Post # 1
Backstory: My FFIL has Alzheimer and we just found out that he is going into a nursing home later this month. He has been on a short list and so no one knew when his name would be called and if you refuse, then you basically have to do it all over again. And his Alzheimer is getting bad, he rarely remembers his children.
Anyways, we origianlly decided that we would get married in 2015 on the beach in Florida. Late last year, that changed to getting married this year closer to home at a lake house somewhere so that FFIL can attend. Then it changed to getting married in 2015 closer to home at a lake house because we were having a hard time finding a place for this year. And now we are playing with the idea of getting married this year (again) at a lake house somewhere so that FFIL can go, before he completely forgets everyone. All the while, I’ve been looking and emailing people and calling to find us a venue. FI helps every now and then or says yes or no to places I’ve found. He hasn’t exactly been active in the search.
Well, we got into a fight today because I called a place that might work. They don’t have a sandy beach at their disposal but the price is right and since we’re pushing a wedding to happen in 3 months, I’m kind of freaking out. I called him to relay the message from my conversation and basically we started fighting. He says he doesn’t want to think about this because its depressing him that he’s going to have to take his father to a nursing home in a week. And that this geting married is stressing me out and depressing him and he doesn’t need the extra stress. I understand completely, which is why I’m looking so fervantly so that his father can be present for our wedding. But it made me cry because I’ve been working so hard on finding a place to make things work around HIS family and he’s not appreciating it.
We toyed with the idea of eloping and taking his father with as a witness but I want my family present. I’m the first one to do an American wedding and I want my dad to walk me down the aisle and I want my mom to experience picking out a dress with me. I don’t want to jip them of the experience or myself since I plan on doing this once. I want to do this right and I want our families to be there.
So am I wrong in being upset that he doesn’t want me to work so hard on planning a wedding for his sake? I feel unappreciated and heartbroken. I know he’s so heartbroken with his father’s situation but all I want to do is help and make sure that he doesn’t regret not having his father there. He says I’m not understanding and supportive because I’ve been so stressed in doing this alone that I’m giving up. Am I not understanding? I think I am but he doesn’t think so.
Post # 2
- Wedding: September 2014 - SPRING VALLEY COUNTRY CLUB
I am sorry, that is a lot to handle all at once. He’s just upset. I am sure he didn’t mean to hurt your feelings or negate all the hard work you’ve put in. He’s just speaking from a stressful place right now. Since his father being able to witness the ceremony is so important, I’d discuss with the venue you found putting down a deposit. Maybe once he comes to terms with his fathers situation of being in a nursing home, he can look more towards happy things, like the wedding. I would try to talk to him again AFTER he brings him. Give him sometime to deal with his own feelings. Durning this time where he is so stressed and upset it might be a good Idea NOT to bring up any wedding stuff. Still plan and go forward, but leave him out of it as much as you can. He probably just needs to be able to feel your love and support right now.
Post # 3
I think both you and your FI have valid emotions here. You want to have the wedding that you would like, that you can experience with your family to celebrate the joy that is being with your FI for the rest of your life. Your FI is dealing with his father having what I consider one of the most frightening diseases to watch someone else go through, espeically a parent. He is probably emotionaly strieghned. I am going to bet, if this is the first fight about this (which your post sounds like it is) that your caught him at a bad time.
I would ask him if he would like to go through this still when you can talk face to face. If the answer is yes, ask him if he wants to be involved in the planning. The answer can be no, and perfectly acceptable. He can deal with his father’s condition, and you can deal with the wedding.
Post # 4
I understand where you are coming from. maybe revisit this issue in a little bit when you both have calmed down.
I think your FI is just not understanding the reasons why you are stressing for the wedding. Lay everything out, tell him what you wrote in your OP. While reading, what I got from it was that you just want a little appreciation for the fact that you’re trying to work around his family and make everyone happy by planning it so his father can come. But listening is a two-way street, and you have to ask him how he is doing, and LISTEN to what he says (sounds like he is saying that it feels like you just care more about the wedding than the situation with his father), and honestly try to see where he is coming from.
I’m sorry about your FFIL. Your FI has every right to focus on just him right now. I wouldn’t expect him to take much interest in wedding planning, and I wouldn’t want him to.
Personally, I’d just ask him to notice what you’re trying to do, occasionally praise your efforts, provide input when you need it (narrow it down to 2-3 options and ask him to choose), and then I’d go quietly handle the majority of wedding planning so he can focus on his family. I can’t imagine what he’s going through, and it must be really difficult. However, dont get caught up in wedding planning that you forget to check in every so often with how your FI is feeling and dealing with his dad.
Weddings are important, and I admire you for trying to make it so his father can be there (your heart is in the right place), but family comes first.
Post # 5
I’m sure he does appreciate the hard work. He’s upset that his entire world is turning upside right now and it’s happening faster, and it’s not going to get better. I’d put the wedding things aside and talk to him. I understand where you’re coming from, wanting to experience dress shopping with your Mom (which I don’t really understand why you can’t do that no matter when your wedding is) but your FI’s situation is pretty dire and it’s not going to get better. He might feel that your getting all wrapped up in the wedding and not in the seriousness of what’s happening to him right now.
Post # 6
Tough situation. I can understand the both of you. I am sure he actually appreciates what you’re doing, but it’s just becoming too much at this point in time. He is afraid what’s going to happen to his father and doesn’t want to think about whether you’re wedding colors should be blush or pink. I’m exaggerating, but you get the point.
Have you you thought about eloping with just immediate family (parents and siblings) as soon as possible, have this be a very informal affair and then do the whole she-bang as you hve always imagined in a year’s time? (You could do the civil marriage now and the. Get married in church later.)
Post # 7
I would let things calm down and have a serious conversation with him about doing the wedding in a few months or pushing it back another year. The pros of doing it now are that FFIL might be more cognitively aware. The cons of doing it now is that it’s added stress at an already stressful time. Honestly, the stress may not be worth it. For either of you.
When I think about how stressed I was when my mom was sick (cancer, not Alzheimer’s) I can’t imagine trying to plan a wedding at the same time. While it’s sad to wait because there’s less chance that FFIL will be cognitively there, it may be the best option. But talk things through with your fiance and try to figure out what’s best. And he needs to realize that if he wants to do it soon, he will have to help with planning and it will be hard and stressful and he’ll have to deal with that.
Post # 8
I don’t think he’s unappreciative of what you’re trying to do. Before my dad passed away, we had to discuss end of life care, including a possible nursing home. The LAST thing I wanted to hear was anything wedding related – my dad was slipping away from me and there was nothing I could do to fix it. All I could think about was him.
I know you’re on a time crunch. I’d suggest what I told my fiance – “if you have to make a decision, make one. Make note and tell me later, I don’t have the time, energy or mental capacity to deal with wedding crap right now”. And he did. That was his job, to desk with what I couldn’t. And I have to say, he did a damn good job. Let your fiance deal with his grief. Handle the rest for right now.
Post # 9
mylende2015: You and FI both have valid emotions and I am sorry you are going through this. I won’t bother repeating what other posters have said already.
My FI’s grandfather was dying of Cancer and we considered moving things up to the point that we would have had a rushed church wedding. Fi’s grandma was in an obviously emotional state and thought this was a good idea. His grandfather was the one who said “don’t move anything up for me”. He REALLY wanted to see us get married but he did not want to be the reason we moved it up. He did not want our wedding to be associated with his sickness and death soon after. He knew that we were getting all of our ducks in a row and waiting because that makes more sense than rushing in to it while we are still in school.
If you move your wedding up, then everything will be about FFIL rather than your wedding. Of course family first, but you deserve the wedding you want. You deserve YOUR day, not a rite of passage that shall be orchestrated to accomadate others.
As is FFIL barely remembers his children. There is a very real possiblity that you could get married next week and he’ll be having a bad day and have no clue who anyone is or even where he is. Alzheimers is a horrible disease and it is unpredictable to the point that attempting to plan a wedding around it is not practical.
Would you FFIL want to know he is the reason you aren’t having the wedding you want, when you want it? Is he that selfish? I think most people who are sick and/or dying, realize that their family is already under a terrible strain and they would not want to compound that.
Often it is the other family members who insist plans should be changed. That is why I shared that story. FI’s grandma, while in an emotional state wanted to move everything up…even if we did, we’d have to get married in her living room for FGIL to attend. It was FI’s grandpa who saw the situation for what it was and didn’t want to be the cloud hanging our day. I am sure you FFIL would feel the same way.
Post # 10
EncoreBridetoBe: I agree 100% and you say it much better than I ever could.
Post # 11
Watching your parents get old and sick is one of the hardest things you will ever go through, and Alzheimer’s is one of the most painful illnesses for a loved one to watch. I think it’s perfectly understandable that your Fi is kind of emotionally drained right now, and that the extra emotion and stress of planning a wedding is just too much for him. Apart from his father possibly not being there to celebrate, what is the down side to just putting the wedding on the back burner and sticking with your 2015 date? You may be projecting your own needs (having your parents by your side with all the pomp and circumstance) onto your Fi, and he may need very different things at this place in his life.
Post # 12
absolutely_tati: Thank you for the advice. I’m going to let him take the reigns on this. If he wants to move forward with this year, I’ll help him with it. If he wants to wait until 2015, its fine with me too. Personally, I’m not ready to get married this year.
Misswhowedding: This is the first fight we’ve had about the wedding. We’ve agreed on everything so far and its hard to fight over something we saw eye to eye on a month ago.
ladybrick: I’m not going to fret about it anymore. I’m not a bridezilla and I don’t need to stress over a wedding when there are so many things to be concerned about. We’ve calmed down so I’m going to leave the decision up to FI.
Post # 13
HisIrishPrincess: I sure hope I’m not coming off as all wrapped up in the wedding. I’m honestly trying to do this for him so that he doesn’t regret not having his father in attendence while he can. I personally want 2015 so that I have more time to save money and not get stressed over everything because its so last minute. As for the dress shopping, I meant that I did not want to elope and jip my mom of the experience of helping me pick a dress.
MsquareM: The hard part is that we’re actually keeping our wedding to less than 40 people (just our immediate family and a handful of friends) so your eloping is our dream wedding. 🙁 We didn’t want to be paraded around in front of hundreds of people.
JenGirl: I think I’m going to step back and not talk about the wedding anymore. Its a hard time for him and the wedding isn’t worth it. Its hard to see from someone’s point of view when you’ve never gone through what they are going through.
MariContrary: Thank you for your advice. I don’t want to nag him so if he still wants this year, I’ll have to figure things out.
Post # 14
EncoreBridetoBe: Thanks for sharing your experience. I think as of now, everything is about what FI and I want and not what FFIL would have wanted. Its hard to gauge that just because he was a hard man with a strange sense of humor. But he’s a man. I’ll let FI know what you’ve said and see where he wants to go from there. I don’t want my wedding to be so sad and gloomy and I feel that is the route it’s been going for a long time.
Horseradish: Thanks, I’m going to let FI decide what he wants to do. I hope he picks 2015 but I know it will be a difficult decision for him. Either way, its going to be a sad wedding.
Post # 15
mylende2015: well the thing is…. your FI is going through what many adult children are going through with aging and sick parents….. GUILT, and thats currently consuming him.
I’ve actually done reading on this recently because DH and I got in a fight about it because his parents basically brought up the fact that they expect to eventually move in with us….. anways….lol
adult children can have an extremely difficult time putting their parents in a home….like the guilt from feeling like they should be responsible for housing them since the parents raised them, the feelings of helplessness he probably feels because of this disease that he cant do anything to stop it, the guilt over whether or not they will be ok in the home (treated properly), and the fear of the day when he goes to visit and dad doesnt know his own son … its an all incompassing overwhelming thing!
You are within your rights to be upset but you need to understand that he is going through what is probably the most guilt ridden situation a child can feel when it comes to their parents….and he’s probably not going ot be interested in the wedding/planning very much.
Basically what Im saying is I think he knows what your doing and does appreciate it but at the same time he probably feels guilty in saying so like “wtf am I worried about some wedding for when my father is loosing his mind and im putting him a nursing home to die”…knowwhat I mean?
He probably feels If he gets excited about something or he feels happiness its kind of like he’s “forgetting about his dad” or… making light of the situation like ok our lives are oging to move on so who cares… Im not saying any of these things are true but its kind of the thought process adult children go through. Its kind of like when someone passes away…. at what point is it ok for the husband or wife to smile…or laugh…. or date…. its about going through a process and emotions to deal with your feelings and your FI needs to work through it.
I cant offer any advise about whether to move it… but I think you should just plan and try to leave him out of it. Have a heart to heart and say darling… I know your going through a hard time and I do support you and I want to be there, but I also cant just pretend like the rest of our lives arnt happening. I want to proceed with planning our wedding and I’d like to know if you want me to take over planning….. if theres anything you reques let me know asap, otherwise I’ll deal with it.
I also suggest you read some articles online about the whole adult children/nursing home thing, and maybe it will help in understanding why he is acting the way he is