Post # 1
I’ve posted in the past about issues with DH. Specifically, the number of photos/vids he has of exes. He’s always worried about losing a hard drive so he made multiple backups of data.
For the most part, he’s deleted the obscene photos/vids of exes. I was happy that he did that so I didn’t push the issue of deleting them all…even though there are probably 3,000 photos/vids of these girls.
A couple of days ago, I had approached him about some other issues (I’m working on my communication with him) and it turned into a fight that eventually led to him telling me he still has X-rated videos of exes.
Before we were engaged (but living together for a year) I left for a while to visit my family. He knew I had a problem w/the ex stuff so he burned photos/vids onto a DVD in case I made him delete the stuff. This is something I’ve known about for a year btw. He had told me that during this process, he burned videos of his childhood dog, his brother, and his grandmother on these DVDs and couldn’t figure out how to separate them so he trashed them all.
Only this weekend did he tell me that the originals (on old camcorder tapes) still exist in our house. I figured it was the video of his first ex (that I accidently found a while ago) and it didn’t bother me…that he forgot, not that he had it. So he tells me “NOPE, they are sex videos of 2 other exes.” I was shocked b/c I never knew he had videos that weren’t on the hard drive.
He says he told me (I think I would’ve remembered) and he didn’t know what to do about them…he doesn’t have the old camcorder anymore (but he can get the stuff to view them) nor does he want to sit down and go through them trying to find “good” footage. I told him to trash them all. He was upset b/c he has a lot of memories on those tapes. I told him that’s what he gets for filming grandma on Christmas and then turning around and filming his ex doing whatever to him.
So was I right for saying that? He’s willing to trash them all but I know he’s upset. I’m upset that there are still videos of these girls around our house…even when this has been an issue for us for a LONG time. I’m not giving in and saying “oh they are exes, so you should have them” b/c there is honestly NO reason to keep hanging onto this crap.
Post # 3
- Wedding: August 2013 - Wynn Las Vegas
Wow it sounds like he has an absurd amount of photos and vids. If it were just a few G-rated photos I’d be like…no big. This is a whole different situation though. I think you are totally justified in what you said. Why is he so attached to these sex vids that he felt the need to back them up again and again?
Post # 4
I agree. There is zero reason for him to have any sexual content of ex-girlfriends. I once found shower pictures of an ex on (now)-FIs computer. I asked him to delete them all. As well as any pictures in which they were kissing/being a little too friendly. I also asked him to get rid of all of the love letters she had sent him. I just didn’t want any of that polluting our relationship. He was a little defensive at first, but then I told him I would do the same pruning of my own and asked him how he would feel if he saw any of it. He got on board pretty quickly.
Post # 5
If he really cares about keeping the nice family videos, he’ll take the time to go through the tapes. It sounds like he’s not willing to put in the work because he’d rather have an excuse to keep x-rated videos of his exes. And then he’s turning around and blaming it on you. Don’t let him manipulate you like that. If he wants the family footage, he’ll do the work.
Post # 6
Umm wtf. I mean it’s one thing to have pics and g-rated videos that contain exes, but sex tapes?! That’s odd that he’s so attached to them. However, I do kind of get where he is coming from that if the sex footage is on the same tape as family stuff, I wouldn’t want to delete it either, but I would invest the time going through it. I wouldn’t want to be showing my future kids some old family videos and having the next scene pop up as my ex and I getting busy.
Post # 7
That is SERIOUSLY skeevy–that being said, I have an ex who refused to get rid of dirty pictures of his ex. Later, he cheated on me with her.
Post # 8
I think it’s really weird that he has THAT many videos and pictures of his exes! It’s also alarming that he doesn’t want to go through them. If he isn’t actually watching them it shouldn’t be a big deal to throw them away. He should either throw them all away or look through them to find the videos of his grandmother and other family members. I agree with you that he shouldn’t have filmed grandma on his dirty tapes.
Post # 9
Whoaaaaaa Nelly. There are no words for how angry, pissed, hurt and heart broken I would be I seriously have no advice but I can assure you that whatevet you said is a shit ton nicer than what I would have said/done. I would probably kick my FI out for the night so I didn’t go ape shit honestly.
Post # 10
@texasbee: Wow…I have to ask, why did you marry this guy? He sounds like SUCH a sleazebag.
Post # 11
Um ya know keeping a few g rated pictures or videos that their in is one thing…. but i draw a line at kissing pictures and love notes…. but sex tapes… um thats like a deal breaker for me. WTF does he need to keep those for? Does he watch them? To me that would tell me that he’s still attatched to them and his past and he can’t move on. I’d say its either me and sex with me… or them and their videos. Get rid of the videos and all memories of them or get rid of me… you can’t have both. Its time for an ultimatum. If he wants you then he has to get rid of them.
Post # 12
@texasbee: Wow, I looked at a few of the other threads you started and I don’t want to be too harsh but how do you trust him at all? I wouldn’t be okay with this whatsoever. There’s no need for him to have old naked pics and homemade porn of his exes. It’s clearly okay for you to ask him to get rid of the tapes. I would’ve done it myself if I were you. He’s had so many chances to sort this problem out and obviously doesn’t want to. Good luck with everything.
Post # 13
I totally get the whole “let’s make naughty videos” thing, but I think it shows a fundamental lack of character and lack of respect for your ex if you don’t delete/destroy the videos once you split up. There’s no reason to want to watch videos of sexy time with an ex, and the least he could do would be to respect the exes enough to make sure those videos never fall into the wrong hands. That he has not already done so, says a lot about his character. I think you need to be very careful about ever letting him film you, and tell him all the reasons why these videos should be deleted. Don’t force him to delete them, because then it’s your idea and not his, but give him all the information he needs to come to the right decision. If he still doesn’t, then I would be very worried.
Post # 14
@whoa_its_ash: It’s not that he’s attached to the dirty pics/vids, they are mixed with all the good ones. He’s a computer guy so he’s seen people lose their entire hard drive on multiple occassions.
@MrsWBS: That’s what I told him too…he’s got sooo much digital clutter and he’s not good about going through it…so the problem keeps compounding.
@beetee123: I’ve never known anyone to have that MUCH digital stuff. He knows it’s a problem, but he doesn’t want to keep “re-living” it going through all of it. He’s asked me to just delete the stuff…but I’m worried he might find a way to blame in the future for doing it.
@Kate0558: He has no way to view the old cam vids….and I honestly can’t see him looking at the old stuff. He’s said himself there’s no reason to keep it all but he doesn’t want to go through it all.
@SummerOfLove: We’ve been working on the trust issues and everything is going better. He’s communicating more. He knows he screwed up in the past and he recently told me he sees that I “view him differently” and it hurts him inside that he did that to me. He’s worried that he’s going to lose me…
Post # 15
You’re not wrong and I’d feel uncomfortable, too. :S
Post # 16
this is REALLY effing wierd. and if he’s so attached the the videos of grandma on christmas – how often has he actually watched them? i’m going to guess zero times. so that’s total bull. this is seriously creepy, skeevy behaviour. :/