me feel guilty). If anyone has any words of encouragement or any suggestions on how I can change my wedding without scrapping most of my ideas I would be so grateful!!
Post # 3
Well, I don’t think you should feel ashamed. I think I would feel that way too – in fact your cousin’s wife is a much better person than me – I wouldn’t want to see my ideas copied!
Either way, this is an important time to take stock of your wedding. Really think, with your fiancee, do we like what we have? Are there things we would be happy to change? Or do you really love everything you picked out and don’t want to change it at all because it makes you happy? There were several times during my planning where I said to myself "if I had it to do over again…." Well – this is your chance! Is there anything you’ve seen trolling the blogs that you wanted to do but thought you shouldn’t? Now you can!
Post # 4
Ugh. That SUCKS. =/ I’m really sorry this happened to you. The bright side is, it’s not the end of the world. The crap side is, it FEELS like it is.
Since your wedding’s not until October…I might try and see if there are some things you can still switch up. Centrepieces, for example. Maybe scrap the submerged orchids, or use them somewhere else if you’ve already bought them. (Surrounding the cake, for example.) Try and see if you can rent a different car.
Personally, I think your best bet is to make sure that your ceremony is as unique as possible, at this point. It’s the most important part anyways. If you’re writing your own vows, dive into that! Pick out AWESOME, personal readings. Hymns/musical interludes. In the end, yes, people will notice the similarities. Some might talk. Worst case scenario, the other bride (if she’s invited) may (MAY) be hurt. She may also be very, very honoured. I guess the biggest thing you have to remember is that your wedding is not a show. Yes, the little details matter…but they’re not IMPORTANT.
*HUGS* You’ll figure it out, don’t worry.
Post # 5
That is tough! On the one hand, this is your wedding that you’ve been planing for all this time, choosing your favorite things and incorprating what you love. On the other hand, and I hate to admit this, but it is going to look very similar, based on what you wrote.
Our wedding is the day before yours. While I am pleased with everything we’ve done, I’ve been seeing a lot of a pretty blue/green color in some inspiration boards and I LOVE it. I feel like we’re too far in for me to change now. But the truth is, I probably could change my entire color scheme and still make out ok. If you thought about making some adjustments to the things you CAN change, that would maybe steer your planning in a new, fun direction. Chocolate brown, latte, and ivory are really neutral colors. Can you bring in another color and really play off that? A rust color would look fantastic in October.
Ultimately, it’s up to you. If you’ve enjoyed your planning experience so far, I would suggest making a few changes. Haha, you’re tempting me now!!
Post # 6
I wonder if there are subtle ways you can change your reception slightly – for instance, having square tables instead of rounds, avoiding submerged orchids, even introducing a new accent color – that would help you feel like your ideas are a little more unique. I’m sure that as an upcoming bride you were much more attuned to all the details of your cousin’s reception than anyone else was, and enough time will have passed (almost half a year!) that most other people’s memories of the wedding will have blurred a bit. The important part of the day is you and your groom, and that is certainly going to make the day special!
Post # 7
🙁 Mochabride, this is a bummer. & there’s nothing wrong with feeling stressed and you should NOT feel guilty. I think that if you have the time and $, change certain things as u see fit without compromising on your vision. There should be some variety that you can work with while maintaining your & ur FI’s tastes.
However, if you don’t have the time and $, don’t worry about it. I actually have a similar feeling you had back when I just started the planning process. It wasn’t because I went to a wedding containing all the things I wanted but more like the more I look around, the more I research, the more I feel that all weddings are the same. I told my FI that I feel depressed that my wedding on a grand scale will probably be similar to all other weddings despite the details. I was then advised that what’s actually important is that I’m spending a very important day w/ very important ppl (friends & family). And that’s very unique in itself. Seriously, despite the fact that I’ve mulled endlessly over my centerpeices, I have never once remembered one centerpiece from all the weddings I’ve been too. The only thing I really remember from weddings include whether the bride/groom were having a blast and whether the guests were having a blast. That’s what it all comes down too.
Post # 8
Don’t feel bad, you have made a point to make your wedding everything you both wanted, and oddly enough your cousins bride must think in a very similar fashion.
Try changing little details, so it isnt exactly the same. You could maybe change the centerpieces a bit so they’re similar, but not exactly the same and still using what you already have. As for the music, use what you want because it’s your day. I’m sure its a beautiful song, and his bride would probably think that you really liked it from her wedding and find it more of a special thing.
Don’t stress because even if your day is similar to theirs its still your day and thats the biggest difference!
Post # 9
Thanks guys! I think I felt more miserable at the fact that people were telling me I had no right to be upset. Now that I’ve given it a couple of days to sink in (the wedding was this past Saturday), I am going back to the drawing board on several ideas I had. I definitely want to keep the manzanita tree centerpieces since I have already made them (plus, they look like "trees" while she had branches in a vase, so it will be different). I’m also taking your advice and focusing more on the ceremony/reception itself and finding ways to put my own spin on the wedding traditions.
Fortunately, I have the world’s best MOH who let me vent, gave me some encouragement, and made me see this as an opportunity/challenge to be even more creative. I also have you guys to give me support! I love this community!
Thanks again and I’ll "bee" sure to keep you posted! 🙂
Post # 10
I think that’s a total bummer. People who were telling you, you’re unreasonable for feeling this way, are being a bit insensitive. You were considerately planning your wedding. This wedding was eerily similar. That sucks. I guess if you were accusing the bride, whom you’ve never met of secretly stalking you and copying your ideas….. or if you were just going around calling her a stinky face for throwing a monkey wrench in your wedding, I could see thinking you were being unreasonable.
I would agree that you should take a look at your plans at this point. Maybe go online or look at the newest editions of the bridal magazines for the latest ideas. Maybe you’ll see something that you would love to do as much, or more than what you’ve planned. I know I had a hard time deciding between lots of flowers, designs, dresses, whatever. But whatever of your wedding so far, you still love, and would hate to give up, keep it.
Post # 11
Let me just say, you have EVERY RIGHT to be upset! Sounds like you are approaching it with a positive attitude (major kudos to you!!) and your wedding is going to be AMAZING!!!! 🙂 Best of luck!!!
Post # 12
You have every reason to feel upset HOWEVER, sulking over it now is only prolonging your productivity. Have you ever thought about throwing in another color? That would definately throw in a different element. I am not sure which colors you like but I am getting married Oct 3rd and I am using the same colors yet throwing in some green accents. You can use any color to really spice it up wether it is red, orange (beautiful for fall), pink, baby blue, etc. Just a thought! Good luck!
Post # 13
Feelings are never wrong, its natural to feel that way. However its what you do with those feelings that can be wrong. I mean if you grabbed the bride my her veil and dragged her into the coat room to rip her a new one… then that would be wrong. Now you just need to think about waht you are going to do next. I would leave your details the same and next time you see her just say that many things will be similar but its just ironic since so much was done before her big day. She sounds pretty laid back about it and i don’t think she will be offended by it in the least.